Woman on Fire (39 page)

CHAPTER ELEVEN. ELEMENT NINE: FIRE

Vulvalution
.
Vulvalution
ran at WOW Café Theatre in the downtown theatre district in New York City in 1999. Julia Murphy co-wrote and directed it, and I co-wrote, produced, and performed in the show with an eleven-woman cast.

Top 10 Pleasure List.
Jwala, and Robb Smith.
Sacred Sex: Ecstatic Techniques for Empowering Relationships
. San Rafael, CA: Mandala, 1993. This activity is adapted from Jwala's turn-on list.

“I will not be just a tourist in the world of images.”
Nin, Anaïs.
The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume 5, 1947–1955
. New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 1975.

Women's sweat lodge community.
“Sweatlodge.” Kunsi Keya Tamakoce. Accessed February 16, 2015. http://kunsikeya.org/sundance.html.

Lakota spiritual teachings and practice.
Brown, Joseph Epes.
The Sacred Pipe: Black Elk's Account of the Seven Rites of the Oglala Sioux.
Norman: University of Oklahoma Press, 1953.

The page numbers in this index refer to the printed version of this book. The link provided will take you to the beginning of that print page. You may need to scroll forward from that location to find the corresponding reference on your e-reader.

abandoning ourselves,
252
–53,
260

ways we leave,
254
–55

abandonment wound,
111

abundance,
224
–25

of sexual energy,
275
–76

abuse

child,
74
–75,
97

sexual,
74
–78,
254

Ackerman, Diane,
225

adult sex camp,
222
–23

adult sex education,
7
,
238
–39

affection,
207

aging,
140

allowing,
280

anal retentive,
109

anatomy.
See
female sex organs

Angelou, Maya,
119

anger,
108
–10

anus,
159
–60

appreciation,
208

attachments, letting go of,
82

Atwood, Margaret,
41

authenticity (erotic),
201
–2

autonomic nervous system,
162

Baczynski, Marcia,
200

Baldwin, John and Janice,
42
–43,
62

Bartholin's glands,
158

Bawdy Storytelling,
51

BDSM community,
271

flirting in,
231
–32

motto,
202

play in,
239
–42

power dynamics,
210

beauty,
280
–82

being at home,
259
–60

beliefs, false,
70
–71

betrayal,
120

biological sex,
33

bitches,
210

blind spots,
110
–11

blow job,
245
–46

body

accepting,
134
–35

vs. fighting,
135
–36

attitude spectrum,
131
–33

cultural standards,
143
–46

exploring,
166

female orgasm,
164
–65

female sex organs,
150
–62

understanding,
147
–48

Full-Body Love Ritual,
144
–45

healing genital shame,
142
–43

listening to,
186
–87

media lies,
137
–41

Pilar's story, part
1
,
133
–34

Pilar's story, part
2
,
136
–37

Sandy's story, part
1
,
148
–49

Sandy's story, part
2
,
162
–64

Self-Exam,
146

spectatoring,
139

boundary-setting,
74
,
200
,
230

Brach, Tara,
136

brain,
161
–62,
192

breakup story,
110
–14

breathwork,
88
–90,
186

brokenness,
2
,
252

Brown, Brené,
48
,
72
,
123

Buber, Martin,
221

butches,
261

cervical mucus,
159

cervix,
160
–61

chakras

first,
180
–81

second,
180
–81,
183
–86,
279

throat,
90

change,
183
–84

childhood sexual abuse,
74
–75,
97

Sandy's story,
148
–49

clitoris,
150
,
152
–53

codependent patterns,
125
–26

coming of age,
46

commitment,
248
–49

communication,
208

direct,
126

community,
56
–57

companionate love,
xi

compensation,
102

complaining,
100

conception,
19
–20

confidence,
263
–65

Confidence Type, Mapping,
264

conformity,
71

connection,
31
–32,
207
–8

consent,
202
,
217

controlled burn,
279

controlling behavior,
100

Core Energy Model of Sexuality,
28
–29

Ann's story,
23
–24

connection,
31
–32

energy,
30
–31

identity,
32
–34

need for,
27
–28

power,
34
–36

core sexual energy,
15
,
274

creativity,
184

Cuddle Party,
126
,
200

cultural norms,
203

culture,
54
–56

expectations of,
58
–59,
71
–72

relationship with,
13
–14

standards of,
143
–46

De La Tour, Dixie,
51

deconditioning,
215

Deep Play
(Ackerman),
225

defense mechanisms,
98

compensation,
102

complaining,
100

controlling behavior,
100

denial,
99

displacement,
99

dissociation,
100
–101

fantasy,
101

humor,
101

identification,
101
–2

intellectualization,
102

passive-aggression,
99

projection,
99

rationalization,
99

repression,
99

sublimation,
101

substitution,
100

undoing,
101

withdrawal,
100

withholding,
100

denial,
99

desire,
167
–69

altar to sexuality,
189

building and activating,
182
–83

catastrophic,
169
–70

conflict of,
172
–76

dreams and fantasies,
191
–93

emerging,
171
–72

home of,
180
–82

listening to your body,
186
–87

Michelle's story, part
1
,
170
–71

Michelle's story, part
2
,
176
–78

ritual for,
190
–91

sexual practice,
187
–88

taking action,
193

tension for building,
178
–80

working second chakra,
183
–86

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
,
173

diminishment of women,
276

direct communication,
126

displacement,
99

dissociation,
80
–81,
100
–101

Dodson, Betty,
16
,
142
,
164
,
270

domination,
211

double standards,
150

drag king,
271

dreams,
191
–93

duty sex,
58
–59,
255

dysfunctional relationships,
83
–85

ecstatic breathwork,
88

educators,
15

ejaculation,
157
–58

emotion,
93
–94,
185

anger, frustration, resentment,
108
–10

choosing growth,
114
–16

choosing responsibility,
123
–24

defense mechanisms,
98
–103

forgiving yourself,
121
–22

impact on sex,
106
–7

inauthenticity and people-pleasing,
107
–8

Jacqueline's story,
117
–19

limitations in people,
95

live in joy, presence, pleasure,
130

loving oneself,
125
–26

neural patterning,
103
–4

patterns of,
95
–98

people show who they are,
119
–21

playing victim,
124

reaction to,
104
–6

relation transformation story,
110
–14

show up as emotionally powerful,
126
–29

stay or go?
116
–17

emotional intelligence,
182

emotional spiraling,
127

empowerment,
11
.
See also
sexual empowerment

energy,
30
–31

erectile tissue,
152

erection,
176

erotic authenticity,
201
–2

erotic energy,
xiii
,
26
–27

expectations,
119

expressing needs,
209

false beliefs,
70
–71

false sexual bar,
79
–81

family role,
213

fantasy,
101
,
191
–93

fear,
2
–3,
81
,
279
–80

female sex organs,
142
,
150

anus,
159
–60

clitoris,
152
–53

ejaculation,
157
–58

fluids,
158
–59

G-spot (Me-Spot),
156
–57

muscles,
155
–56

nervous system,
161
–62

Sandy's story, part
1
,
148
–49

understanding,
147
–48

uterus and cervix,
160
–61

vagina,
153
–55

vulva,
150
–52

femmes,
261

fire,
269
–70

abundance of sexual energy,
275
–76

being powerful,
273
–75

creating beauty and opulence,
280
–82

embracing new creed,
285

feeding with intention,
278
–80

Jill's story,
276
–78

Kiki's story,
273

opening and allowing,
280

playing full-out,
282

Top Ten Pleasure List,
275

trailblazing,
270
–73

undeniable,
283
–84

what happens when ignited?
284
–85

first chakra,
180

first sexual experience,
45
–48,
236
–37

flirtation,
207
,
229
–32

fluids,
158
–59

foreplay,
175
–76

forgiving yourself,
121
–22

Freud, Sigmund,
153

frustration,
108
–10

Fuck You Journal,
109

Full-Body Love Ritual,
144
–45

G-spot (Me-Spot),
154
,
156
–57

gender,
33

identity,
212
,
214

norms,
203

genitals

leading with,
279

shame in,
142
–43

Gide, André,
214

giving,
126
–27

Glamour
,
246

goddess pose,
279

good girl,
44
,
199

good sex,
ix

grief,
112

growth,
114
–16

guilt,
73
–74

healing,
16

genital shame,
142
–45

hero's journey,
255

heterosexual sex assumptions,
174
–75,
197

home,
251
–52

abandoning ourselves,
252
–53

coming home to yourself,
266
–67

confidence is sexy,
263
–65

Murphy's homecoming,
261
–63

new home,
259
–60

Patsy's homecoming,
253
–54

take back your power,
256
–58

ways we leave,
254
–55

humor,
101

identification,
101
–2

identity,
32
–34

letting go of,
82

sexual,
212
–14

inauthenticity (erotic),
107
–8,
202
–4

initiating sex,
216

inner labia,
150

insecurity,
81

handling,
128
–29

intellectualization,
102

intention,
278
–80

intercourse,
14
–15

internal risk manager,
40

intimacy,
56
–57,
278

jealousy, handling,
128

joy,
130

Katie, Byron,
59
–60

labia,
150
–51

Lakota teachings,
283

language (erotic),
206
–12

lesbian, bisexual, queer people,
xi

orientation to sex,
174

letting go,
82

life experience,
16
–17

limitations,
95
,
119