Woman on Fire (38 page)

Your sexuality is like that fire. It is the force of nature itself. It is the propulsion of heat, the driver in the truck of life. The kernel in the joy. The idea in the creation. A fire doesn't know “no.” “No” doesn't even compute in the world of fire. “No” is like another language. Fire is a force no one can say no to—we must reckon with it, see it, meet it, take it in, react, or run from it. Fire is. And it is more obviously, completely, and clearly what it is than nearly anything else. Fire is undeniable. If you likened yourself to the power of fire, what would change?

What would you ask for?

How would you more fully express yourself?

What would you stop limiting?

What would you stop apologizing about?

What stories would you stop telling?

What new tales would you have to tell?

How would you walk in the world?

What clothes would you get rid of?

What identities would you change?

What forgotten dreams would you put back on the table?

How would people treat you?

What would you never settle for again?

What ecstasy would you be open to experiencing?

What would be in your house of
yes
?

What happens when you ignite your own fire? You are more creative and projects begin to move forward. Your creativity flows. You are present with yourself, your partner, your kids, your friends. You have more fun, pleasure, ecstasy, and bliss because you prioritize it and embrace it. You ask for what you want and stop taking the crumbs life always seems to dish out. You are more confident, so you go for it more often. You start living instead of self-monitoring. Criticism doesn't tear you down; it makes you stronger. You dream bigger. Work is more fulfilling. You feel powerful because you have control over your life. You make more money. You attract relationships that are healthy and fulfilling for you. You are no longer trying to be something you are not. You fully enjoy your life. You groove on the power of your body.

We live in a world that hasn't caught up with us yet. As we become our fully blazing, erotically authentic, sexually empowered selves, we are guided by this internal fiery GPS system that maps our life burn, sends us soaring from ashes, and we change the world. The world meets us in our own brilliance and light. As the tribe of women who no longer settle nor diminish our being, our desires and expression grow. As the women who demand more, we get it. We will have a world where we let go of competition and practices that tear one another down. A world where we rebuke not-enoughness
and bask in the glow of gorgeous, fiery flames and undeniable creativity and ecstasy.

Woman on Fire, Embrace a New Creed:

I am a sexual being because I am human.

I am whole. I was never broken.

I am writing a story of empowered sexuality.

I have sexual rights; they are a part of my human rights.

I embrace a view of sexuality as a positive force in my life.

I am sexually intelligent.

I own my sexual power and I take life by the horns.

My sexuality and erotic energy imbue everything I do with creative juice and lush life force.

I listen to my body.

I will never settle.

I will never forsake myself for something outside of myself.

I can be both spiritual and wildly sexual.

Sensuality and pleasure are essential life springs.

The power of pleasure enriches everything in my life.

I appreciate and cultivate beauty and vulnerability.

My passion makes my life exciting every day.

I am big and my bigness gives value to our world.

I clarify my boundaries swiftly and lovingly with grace.

I live in the delicious world of expansive
yes
.

My sexual empowerment and erotic energy affect everything.

I pursue the enjoyment of life and the expression of my being without reservation.

I am deserving.

I am enough.

I am a creative being.

I am on
fire.

I am so fortunate to be able to follow my passion and to work with the incredible women who show up wanting to expand their possibilities for living and being. I am ever grateful for your spirits and hearts, which brought you into a courageous place of “yes,” and for allowing me to be a guide along your paths. I am especially grateful for each woman on fire who shared her personal and moving story and allowed me to share it in this book so that others might feel less alone, more understood, and hopefully be inspired by her journey.

I have the best team I can imagine. Leonore Tjia and Elise Bish, you are generous in your spirits, abilities, and passion. Your commitment to expanding this work and helping people with their sexuality is unparalleled. I am so lucky to have you at my side in this journey, fiercely standing for the importance of this path. You have been my life support and filled in the gaps as my attention became focused on finishing this book. I am so grateful for how you have supported me and the women of our tribe.

Stephanie Tade, you are the agent I wanted; the smart and kind kindred spirit who believes in me and this book, the one who I can laugh with as a comrade and collaborator on the journey of creation and who can provide needed perspective on the work and the business of the work.

Caroline Sutton, you are the editor I sought, with largesse of vision and a sharpness that cut through the crud and got to the gold. Your critical questions and insights made this book the best book it could be. You were a true partner in birthing this child and I am ever appreciative of your strength, tenacity, and belief in the potential of this book.

Brianna Flaherty, thank you for staying atop every part of this process to ensure this book would be the artful and timely book it is. Robin Colucci, thank you for your support as both a friend and colleague and for leading me to Mark Malatesta, who helped me realize the larger vision for this book and find the rock stars who would support it as it needed to be.

I had many readers for this book who gave their time and energy to help me make it better. I am especially thankful to Cynthia Spence and Barb O'Neill, who offered critical perspectives and insights that forced me to ask bigger questions and for the fine-tuning that would make my ideas more clear. Jillian Gonzales, you are always more than a reader: you are the friend who stands with me through all the challenges and the triumphs. Thank you for always championing me. Thank you to Marcia Baczynski, Charlie Glickman, Laura Marie Thompson, and Katie Herzig, who read portions of the manuscript and offered their brilliance and expertise. I am truly surrounded by awe-inspiring humans.

Denis Faye and Elana Bell, you were each there in the meltdown moment, with your love, respect, and experiential knowing, offering help in resetting and finding the path out of the abyss and toward the work it was meant to be. Your support was golden.

I have incredible mentors who have raised me up and believed in me for years. Betty Dodson, you will always be my role model extraordinaire and you have championed me, challenged me, and cheered me on—with this book and so many other projects. Janene Sneider, your love and confidence in me have propelled me and helped me grow as a person and as a leader. ALisa Starkweather, you
taught me so much about the power of vulnerability and the use of disclosure in leadership, and you have always held me up with tender, fierce support. Carol Queen, Barbara Carrellas, Pamela Madsen, and Joan Price, each of you has offered your wisdom and life experience, and your friendship in this process. There are so many other writers and sex educators who inspire me and have taught me—too many to mention here by name.

Robyn Bell, you have always been a mentor for me as a writer, encouraging and supporting with thoughtfulness. David Neagle, you were the catalyst that got me to put myself behind this endeavor full throttle and full-out. Your teachings have truly changed my life. Thank you for believing in me. Angelique Rewers, your role modeling as a businesswoman and a creative genius continues to inspire me and help me grow.

Rebecca Walker, I am humbled by your brilliance, your thoughtfulness, and your insight. You helped me structure this work with clarity and add my own voice and stories, truly enhancing the work and making it more
me
. To our writing group—Victoria, Jill, Carla, Teresa—thank you for pushing me and critiquing early chapters, for seeing the vision with me, and inspiring me with your own stories and inspirited writing.

Thank you, Dad, for being solid in your support. Whether you know it or not, it has always meant so much. I have unbelievably steadfast friends and you are each a touchstone of love, purpose, fun, heart, and comfort. Tanya Saunders, Christine McAndrews, Maria Scharron-Del Rio, Sean Wallace, Diana Adams, Beth Nelsen, and Tony Pierce, I love each of you and am grateful for your friendship. You have held me and stood by me every step of this journey. Dannette Mehalik, I will always be grateful for the delicious memories and even better stories we can now tell. You taught me more than I could have imagined.

Place is such an important element of the writing process. I wrote
Woman on Fire
in Paris, Napa, and Maui. Each place imbued
the book with its energy, power, and beauty. Catherine Wallace, I am ever grateful for how you made my Paris writing adventure possible as I birthed the first draft of this book.

For every agent and editor who said no, I thank you. You strengthened me and made me even more committed to my message. As I say to the women I work with: every “no” helps me find the “yes.” I am so grateful to the entire process. All was perfect.

Most of all, love to my companion Pooka, who transitioned as I wrote this book and who was my familiar for so long, offering steadfast presence, furry sensuality, needed cuddle breaks, and family in the way that only a fierce femme feline can offer. I miss you so much.

CHAPTER ONE. THE BIG ROUND BALL

The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States developed a list of “Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult.”
“Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education.” National Guidelines Task Force. 2004. Accessed January 27, 2015. http://www.siecus.org/_data/global/images/guidelines.pdf. I wanted to espouse upon this idea of what sexual empowerment looks like for adults.

Puberty rituals.
“Rituals for Girls in Different Cultures.” www.miesiaczka.com. Accessed February 16, 2015. http://www.miesiaczka.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=77:rituals-for-girls-in-different-cultures&catid=5:1-miesiaczka&Itemid=62.

CHAPTER TWO. CORE ENERGY MODEL OF SEXUALITY

“Sex-positive.”
Hanne Blank published the most comprehensive definition of sex-positivity I have seen in
Bitch Magazine
circa 1998
.
I do not have the exact date of the issue of the magazine, but have used her definition in my teaching for years. As she defines it:

The belief that all people are inherently sexual and deserve a sexuality that is safe and pleasurable to them, regardless of their sex, gender or the sex and/or gender of the person(s) for whom they express desire.

Acknowledgement that disability or ability, race, ethnicity, religion, class, age, and other factors should not result in sexual disenfranchisement, and that when such disenfranchisement occurs, it should be challenged.

The belief that an individual's experience of sexuality can and should be
a pleasurable experience that does not result from or in physical or psychological harm, coercion, transmission of disease, or social stigma.

The belief that sexuality can and should be represented and taught in ways that affirm and enhance each individual's ability to experience sexuality in positive ways, by their own consent and at will.

“The erotic is a measure.”
Lorde, Audre. “The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power,” in
Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches
. Trumansburg, NY: Crossing Press, 1984.

CHAPTER THREE. ELEMENT ONE: VOICE

Risk manager.
“Shadow Work Seminars—Personal Growth Workshops and Coaching Based on Jungian Psychology, Emotional Safety, Shame-Free Containers.” Shadow Work. Accessed February 17, 2015. http://shadowwork.com. The term
risk manager
is used in Shadow Work as a part of our subconscious that works to keep us emotionally and physically safe.

The Vagina Monologues
.
Ensler, Eve.
The Vagina Monologues
. Rev. ed. New York: Villard, 2001.

If it doesn't set you free, it's not true.
Neagle, David. “Breaking Free Live Experience.” Lecture by David Neagle, March 21, 2013.

The Work.
Katie, Byron, and Stephen Mitchell.
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
. New York: Harmony Books, 2002.

CHAPTER FOUR. ELEMENT TWO: RELEASE

“Shame cannot survive being spoken.”
Oprah and Brené Brown Super Soul Sunday Part 2: Living with a Whole Heart
. Performed by Brené Brown and Oprah Winfrey. Harpo Productions, 2013 (film).

Triggers.
Abadi, Ponta. “Trigger-Warning Debate Ignores Survivors' Voices.” Ms. Magazine Blog. May 29, 2014. Accessed February 16, 2015. http://msmagazine.com/blog/2014/05/29/the-trigger-warning-debate-ignores-survivors-voices/. While the word
trigger
has become a more common term, it is not embraced by everyone. Some call it “activation” or relate it to what we know about PTSD. In 2014, a fierce debate began about the use of “trigger warnings,” especially in relationship to academia and literature, which might activate students who had experienced trauma.

Dissociation.
Maltz, Wendy.
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse
. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1991.

Breathwork.
Carrellas, Barbara.
Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century
. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 2007.
Urban Tantra
is a great resource for learning many ways to breathe. Breathwork has also been called transformational breath, ecstatic breath, and tantra, among other names.

CHAPTER FIVE. ELEMENT THREE: EMOTION

Defense mechanisms.
Freud, Anna (1937).
The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence
, London: Hogarth Press and Institute of Psycho-Analysis. (Revised edition: 1966, US, 1968, UK).

Defense mechanisms.
Insel, Paul M.
Connect Core Concepts in Health
. Brief 11th ed. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2010.

Defense mechanisms.
Grohol, John. “15 Common Defense Mechanisms.” Psychcentral.com. January 1, 2007. Accessed February 17, 2015. http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/0001251.

Neural pathways.
Doidge, Norman.
The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science
. New York: Viking, 2007.

“Fuck You Journal.”
The idea to do what I called the “Fuck You Journal” initially came from coach Joanna Lindenbaum. Personal conversation with author. www.soulfulcoach.com.

Forgiveness practice.
Modified from
Radical Forgiveness
. Tipping, Colin.
Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation
. Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2009.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace.”
Oprah and Brené Brown Super Soul Sunday Part 2: Living with a Whole Heart.

We all have a victim self.
Myss, Caroline.
Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential
. New York: Harmony Books, 2001.

“Thank you for taking care of yourself.”
“Cuddle Party—A Workshop and Social Event on Boundaries, Touch and Communication.” Cuddle Party RSS. Accessed February 13, 2015. www.cuddleparty.com.

CHAPTER SIX. ELEMENT FOUR: BODY

Questions about the body.
Cash, Thomas F.
The Body Image Workbook: An Eight-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks
. 2nd ed. Oakland, CA.: New Harbinger Publications, 2008. Questions inspired in part by
The Body Image Workbook.

Radical acceptance.
Brach, Tara.
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha
. New York: Bantam Books, 2003.

Spectatoring.
Masters, William H., and Virginia E. Johnson.
Human Sexual Inadequacy
. Boston: Little, Brown, 1970. Masters and Johnson originally coined the term
spectatoring
.

Spectatoring.
Trapnell, Paul D., Cindy M. Meston, and Boris B. Gorzalka. “Spectatoring and the Relationship between Body Image and Sexual Experience: Self-focus or Self-valence?”
Journal of Sex Research
34, no. 3 (1997): 267–78.

Popularity of labiaplasty.
The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, News Release. Accessed February 13, 2015. http://www.surgery.org/media/news-releases/labiaplasty-and-buttock-augmentation-show-marked-increase-in-popularity.

Women spend thousands on genital surgery.
“2013 Plastic Surgery Statistics.” Accessed February 13, 2015. www.plasticsurgery.org/news/plastic-surgery-statistics/2013.html. According to this study, in 2013, $12.6 billion was spent on cosmetic surgery in the United States, an increase of 15 percent.

Betty Dodson's classic vulva drawings.
Dodson, Betty.
Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving
. New York: Crown Trade Paperbacks, 1996. Dodson drew these classic drawings based on real women and they are still unprecedented.

Full-color photos of vulvas.
Blank, Joani.
Femalia
. San Francisco: Down There Press, 1993.

Line drawings of vulvas.
Corinne, Tee.
Cunt Coloring Book.
San Francisco: Last Gasp, 1994.

Georgia O'Keeffe
was a modern American painter known for her vulvic paintings of flowers.

Gynecological self-exam.
Feminist Women's Health Centers. “Self Care—It's OK to Peek! How to Perform Self Cervical and Vaginal Examination.” Accessed February 13, 2015. www.fwhc.org/health/selfcare.htm.

The vagina vs. the clitoris.
Freud, Sigmund, and James Strachey.
Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality
. New York: Basic Books, 1975.

The vagina vs. the clitoris.
Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers.
A New View of a Woman's Body: A Fully Illustrated Guide
. New York: Feminist Health Press, 1991. In response to the focus on the vagina, the Federation put forth this book, placing the clitoris at the center of women's anatomy and the primary sexual organ.

The vagina vs. the clitoris.
Wolf, Naomi.
Vagina: A New Biography
. New York: Ecco, 2012. Wolf questions the way the clitoris has eclipsed the importance of the vagina in some feminist conversations about women's sexuality.

Six to eight thousand nerve endings in the clitoris.
Chalker, Rebecca.
The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips
. New York: Seven Stories Press, 2000.

Vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms.
Freud, Sigmund, and James Strachey.
Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality
.

Kegels.
Ladas, Alice Kahn, and Beverly Whipple.
The G Spot and Other Recent Discoveries about Human Sexuality
. New York: Holt, Rinehart, and Winston, 1982.

Mr. Gräfenberg.
Ibid. The G-spot was named the Gräfenberg spot by researchers Beverly Whipple and John Perry.

“Study Concludes That Women Who Squirt During Sex Are Actually Peeing.”
Accessed February 16, 2015. http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/women-squirting-during-sex-may-actually-be-peeing.

Female ejaculation is antimicrobial.
Winston, Sheri.
Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure
. Kingston, NY: Mango Garden, 2010.

References to female ejaculation for millennia.
Chalker, Rebecca.
The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips
.

“Orgasmic flush.”
Manderino, Amy Luna. “I F*Cking Hate Click Bait, Part Two.” The Sex Evolution. Accessed April 4, 2015. http://thesexevolution.tumblr.com/post/110163847755/i-f-cking-hate-click-bait. Amy Luna Manderino of the Sex Evolution proposes we call female ejaculation an “orgasmic flush.”

Cervical mucus through the menstrual
cycle.
Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers.
A New View
of a Woman's Body: A Fully Illustrated Guide
.

The uterus is an active part.
Ibid.

Pudendal and pelvic nerve.
Winston, Sheri.
Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure
.

Pudendal and pelvic nerve.
Wolf, Naomi.
Vagina: A New Biography
.

Nerve bundles.
Ibid.

Feedback loop.
Ibid.

Pre-orgasmic rather than inorgasmic.
Dodson, Betty.
Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving
.

Tips on exploring the body.
Goddard, Jamie, and Kurt Brungardt.
Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men: What Every Man Wants to Know about Making Love to a Woman and Never Asks
. New York: Penguin Group, 2000.

CHAPTER SEVEN. ELEMENT FIVE: DESIRE

Author's TEDx Talk.
Goddard, Amy Jo. “Owning Your Sexual Power: Amy Jo Goddard at TEDxNapaValley.” YouTube. Accessed February 13, 2015. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9aqVqyJlJo.

Desire disorders in women.
American Psychiatric Association.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)
. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013.

Desire disorders in women.
Spurgas, Alyson K. “Interest, Arousal, and Shifting Diagnoses of Female Sexual Dysfunction, Or: How Women Learn About Desire.”
Studies in Gender and Sexuality
14, no. 3 (2013): 187–205. Accessed February 17, 2015. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15240657.2013.818854#.VSIJt0ugLXw.

Low sexual desire in women.
West, S. L., A. A. D'Aloisio, R. P. Agans, W. D. Kalsbeek, N. N. Borisov, and J. M. Thorp. “Prevalence of Low Sexual Desire and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in a Nationally Representative Sample of U.S. Women.”
Archives of Internal Medicine
168, no. 13 (2008): 441–449.

“Spontaneous desire.”
Basson, R. “Female Sexual Response: The Role of Drugs in the Management of Sexual Dysfunction.”
Obstet Gynecol
2001; 98:350–353.

Maintaining sexual tension with a domestic partner.
Perel, Esther.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
. New York: Harper, 2007.

The second chakra.
Judith, Anodea, and Selene Vega.
The Sevenfold Journey: Reclaiming Mind, Body & Spirit Through the Chakras
. Freedom, CA: Crossing Press, 1993.

CHAPTER EIGHT. ELEMENT SIX: PERMISSION

A maybe is not a “yes.”
“Cuddle Party—A Workshop and Social Event on Boundaries, Touch and Communication.” Cuddle Party RSS. Accessed February 13, 2015. http://www.cuddleparty.com.

CHAPTER NINE. ELEMENT SEVEN: PLAY

“We evolved through play.”
Ackerman, Diane.
Deep Play
. New York: Random House, 1999.

“Skill.”
Dictionary.com. Accessed February 14, 2015. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/skill?s=t.