Angel Falls (22 page)

Only right now he was the one who felt like crying, who had glimpsed the emptier nest of the future and seen how much quieter this house would be when Jacey left.

And there was no one there to hold him.

With a sigh, he went into the living room and turned on the television.

Julian knew it was the wrong thing to do. Dangerous, even, but he couldn’t help himself. In truth he didn’t even try. Self-control had never been his strong suit. He couldn’t have said exactly why he wanted to go to the prom, but he’d never been one to get caught up in reasons. He wanted to go. That’s all that mattered. He had spent a long, depressingly quiet day at the hospital, sitting by Kayla’s bedside, and he needed some action.

In his overdecorated bedroom, he dressed carefully, as if he were headed to the Oscars, instead of some backwoods high-school dance. A black silk T-shirt and black pleated Armani pants. Instead of bothering his driver, he walked the three blocks to Angel Falls High School. When he got there, his cheeks were numb from the cold, his eyes were watering, and he desperately needed a smoke.

He walked through the empty hallways, stopping
now and then to look at the trophies displayed in glass cases between rows of gray metal lockers.

At the auditorium, he paused, took a deep breath, and opened the double doors. It took his eyes a second to adjust to the darkness, but gradually he saw that the gym had been turned into a cheesy tropical paradise. False palm trees clustered around a patch of gold shag carpeting; beside it, a dozen tuxedoed boys and ball-gowned girls formed a line for pictures. Against the far wall, a band played some hard-edged song that was almost familiar.

He knew the moment he’d been recognized. A hush fell across the room. Dancing stopped. The kids eased away from him, forming a whispering, pointing funnel toward the dance floor.

He looked around, smiling his big, overpracticed smile until he saw her. She was on the dance floor with her date. Even from this distance, Julian could see that they were staring at him.

He moved through the crowd in the way he’d learned long ago: head up, smile planted, making eye contact with no one.

The song ended and another began. The love theme from
Titanic
, the movie. That damned heart was still going on.

He stopped beside Juliana
—J.C.
, he reminded himself—and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?”

The crowd gasped. Her date—a big, good-looking kid in a ridiculously cheap tux—looked confused.

Jacey turned to the boy. “Do you mind?”

“Uh … no.”

Julian swept her into his arms and began dancing. The crowd closed in on them, whispering and talking so loudly, it was hard to hear the music.

“Why me?” she whispered.

He smiled. “Why not? So, J.C. of the midnight hair, tell me about yourself. Do you get good grades? Have lots of friends? Practice safe sex?”

She laughed, a throaty, barroom sound that was exactly like Kayla’s. “You sound like my dad—not that he’d ask about my sex life.”

Something about the way she said it
—dad—
while she was smiling up at him … well, it pinched his heart.

It seemed odd, but he’d never thought about that word until today.
Dad
. Such a solid, dependable, grown-up word. Even now, with his daughter in his arms, Julian couldn’t really imagine being someone’s dad.

“Mr. True? Did you hear me?”

He laughed easily. “Sorry, I was thinking about something. So, what do kids in this town do for fun?”

She shrugged. “The usual stuff. Skiing, ice-skating, bowling, horseback riding. In the summer we hang out at Angel Lake. There’s a cool rope swing off a big madrona tree at Currigan Point.”

It sure as hell wasn’t “the usual” in Los Angeles, not for a celebrity’s kid, anyway. If J.C. had grown up with Julian, she’d have spent her life behind iron gates and sheltered by bodyguards. She wouldn’t have known
what it was like to ride her bike to town for a drugstore soda.

For the first time, he understood what Kayla had asked of him all those years ago. She’d used words like
rehab
and
safety
, but that wasn’t right. What she’d wanted was a normal life for their daughter.

Just that. A normal life.

It was something Julian had never wanted. But now, as he held this daughter who was and wasn’t his, he wondered about the price he’d paid for his fame.

It struck him hard, left him breathless, the sudden realization of how deeply he’d failed his daughter. As if he’d just walked into a room as familiar as his own bedroom and suddenly found it empty.

He should have known it all along, of course, but he hadn’t thought about it until now.

He wasn’t J.C.’s father. She had a man at home who’d loved her, who knew if she’d worn braces or snored in her sleep, who’d been there to pick her up when she fell down.

Julian had planted the seed of her, but he hadn’t chosen to nurture it; he could never have helped her grow into the vibrant, beautiful flower he now held in his arms. How could he help another person grow when he needed so much sunlight for himself?

Even though he was smart enough to know the truth—that he wasn’t this girl’s father and never would be—he couldn’t help wishing, dreaming, that things could be different.

The song came to an end. Sadly he leaned down and
kissed her cheek. Then he did what he did best: He walked away.

Liam was in the living room, nursing a watered-down Scotch, when he heard the car drive up.

Immediately he tensed. He’d been sitting here for hours, by the light of a single lamp, thinking about the decision he and Julian had made. The more he considered it, the more he saw how reckless and dangerous it was to withhold the truth from Jacey. This was a small town; gossip moved like bees from one backyard flower to the next, over picket fences and through telephone lines. The Make-a-Wish ruse would work for a while, but Liam didn’t really trust Julian to understand the stakes. Anyone who said, “You know how it is—we were in love and then we weren’t,” had a pretty hazy understanding of love and heartache.

The bottom line was this: Liam hated deceiving Jacey. He couldn’t quite believe that deceit was ever really in a person’s best interest. Now, every time he looked at her, he felt the heavy, ugly curtain of this lie between them.

The front door swung open suddenly, and she breezed into the room. Her cheeks were flushed a deep, rosy pink and her espresso-dark eyes were shining.

He couldn’t tell her now, not on this night that should hold only magical memories.

“Hi, Dad,” she said dreamily, twirling around, her arms poised like a ballerina’s.

He grabbed the camera beside him and snapped a few shots—for Mike. “How was it?”

She swept over to the couch and dipped down like a hummingbird, planting a feather-light kiss on his cheek. “Totally awesome. Perfect. I took
tons
of pictures for Mom.” She stifled a yawn.

He gazed up at her, loving her so much, it was an ache in his heart. “She’ll want to see each one.”

Smiling, she spun around and floated toward the stairs. He followed along behind her, turning off lights as he went.

At her bedroom door, she stopped and grinned up at him. “Guess what happened.”

He brushed a lock of hair from her eyes. “What?”

“Julian True showed up at the prom. He asked me to dance.
Me
. He called me Jacey of the midnight hair. I’ll remember this night forever.”

Liam’s hand froze against her cheek. “But—”

“Good night, Dad.”

Before he could answer, she kissed his cheek and went into her room, closing the door.

He stood there a long, long time. Then, slowly, he knocked on her door. When she answered, he tried to find a smile. “I … uh … just got an emergency call—don’t worry, it’s not about Mom—but I have to run to the hospital. I’ll be right back.”

She smiled dreamily; he could tell that she was barely listening. “Okay. Drive safely.”

He nodded and closed the door. Anger seeped through him, rising steadily. It fit uncomfortably on him, this dark and stinging emotion, like a cheap wool
sweater that was a size too small. He raced down to the garage and jumped into his car.

He found Julian on the front steps of the bed-and-breakfast, smoking a cigarette. He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans—the fool—and his whole body was shaking.

Liam skidded to a stop and jumped out of the car. “What in the hell were you thinking?”

Julian looked up. The cold was cruel to his face, leeched the color from his cheeks. “I had to see her.”

Liam lost his hold on anger. Without it, he felt drained. There was a wealth of sadness in Julian’s blue eyes, a look of pure defeat.
Of course
he’d had to see her.

“She’s beautiful, Liam. The spitting image of Kayla, and when I looked at her … I couldn’t see anything of me.”

Liam didn’t know what to say. He could tell that Julian had never really considered his daughter before, what it meant to have fathered a child. A young girl.

Julian took a last drag on his cigarette, then stabbed it out in a cushion of new snow. It hissed and sent up a thread of smoke. “I didn’t tell her. I can’t imagine I ever could.”

Liam took a step forward. “Why not?”

“How could I make a man like you understand?” He sighed; a cloud of breath puddled in front of his face. “I break everything I touch.” He tried to smile. “I think I’ve only just realized that. I don’t want to hurt J.C.”

Liam felt as if he’d finally glimpsed something real in Julian, and he couldn’t help pitying the younger man.

Julian got slowly to his feet. “Don’t tell her, Liam. Please, don’t …”

Later Liam would wonder what had gotten to him, the sad regret in Julian’s eyes or his own fear of wounding Jacey’s tender heart. Whatever it was, he found himself saying, “Okay, Julian.”

Julian sat by Kayla’s bedside, spoon-feeding her the stories of their life together. Finally he understood how momentous a blink would be—right now, he’d take
any
sign of life.

Her skin seemed to have gotten paler in the past twenty-four hours.

“Hey, Kay,” he said softly, scooting toward her. The chair legs made a horrific squeaking sound on the linoleum, and he was glad for the noise. Anything was better than this godawful silence.

He closed his eyes. It made it easier to slide into the past. In darkness he could remember the girl he’d fallen in love with. “I was thinking about the day I asked you to marry me. Do you remember that?”

It had been late in the autumn. The air in Sunville had been crisp and cold, and with every indrawn breath came the pungent scent of ripening apples. He hadn’t really meant to return to Kayla. When he had left her, after the movie finished shooting, he’d thought
she was simply another notch in his bedpost, not unlike the French gymnast he’d slept with while he was in Paris shooting
Bone Deep
. But every hour away from Kayla had felt like a day, every day a month. To his shock, he’d found that he missed her.

And so he’d returned to that flea-bitten spot on God’s ass. He’d waited until it was closing time at the diner, until she was alone, and then, very quietly, he’d gone inside and stood by the jukebox …

“I’ll always remember the look of you, standing by the lunch counter, the way that ugly orange uniform clung to your body. The way my name sounded wrapped up in your voice …

“I could tell you were afraid to hope that I’d come back for you. I knew you were thinking about the price tag that came with a man like me. You said, ‘I’m not pregnant, if that’s what you came to find out.’”

He almost smiled. “I remember wishing I was the kind of guy who would have come back to ask that question. I knew I should turn around and walk away, but I could feel it sparking between us again, that passion. I’d never been so scared, and somehow you knew that.

“I tried to tell you the truth about me. I told you I was no good for you, that I’d never been faithful to a woman in my life, but all you did was smile. So I told you everything, that I’d gone back to Hollywood and started reading scripts and doing interviews and talking to people … but I woke up in the morning and I thought of you. I went to bed at night, and I
thought of you. I screwed other women, and I thought of you.

“I knew it would hurt you, but I told you anyway. I thought maybe it would keep me from saying the rest of it, that maybe you would throw me out and I’d have to leave you again. But you just stood there, smiling up at me, waiting.

“Do you remember what I said next?

“‘I don’t want to love you, Kayla.’

“I knew you heard the word that mattered—
don’t
—but next to love, it seemed to have no power at all. I pulled the small velvet box out of my pocket and handed it to you. When you saw the diamond ring, you started to cry.

“I knelt down on one knee—remember that? It was the only time I’ve ever done that in my life. I knelt down and begged you to marry me. You took the ring and slipped it on your finger.

“I meant to say something romantic, but what I said was ‘If you’re smart, you’ll say no.’”