Call Me Lumpy: My Leave It to Beaver Days and Other Wild Hollywood Life (2 page)

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Authors: Frank Bank,Gibu Twyman

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BOOK: Call Me Lumpy: My Leave It to Beaver Days and Other Wild Hollywood Life

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Page 9

Still, this is another difference between us.

Frank loves the limelight.

I can't say that I do.

I mean, I certainly hope "Beaver" is always in my life.

It's a major part of my income. Personal appearances.

Endorsements. That sort of thing.

But people don't "Eddie" me so much in Los Angeles these days and I think that's fine.

First off, I don't look the same here. Because I renovate houses for the most part, I'm usually in cut-offs and a dirty T-shirt, and really raunchy tennis shoes with my hair's askew. And I'm grubby because I've just been snakin' out a sewer or reroofing a house, or whatever.

So they don't see me.

That, and the people in L.A. are very complacent. They just don't care.

If I get decent-looking and go to Cacumonga, Iowa, yes. They do make over Eddie.

But generally, I don't really miss it.

I think Frank always will.

I'll tell you, if Frank and I are out someplace and I am cleaned up, people will come up and ask if I'm Eddie. Now, to me it's a fan and I'll do what I can to please 'em and all.

And then I'll point across the table and go, "And right here is Lumpy."

And they'll go, "Yeah! Lumpy!"

And I can see that Frank still eats this up. He absolutely thrives on it.

When it happens, he lights up like a birthday cake.

Fortunately for both of us, there are 40 candies now on "Beaver's" birthday cake and people still respond to the show.

I know both of us are grateful for our fans and their long-standing devotion to "Beaver" over all these years.

When all is said and done, "Beaver" is a kind of foundation in both our lives. Frank and I share that. And that is a bond that won't ever
.

KENNY OSMOND
AKA "EDDIE"
SEPTEMBER, 1997

Page 10

Introduction

I'm just sittin' here thinkin' about all of my lunatic friends and the crazy times we had, which went into writing this book.

I have reached one conclusion.

My friends are better than any Damon Runyon characters ever were.

Because of them, I can only say one thing.

Doing this book has been a blast.

I mean, you know, when we first started the project, I'm goin', ''What the heck am I gonna say for even 25 pages?"

But then all of a sudden, we got into it. And more stuff kept coming up, and coming up, and coming up.

I guess this type of thing brings up another fact that has come to me after reading my own book.

Maybe my family has had more to put up with than I originally thought, now that I look back.

I probably have been a heavy load at times.

But my heart was always in the right place.

I don't apologize for anything I did in my life.

I never hurt anybody.

I helped 'em, if anything.

I mean, Marlene, the wife I left after six days . . . I suppose you could say I did her dirty and I shouldn't have done it. You may well be right.

But it wasn't malicious. It only lasted for a little while.

From the time I met her, married her and divorced her, it was less than a month, all told.

It still was probably for the best that we split.

Marlene was very nice. I'd love to see her again.

I hope she's had a good life.

I hope everyone that I've ever come in contact with has had as good a life as I have.

I didn't want to offend anybody by the sexploitations in Chapter 4, but that certainly was a part of my life.

Page 11

I can't deny it.

It was a fact.

But that was only a couple of years out of my life.

It was just like, I was this normal guy in, like, '58.

And then came the sexual revolution. I was at the very center of it.

All it was, was havin' fun.

That was so for both sides, boys and girls.

If anyone thinks I'm a sex maniac, I swear I'm not.

I took advantage of the time that existed in the country, especially in Southern and Northern California, and I went with it.

Everybody else across the country started doing the same thing.

Maybe just not as much.

I was hoggin' it up.

And, oh, God, did I have fun.

I was a guy who always was looking for adventure.

Like the Steppenwolf song, I guess, I was born to be wild.

I loved being out among 'em.

But I don't just talk about my sex life in this book.

The more I talked about my big heart attack in Chapter 10, the more I realized that it was basically as funny as hell.

You know how sometimes you'll lie in your bed and think about dying and you're scared to death. At those points, I was scared.

When this life-and-death experience was actually happening, I wasn't scared.

I don't know, I didn't think I was that brave. I was ignorant.

I was shocked at myself, the way I took it.

I guess this kind of self-examination is why some people say that doing a book about their lives is therapeutic.

They're right.

It has been for me.

And you know, what? It's just given me a thirst to do more things.

I was sittin' here now thinkin', "My gosh, look at all the things I missed."

Now I gotta go cover a lotta bases.

I'm gonna be very, very busy.

I have to see more things first hand. Things I've heard about.

I've gotta do some traveling. That's very important.

The Far East.

I think Becka and I could have a ball there.

I like the food. The people. I think everything is just so interesting there.

I would like to go to Nepal.

I would like to go to Tibet.

I would love to talk with the Dalai Lama.

Page 12

I'd love to sit down and break yeast-cakes with that man.

Maybe split an insect with him.

Whatever they eat.

I understand yak's milk is pink.

I want to go to Tibet and find out for myself.

I got some people that I want to see that I haven't seen forever.

Like a couple guys I've never brought up that were good friends of mine. Guy named Bobby Gorman and a guy named Bobby Workeiser.

And then my best friend in grammar school was a guy named Bobby Weiss.

I haven't seen hide nor hair of him in 40 years.

I'm gonna try and look up some of these old people, with whom I shared some of my greatest achievements.

But what I did get to in the book, I'm very happy with it.

I want to thank my moron buddy, Gib, for collaborating on this book with me.

Of course, I've got to thank my wife, Rebecca. She encouraged me to write this book. I don't think I ever would have done this unless she said, "You know, your life is really interesting."

I'd go, "Really?"

She'd say, "Just start talking. You'll see what I mean."

So Rebecca is the No. 1 person I want to thank.

I'm glad she inspired and encouraged me.

I may have missed a lot of people this time around. Honest to God, there are probably 75 or 80 people I shoulda talked about.

But this is a big manuscript as it is.

So we'll just have to do it again sometime.

My old man, Leonard-the-Sport, used to take me, as a kid, to Gilmore Park to watch the Hollywood Stars minor league baseball team, and we'd sit by Al Jolson.

Al Jolson used to have one remark.

I'd hear him say it all the time.

It counts right now.

"You ain't seen nuthin' yet."

He was right.

See you in the next book.

It truly is an amazing time to be alive.

We've all still got a long way to go.

FRANK J. BANK
AKA "LUMPY"
SEPTEMBER, 1997
CALABASSAS, CALIFORNIA