What I Didn't Say (26 page)

A growl almost… almost made its way out of my throat as I crossed the space between us.  Hoisting her up, Sam wrapped her legs around my waist, my lips instantly meeting the skin at the base of her throat.

She gave a squealing giggle as we tumbled into her messy bed, her legs still wrapped around my waist.  My lips moved to meet hers, our lips parting.

One of my hands slipped from the back of her neck, down her side, sliding down her hip all the way to her ankle.  I was pretty sure I might die if something
else
didn’t happen pretty fast.

“Jake,” Sam said in a sigh that nearly sent me over the edge.

Sam
, I internally moaned back.

Her lips moved with mine, an urgency behind them that had never been there before.  It seemed there was no other possible way for the night to end other than the way I wanted it to.

“Jake,” she sighed again.  “I wish I could hear you say my name.  Just once.”

My entire body froze instantly. 

It felt like my blood turned to ice. 

I jerked away from her, propping myself up on my palms, looking down at her.  I felt empty for a second as I processed her words again.

Something inside of me turned hard.  Sam’s face looked confused at my reaction at first, and then the realization of what she had just said filled her expression with horror.

“Jake,” she said, her eyes wide.  I pushed myself off of the bed and walked out of her room.  “Jake, wait!  I’m sorry!”

I grabbed my coat and furiously yanked it on.

“Jake!  I’m sorry,” she said as she followed me out, grabbing for my arm to pull me back.  I yanked my hand away from her.  “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying!”

I turned my eyes on her just once, everything inside of me feeling cold and hard.  Her face looked horrified, her eyes wide and sad.  I only shook my head once and stepped outside, slamming the door behind me.

Just before I peeled out of her driveway, Samantha stuck her head outside, screaming “I’m sorry!” again before she fell away behind me into the trees.

14 hours since Sam said the worst possible thing…

8 weeks ‘til her birthday

I heard a knock on my bedroom door late Sunday morning.  I lay on my bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling.  Everything in me felt hollow and sick.  I didn’t really want to talk to anyone, but I couldn’t tell that to whoever was at the door.

“Jake?” Jordan said as she poked her head in.  “Can I come in?”

I just shrugged as my eyes went back to the ceiling.

Jordan must have taken that as an invitation to come in.  She closed the door quietly behind her and crossed the room.  Stealing one of my pillows, she placed it at the foot of the bed and we lay head to toe, just like we always used to do when we were kids, protecting each other from the monsters in the dark.

“Rain asked me to prom,” she said as she started picking at a hangnail absentmindedly.  “Even through prom isn’t until, what, like, May?”

I raised my eyebrows at her. 
Oh yeah?

Jordan nodded her head.  “I’m pretty sure he likes me.”

You like him?
  I pointed at her, my eyes questioning.

Jordan gave a little shrug.  “I guess.  He’s definitely hot, and it’s cool that a senior asked me out.  I don’t know.  I guess I just always thought of him as your dorky jock friend.”

By the uncomfortable look on Jordan’s face I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me.  So I lay there patiently, my eyes on her face, waiting for her to spill.

“’K, it’s kind of weird how clear your body language is these days,” Jordan laughed, giving me this look like I had turned into a psychic goat or something.  I couldn’t help but smile, my chest doing one of those silent laughs.

“Fine,” she said with a sigh.  “I guess… I guess I kind of blame him for what happened to you.  If he and Carter hadn’t been with you, driving drunk, and probably high, you would still be able to talk.”

My stomach churned as the whole crappy situation was brought up, and for the second time in the last twenty-four hours, someone was reminding me that I couldn’t talk. 

Looking over at the nightstand, I grabbed a notebook and a pen.

It was really stupid, and none of us should have been drinking.  But it was mostly my fault.  I was going to tell Samantha I loved her.  Guess the booze made me grow a pair.

“Wow,” Jordan said, her eyes surprised and sad.  “Really?”

I just nodded. 

I felt the back of my eyes sting.  What was going to happen now?  I wanted to believe I was big enough to forgive Sam for saying what she had.  But that had hurt more than the actual accident had, because I could never do what she had wished for.

“Are you and Sam okay?” Jordan asked, her voice becoming small and quiet.  “She’s called the house a bunch of times.  She seemed really worried.  She said to tell you that she’s sorry.”

Feeling a little bit of moisture pool in my eyes, I turned them to the ceiling.  I could only give a little shrug and a tiny shake of my head.

I heard Jordan shift on the bed and a second later she lifted my arm and snuggled up into my side.  I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

What’s wrong with me?
I thought.

Jordan didn’t try and say anything comforting, and I was grateful for that.  I didn’t want to cry any more than I already had and I didn’t think I would be able to stop the tears if she had said anything.  Instead she just laid there with me until we both fell asleep.

No matter what, Jordan always had my back.

2 days since the fight with Sam

7 weeks ‘til her birthday

I didn’t want to go to school on Monday, but Mom gave me no choice.  She said she had too much to get done that morning and that I had to take Jordan, Jamie, James, and Joshua to school.  So we all loaded into the Bronco and headed for school.

As soon as I dropped everyone off, I made a bee-line for Calculus, hoping and praying that I could avoid Samantha until I had to see her in second period.

Thankfully I was successful.

“Hi, Jake,” Norah said as she sat down next to me first period.  I hardly dared glance over at her for fear of what I’d see, but amazingly today she wore a pair of jeans and some kind of thick knitted sweater.  The only flesh I could see was that of her hands and face.

I gave a little wave.

“Are you coming to my birthday party tomorrow?  I think the whole school’s coming,” she said, giving me an almost bored looking smile.  Wow.  Strange behavior.  Norah the Whora was finally calming down.

For some reason, I glanced toward the door.  I caught a brief glance of Samantha, staring through the window of the door.  As soon as our eyes met, I noticed hers were red.  She held my eyes for just a second and then walked away.

Sure,
I wrote, feeling my insides harden. 
At your parents’ house?

Norah’s face instantly brightened, her white teeth flashing in a brilliant smile.  “Yeah?  So glad you’re coming!  Here’s the invitation,” she reached into her backpack, then handed me a piece of paper that was shimmery purple and smelled like a girl.  “That’s good for one only, so don’t forget it.”

What I read between the lines was
Sam’s not invited.

I just gave a smile-less nod, and turned my attention to Ms. Sue as class started.

1 hour since pushing the self-destruct button

7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

It was immature and stupid, I knew that, but I ended up skipping second, third, and forth period so I wouldn’t have to deal with Sam.  I didn’t know what I was going to say and I wasn’t ready to forgive her just yet.  So I drove into town and waited for Carter and Rain to show up at Island Market for lunch.

“Okay, I heard you’re going to Norah’s eighteenth birthday party tomorrow,” Carter said as we sat down to eat our lunch.  “I’m confused.”

I’m going,
I scribbled, dripping ketchup on the page as I shoved Jojos into my mouth with my left hand.

“Have you forgotten that Norah hate’s Samantha?” Rain asked, chowing down on a burrito.  “This could turn into an all-out war.”

Sam’s not going.

Carter and Rain both suddenly stopped chewing.  They shared a look with each other before looking back at me.

“Did you and Sam break up or something?” Carter asked. 

I gave a shrug and shoved more food into my mouth.

“Dude, are you alright?” Carter asked.  He actually set his food down.  A true sign he was concerned.

I don’t want to talk about it,
I wrote, not meeting either of their eyes.

Neither of them said anything for a second and they shared another one of those looks.

“Well you know Norah’s going to go all skank on you at her party, right?” Rain said, resuming the devouring of his burrito.  “She’s been eyeing you like you’re a diet pill ever since she and Blake broke up.”

I just shrugged, taking a long swig of my drink.  I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

So you already asked my sister to prom?
  Change of subject.

“Yeah,” Rain said with a chuckle.  His face turned a little red.  He had it bad for Jordan.  “Guess you could say I jumped the gun a little.  But she said yes!”

“Dude, it’s only February,” Carter laughed.  “The
beginning
of February!”

“Shut up, man,” Rain said as he glared at Carter and punched him in the shoulder.  “At least I had the balls to ask her.  You’ve been staring at Rivers butt for a whole year now and never said anything to her that didn’t sound like caveman grunting.”

Poor Carter.  But I couldn’t help but join Rain in laughing at him.

8 hours since pushing the self-destruct button

7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

Apparently Samantha showed up at my house that night, asking to talk to me.  I’d been up in the loft watching TV and Jordan had answered the door.  She was all solemn faced when she came back up.  Jordan said she told Sam I wasn’t ready to talk.

I skipped school again the next day.  My grades were starting to slip but I didn’t care as much as I should have.  All the hope and all the positivity I seemed to have found over the last few months was starting to dim.  I was letting me feel sorry for myself again.

Once you start down the slippery slope of depression, it’s hard to climb off of it.

And sometimes you don’t want to climb off of it.

The crappy thing about living on such a small island, where everyone knows who you are and where you’re supposed to be certain times of the day is there aren’t many places to hide when you’re skipping school.  So I ended up out at West Beach, parked in a spot that looked out over the water.  To the south side was a pottery shop, to the north was a resort.  Both were tourist places, so I felt pretty safe hanging out there.  No one would recognize me.