All In (Cedar Mountain University #2) (21 page)

It’s pretty sad to admit that the entire last thirty minutes of my
biology exam I spent coming up with a fantastic list of margaritas to drink,
and not at all focusing on the exam itself. I might have even doodled a picture
of a margarita glass or two in the margins. Considering how much of a stuffed
shirt my professor is that probably wasn’t a good thing.

Thankfully, it was my last exam so the chance of getting to have a
margarita or two went up exponentially once I turned it in. Jacob’s last exam
had been yesterday, but I knew he wasn’t planning to head to Charleston until
Sunday morning. I don’t think he was thrilled with the prospect of spending the
next several weeks in his father’s home, even if Mark was currently vacationing
in Hawaii with no plans to return home any time soon.
 

His frat is throwing an end of the semester party tonight that
we’re going to attend. Tomorrow night I’ve made an incredibly foolish promise
to Holden that we’ll go to a gathering at his new place with Ally. He seriously
called it a gathering and not a party. The only problem with his little
gathering is that Grant is going to be there.

It won’t be the first time that the three of us are in a room
together, but it’s just not high on my list of fun things to do on a Saturday
night.

This afternoon though, it’s all ours. Just the two of us, and I
have grand plans for us. I just hope that my grand plans don’t piss Jacob off.

I’m waiting at the campus Starbucks for Delaney to get out of her
last exam. We rode in together this morning. My anxiety is growing every second
that I’m forced to wait on her. I’m tapping some stupid senseless beat on the
table with my finger, one leg bouncing up and down. Every time the door opens,
the little bell above tinkling, I jerk my head up then drop it again when it’s
not her.

I decide to get a coffee while I wait for her, even though I don’t
think I need to put even the tiniest hint of caffeine into my system with how
tightly wound up I already was. I put my order in for a mocha mint something or
other and order a bottle of water for Delaney. She seriously doesn’t know what
she’s missing out on only drinking bottled water.

Delaney comes stumbling into the coffee shop with a gust of wind
behind her just as
I
settle at a table along the
far wall. Her hair is scattered all around her face, her checks and nose pink
from the cold. She’s wearing typical finals week attire – jeans and a
sweatshirt, and obvious lack of sleep by the bags under her eyes from hours
spent cramming every bit of information possible into her brain.

Looking at her now, you’d never know that just over a week ago
she’d been all but huddled inside of herself. She looked bright and alive as
she slide into the seat across from mine, dropping her bag down at her feet as
she emitted a heavy sigh. “Thank God that is over.”

Smiling, I push the bottle of water over towards her. “Agreed.”

Delaney twists the cap off the water, holding the top in the palm
of her hand while she quickly drinks half the bottle. “You still planning to go
to Holden’s tomorrow night?”

“He’d probably hunt me down if I didn’t show.”

“He would. I heard that he and Jacob have become good friends.”

I can’t stop the groan that bubbles out. “Holy hell, it’s crazy.
They’re like long lost soul mates or something. It’s ridiculous.”

“Are you coming back to the apartment tonight?”

Since showing up on Jacob’s door at two in the morning last week I
had spent only one night at the apartment, and Jacob had been with me.
Something had shifted between us, though neither one of us had spoken it out
loud. I was afraid to say anything. Terrified that speaking the words that
burned in my throat every time I was around him would send him screaming in the
opposite direction.

Sometimes though, sometimes I would find him watching me, and I
would swear that he had the same hesitancy that I had. I thought I could see
that his feelings for me matched mine for him. All those weeks ago when I had
tagged along with Kelsey to the frat party I had been looking for an escape, a
few hours where I wasn’t defined by a broken relationship.

What I’d gotten was so much better.

“His house is throwing a party tonight so we’re going to crash
there.”

“How shocking.” The tone of Delaney’s voice indicates that it is in
fact not shocking at all. I stick my tongue out before taking another drink of
my coffee.

“Come on, bitch. I’m dumping your ass off at the apartment and then
I have big plans.”

Delaney smirks. “Your plans include getting Jacob naked.”

“Are you seriously going to tell me you don’t have similar plans
with Cole?” I frown as the thought fully registers in my head. “Never mind, I’m
erasing that entire line of thought from my head.”

Delaney just laughs as we make our way outside. Even though it’s
December, it’s unseasonably warm today. Not slapping on a bikini and heading to
the lake warm, but perfect for what I have planned this afternoon. We’re
halfway to my car when Jacob catches up with us. His hand slips around my
waist, pulling me up against him. He chuckles softly when I stumble, hugging me
tighter against him as we move. “Whoa there, Pixie.”

“I thought I was going to meet you at the house in a couple of
hours.”

“Couldn’t wait.” His fingers link through mine just before he
shoots a smile Delaney’s way. “Hey, Del. Done with finals?”

“Just.” She’s still finding her way with Jacob, but she doesn’t
tense up in his presence, and she doesn’t take the instinctive step away from
him as she would have before. “I hear you have big plans this afternoon.”

“So I’m told.”

My fingers tighten against his as I think of the football I have
tucked in the back seat of my car. I have no idea how he’s going to react to my
little plan, and no idea if my little plan is going to work. I haven’t been
able to stop thinking about that night in the hotel room, how empty he’d looked,
as he told me about the accident. He’ll never have his mother and Lacey back,
but maybe I can help him get football back.

“I still need to run Del home and pick up my overnight bag.”

Jacob lifts our hands, pressing a kiss along the back of mine. “Can
I tag along?”

“Of course.”

We’ve reached my car, and the three of us climb inside, Jacob
keeping up a steady stream of conversation though neither Delaney nor I are
particularly engaging. I can’t stop worrying about what he’s going to say, how
he’s going to react. I hadn’t stepped in with Grant. I had let him avoid, and
we had trudged along as if there was nothing lingering in the dark between us.

I couldn’t do that again. I couldn’t pull the covers over my head
and pretend everything was peaches and cream in the world of Jacob. Because no
matter how well he functioned, how happy he seemed, I knew that it wasn’t true.
He was letting the guilt he felt over the death of his mother and Lacey
overshadow everything else inside of him.

“Grace?”

I blink back into the moment, to find Jacob watching me closely.
I’m parked in front of my apartment building and I have no recollection of
getting there. Pretty damn scary considering I’m the one behind the wheel.

“You alright, Pix?”

“Yeah. Let me just run up and grab my bag and we can get going,
okay?”

Thirty minutes later I pull up to the small park near campus.
Despite the warmer weather, the parking lot is still empty, much to my relief.
I reach behind the seat, pulling the small bag I’d packed into my lap. Jacob is
just watching me, waiting for me to say something. I smooth a strand of hair
behind my ear before saying “Do you remember a few weeks ago when we were at
your dad’s party?”

There is just barely a subtle shift of emotion on his face. A tiny
loss of light in his eyes, a tightening of his jaw, both indicators that he
remembers the night well. Rubbing my incredibly damp hands along the thigh of
my jeans, I clear my throat softly. “You told me that your mother loved
watching you play. That it made her happy because it made you happy.”

“Grace.” There is a warning in his voice, but I ignore it and
barrel on.

“She would hate this, Jacob. She would want you to be happy, and
playing football makes you happy.”

“You make me happy.”

I arch an eyebrow. “And there’s a limit to how much happy you can
have? When that kid wanted you to throw the ball?
 
You wanted to. I could see it. You wanted to
be out there with them.”

“I told you I can’t throw any more.”

I reach into the bag in my lap and pull out the football. “I think
you can. If you’d just let yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong, you need to
stop punishing yourself.”

He stares at the football in my hands. His voice is low when he
says, “I chose him, and football, over them.”

“Jacob, your decision to stay there and practice is not the reason
they got in that car.”

“Yes it is. We would have been home, all three of us, had I just
done what I’d promised.”

“Or you would have been in the car with them.” I couldn’t help the
little bite that was in my voice. “And you would have died right along with
them!”

Silence fills the car, tension sliding in along behind it. I grip
the football tightly between my hands, the laces digging into the palm of one
hand. “But you weren’t in the car, Jacob. You didn’t die, and I don’t think
your mom or Lacey would want you to act like you did. In fact, I think your mom
would be pissed that you gave up something you loved out of guilt.”

“I’ve tried, Grace.”

Smiling, I tell him, “I don’t want you to try, Jacob. I just want
you to play. Come play football with me.”

I wait, holding my breath and chewing on a fingernail until he
reaches over and grabs the football out of my hand. He palms it, fingers
spreading over the leather. I can see his fingers flex, digging into the
football, before loosening again.

“I’ll probably suck.”

“So what?” I lean over to drop a kiss on his lips. “We’re just
playing for fun, Jacob. Not to win a national championship.”

Despite the warmth, the light wind that whips through the trees is
cool, causing me to tug my sweatshirt down over my hands to try and keep them
warm. Jacob is spinning the ball in his hands, looking off into the distance. I
rub my covered hands together. “So, the only problem with my plan is that I
can’t catch a football to save my life.”

Jacob laughs. “That is a problem.”

“Just throw the ball, handsome. I’ll figure something out.”

Before I can even take a step, Jacob drops back. He plants his feet
his right arm drawing back, his eyes trained on something in the distance. I
can see him take two deep breaths, his chest rising and falling with them just
seconds before his arm sails forward. The fluidity of the moment is beautiful.
The football is an extension of him, a part of his arm that detaches and twirls
into a perfect spiral that launches across the field in front of us.

I don’t know how far the ball goes, don’t know where it lands,
because I can’t take my eyes off his face. I already thought him beautiful.
I’ve
enjoyed
the light in his eyes when
he’s happy or laughing. Nothing compares to the look of utter elation on his
face as he releases the ball.

In that moment, he redefines beautiful.

Jacob pushes opens the front door and I slither inside, letting my
body brush up against his as I do. He shoots me a look letting me know he knows
exactly what I’m doing. I wink as I wrap my fingers around his. We can hear the
murmur of voices coming from the back of the house. Yanking on Jacob’s hand I
pull him up against me, loving how easily he slips his arms around me. I tilt
my head back, resting my chin on his chest so I can meet his gaze straight on.

“You’re sure about this?” I ask him. His arms tighten slightly
around me. “You’ll be okay with Grant here?”

“You’re here.” He reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind my
ear. “You’re here with me. That’s all that matters, Pixie. “

“Right where I want to be.”

He smiles, letting his hand brush down my hair again before he
places a quick, unsatisfyingly short kiss on my lips. “All right. Enough of the
sappy stuff, let’s go eat pizza and drink beer as quickly as possible so we can
get the hell out of here.”

Bouncing up on the tips of my toes I brush my mouth against his one
more time, shivering in delight as I let my tongue smooth across his bottom lip
before pulling away. “Sounds good to me,” I tell him before turning to head toward
the voices.

I should have known this was a bad idea. I
did
know this was a bad idea. I never should have ignored my gut
instinct and given in to my brother.

“I know she told me there was nothing there, but when we kissed I
felt it.” Grants voice tumbles out of the kitchen, booming like he’s speaking
into a megaphone to fill the entire fucking house. My eyes slide closed at his
words, and I feel Jacob tense up next to me. I feel the tension in his freaking
fingers right before they drop away from mine.

I turn to him immediately. “Jacob,”

“No.” The word snaps out of him. “I want to hear what else he has
to say.” His jaw looks like it is made of stone, just like my heart as it sinks
to the bottom of my stomach. I should have told him. I should have told him.
Why the fuck hadn’t I told him?

“I know she’s with Jacob, but I swear, Holden, for a second it was
like nothing had ever changed between us.”

I hear a noise, a strange careening noise that pierces through my
brain for several seconds before I realize the sound is coming from me. Jacob
has turned away from me, so all I can see is the solid line of his back,
muscles locked in anger.

“Please,” I gasp out the word, reaching out for him without
allowing my fingers to actually touch him. “Please, Jacob let me explain. It
isn’t what he’s saying.”

“It doesn’t matter what he’s saying, Grace.” His voice is every bit
as hard as the lines of his body. “It matters what you didn’t say.”

They’ve spilled out of the kitchen, but none of them are saying
anything. The tension filling the room is palpable. I reach out again, letting
my hand curl around his forearm, but he yanks away from me, taking another step
back.

“I told you I wasn’t going to share, Grace.”

Oh God, oh God, Oh God. How am I supposed to fix this? I need to
fix this.
 
“You aren’t. You don’t have
to. Grant doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s just you, Jacob.”

His eyes are like shards of ice when they meet mine. “Then why
didn’t you tell me? That’s all you had to do, Grace, just tell me the truth.”

“I’m telling you the truth now. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Now it’s too late.”

Then he’s gone. Out the door and out of my life and just gone like
he was never even there. Only he had been there, and now he wasn’t. Watching
the spot where he had been standing just moments before, I feel the air seep
out of my lungs like a balloon being deflated.

I can’t breathe. There is nothing there. No way I can pull air into
my lungs. Pain settles in my chest, worsening as I try to suck in the air I
know I so desperately need.

“Grace,” Ally’s soft voice echoes in my ear. “Take a deep breath.”

“Can’t,” I gasp. “Can’t breathe.”

Her hand rubs circles on my back. “Okay, it’s oaky. You’re having a
panic attack. Let’s focus on pulling air in and letting it out okay. One breath
at a time. You ready?”

She pulls in air next to me, I can hear the sound as she sucks it
in. I open my mouth to try and do the same, but my throat locks up and nothing
happens.

There is nothing there.

“Focus, Grace.” Ally’s voice softens even more. “Take a deep
breath.”

I open my mouth, desperately sucking air in. It burns as it fills
my lungs. “He’s gone. He left me.”

“I know, baby, I know.” Her voice is low, the words whispered
softly in my ear as she’s moving me. Guiding me toward the couch with slow
measured steps. I sink on the cushions, my hand still clasped in Ally’s. She
continues to rub my back, her hand moving up and down in a way that I’m sure is
supposed to sooth me. “He wouldn’t even listen.”

“He will. Just give him some time, Grace.”

“No he won’t. I promised. I made a promise and I broke it.” My tear
soaked eyes narrow as they land on Grant. “You made me break it.” The pain
slithers away, seeping out of my body as the anger fills me. “I told you. I
told you I didn’t love you. That I wasn’t
in
love with you. You didn’t listen.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck your apologies.” I snap out the words. “Fuck you and your
fucking apologies.” I’m across the room and standing directly in front of him
in seconds. “This is your fault. All of it. The entire fucking situation. You
decided to be the
hero
and break up
with me because you were too much of a pussy to man up to your insecurities.”

“Grace, that’s enough.” Holden’s voice bursts through the haze of
anger that surrounds me.

“It’s not!” I cry. “It’s not enough. He did this.” I shove my
finger into Grant’s chest. “You walked away, and you stayed away. You stayed
away the entire time I cried over you. You screwed your way down sorority row
while I waited for you to come to your senses and come back to me. But you
didn’t. You didn’t come back. So I moved on. I moved ahead, and you couldn’t
stand it. The second it looks like I’m going to be happy you do everything you
can to screw it up.” My finger jams into his chest with every word.
“Congratulations, Grant. You win. He doesn’t want anything to do with me
anymore.” Grief swamps me as the words tumble out. He doesn’t want anything to
do with me anymore. How can he trust me again?
Why
would he trust me again?

“I didn’t want this, Grace.”

“Ha! Don’t bullshit me.” My head is shaking, moving back and forth
as I stumble away from him. “I don’t want to see you.” I whisper. “I don’t want
to look at you, or breathe the same fucking air as you.”

“I’m so sorry, Grace.”

“Sorry. You’re so sorry. It’s the same thing. All the time. Stop
being sorry, Grant. Stop doing things that you have to apologize for. That’s
what I want. I want you to stop doing things that you have to apologize for.
I’ve told you they don’t mean anything. They don’t. They mean less.”

Cole and Delaney are standing in the doorway to the kitchen. I let
my gaze zero in on Delaney. She’s watching me with something akin to pity in
her eyes. “Can I get a ride?” I force a laugh out. “Mine left without me.”

When Grant broke up with me I cried. Copious amounts of tears to
the point that I was sure there was absolutely no water left inside of me. I
felt lost
;
confused that everything I’d
planned for my future was falling apart around me. Because Grant was the only
thing I thought I had secured, that I didn’t question, and then he’d walked
away from me. Seemingly without a backward glance. Then I’d drifted, moving
from one moment to the next while I’d waited for him to realize what a mistake
he’d made.

The first morning after Jacob left me standing there, I can’t
describe how I’m feeling. There’s this emptiness that seems to have taken up
residence inside of me. A cavern of nothingness that fills every square inch of
me.

I’m not sure how to fill it, how to cover over the hurt and move
on.

There are no tears.

None.

I didn’t call him last night. I’d known I wouldn’t get anywhere,
not then. He’d needed the time to process, to think things through, and please
God, come to the realization that this wasn’t as bad as he thought.

After spending the majority of the night staring at my ceiling, the
bruising under my eyes had deepened. I’m primed to be an extra on
The Walking Dead
. No time in makeup
necessary.

I don’t know what to do.

No clue what steps to take next to put things right between us.

Rubbing the heel of my hand over my heart, I stumble out of the
bathroom and back into my room. I feel drunk. It’s the only way I can think to
describe the heavy feeling that swirls inside of me. I’m drowning in a tidal
wave of emotion I can’t pin down. I curl up on my bed, yanking my covers up and
around me, and run my fingers over my cell phone.

It’s rung several times in the last few hours. It’s chimed as well,
the little noise indicating an incoming text. But none of the calls or the
texts had come from Jacob, and his were the only ones I wanted. I brush my
finger over the screen, opening it up and scrolling through to find his name.

I hesitate for just a second, because I know he isn’t going to
answer. I know it isn’t going to be that simple, and I’m just not sure I can
take the rejection that I know is coming.

I push the call button, watching as the tiny white word across the
screen flips from dialing to counting the seconds the call has been connected.
I push the speaker button, listening to the rings echoing through my room. One,
after the other, they roll on and on until his voice mail picks up. I listen to
his message, reveling in the sound of his voice. His voice fades, and the beep
sounds and I can think of nothing to say besides, “Please.” The whispered plea
spills out. “Please, Jacob.”

There’s a knock on my bedroom door as I drop the phone back on my
bed. I call out a soft “Come in,” just seconds before the door opens and
Delaney sticks her head in. She looks worried. And sad. I’m not sure which is
worse.

“Hey, I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

I shrug. “Perfect.”

“Don’t do that, Grace.” Her soft voice chides as she move into the
room. The bed dips as she settles down next to me. “Don’t pretend with me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to be honest.”

A laugh bubbles out of my throat, boarding on the very edge
hysterics. “Obviously I have a problem with that.”

“Grace, just talk to him. He’ll forgive you once he understands.”

“He won’t.” I whisper. “We argued before about this. I told him,
Del, I told him there wasn’t anything between Grant and me anymore. I told
Grant that there was nothing left, and then when we were…” My voice trails off,
my eyes widening slightly as they settle on hers.

Her responding smile is weak, her voice even softer when she
speaks. “When you were both here with Cole and me, during those…days. I’m so
sorry, Grace.”

“This isn’t your fault. Hell, it really isn’t even Grant’s fault.”
I shove a hand through my hair in frustration. “I should have told Jacob the
truth. I know I should have told him the truth, I was just so afraid of what
would happen. What
did
happen. I
screwed everything up because I was to chicken to tell him the truth and risk
screwing everything up.”

“Don’t give up, Grace. Go and make him listen to you.”

Which explained how I was standing in front of the frat house
staring at the front door with trepidation. I’d tried to call him, to text him,
email, hell everything but smoke signals, and hadn’t heard a single response
from him. I tug absently on the bill of my faded CMU baseball hat, pulling it
lower over my eyes.

I look a hot mess. Loose gray yoga pants matched with a blue and
white stripped chunky sweater, my hair thankfully hidden beneath the
aforementioned hat, and flip flops since they were the only thing I could find
when I finally decided to leave the apartment and go looking for Jacob.

Only now I was struggling with making myself go inside to find him
and beg him to talk to me.

The front door has opened twice while I’ve been standing here, and
I’ve watched two of his fraternity brothers leave for winter break, their eyes
moving over me with something akin to sympathy as they walked by.

I’m once again reminded about how much this campus thrives on
gossip as I stand there. I’m sure each and every one of them has heard what
happened, and has put their own little twist on the events. I don’t want to
think about the rumors that are probably running rampant.

“Grace?”

My head jerks at the sound of someone calling my name and when I
manage to focus in on the voice I see Bradley standing in front of me. Kelsey’s
Bradley.

“Hey.” I say softly. “I just, um, I need to see Jacob.”