Victory Lane (Shady Falls #1) (34 page)

I shook my head and sobbed, “It’s not okay. I can’t do this, Julius. It’s my fault you wrecked. It’s my fault you were hurt. I shouldn’t be here and I’m sorry I am. I tried to convince Axel to place me on another team, but he wouldn’t. I promise I’ll stay out of your way. I know that’s what you wanted.”

“That’s not what I want, Toni. I wanna talk to you, but not here. Come with me, just for a ride.”

“I can’t, Julius,” I shook my head. “I need to go home.”

“Toni, you have to meet me half way,” he said. He looked so sad and frustrated.

“There’s nothing to talk about. I said everything I’ve had to say.”

He sighed. Maybe this was it; maybe he thought there was nothing to fight for anymore. I guess it was best if he finally decided I wasn’t worth all the trouble. He shook his head, frustrated. “You win,” he sighed. “I’ve been patient. I’ve been understandin’. I’ve pursued you. I’ve let you know how I feel about you. But Toni, you’ve gotta try too. You’ve gotta give me somethin’. Hug me, kiss me, smack me, anything, please. Just do something.”

He stood and watched me, waiting. My heart broke as I glanced up at him but as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t move. He shook his head and appeared sad.

“Okay,” he breathed out. “I’ve … gotta go.”

Julius turned and started walking through the garage. Tears streamed from my eyes as I watched the only man I’ve ever loved walk out of my life for good. After today, nothing would ever be the same for either of us. I’d have to quit working for Fuller Enterprises; I wouldn’t be able to work with him anymore. A million things ran through my mind as I watched him walk away from me, but the one thing that stuck out was how much I loved him. How could I just let this man walk out of my life without even trying? How could I let Todd ruin my entire life?

The garage door slammed shut, signaling Julius’ departure. I just stood frozen, unsure about what I was going to do. How could I fix this? How could I make him come back to me? To make him love me again?

“Are ya gonna just let him leave?” a deep southern voice rang out behind me. I turned to see Kevin standing there. “Toni,” he encouraged.

“He don’t want me,” I said quietly.

“He wouldn’t have tried to talk to ya if he didn’t want you Toni,” he insisted. “The question is do you want him?”

Did I want him? That was an easy question. I wanted him desperately. I looked up at Kevin; he gestured toward the door with his head then smiled, encouragingly. Without another thought, I took off through the garage and burst through the doors only to find Julius climbing into his truck.

“Jules,” I shouted, running across the parking lot. “Jules, wait!”

He turned and looked at me curiously. He didn’t say a word, just stood there with his door open, ready to climb in and drive away from me for good. I ran toward him and stopped just feet away. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I couldn’t just let him go. I couldn’t lose him.

“Toni?” he said questioningly.

“I don’t know if I’m the right girl for you. I don’t know if I can be what you need. But what I do know is I can’t let you walk away thinking I don’t care. I need you Julius. I need you more than you’ll ever know.”

He didn’t say a word, reaching out he took my hand in his. He pulled me toward him until I stood so close we could kiss. In one movement, he guided me into his truck and then slid inside himself, forcing me to slide across the seat.

“Where are we going?” I asked. He wasn’t talking. He wasn’t responding verbally at all.

He shook his head, but still didn’t talk. He just pulled out onto the main road and drove us through town. He continued on silently until he turned onto a dirt road leading to Byers Creek.

Right after I moved to Mooresville, I found Byers Creek. Something about the area and the movement of the water relaxed me. I would study and unwind there. It was always a calming place for me. I was surprised he brought me there.

“What’re we doin’ here?” I asked quietly.

“We need to talk and we need to do it somewhere we won’t be disturbed,” he explained.

Julius turned off the engine and opened his door. Once he stepped out of the truck, he looked at me. “Are you comin’?”

I couldn’t figure any of this out. I felt like I was missing something or like something was going to happen. My stomach was a nervous flutter. I hated not knowing what was going on.

Julius grabbed a blanket from the back of his truck and walked to a clearing near the creek where he did his best to stretch the blanket on the ground with one arm.

“Let me do that,” I insisted, taking the blanket from him and stretching it across the ground. He sat down, pulled his sling from his injured arm, and looked toward the fast running water. This man was incredible and he made me feel so special. No one has ever looked at me the way Julius did. He looked at me as if he could see the real me beneath the surface. He made me feel special and wanted, even when he was mad at me, I could still see his affection for me.

I stood there for a moment and allowed myself to admire the man who sat staring at the water. His large frame took up most of the blanket. The muscles in his strong shoulders and arms bulged out of the tight t-shirt he was wearing. Everything about him was so perfect. I hated being there with him because all it did was remind me of how much I lost when I lost him. I could have loved him. I think I was in love with him.

“Come sit,” he urged.

“Why are we here, Julius?”

“Toni, just sit down,” he said sounding frustrated.

Sighing, I sat on the edge of the blanket as far away from him as I could. I stared at the water rushing past and wished I could go back and change everything. I wished he would talk to me and tell me what he was thinking. We sat for several silent minutes before Julius spoke.

“Ya know, years ago I thought I knew what I wanted. I had what I thought was the best job in the world, potential for bigger and better things to come, and a beautiful girlfriend. I thought I had it all. Then it changed. The better I got on the track, the more fucked up things seemed to get at home, or at least that’s what I thought. But that wasn’t it at all. She changed long before I got more successful; it started just after we moved here. See Anna loved being my girlfriend back home. I was popular on the dirt track in my home town, never having lost a race. She loved that everyone knew me and that she was popular because she was with me. I never cared about that shit, I just wanted to race, but Anna loved being someone. So when I was offered the chance to get behind the wheel of a truck, she was all for it. There was never a question of whether she was coming with me or not. She said she wanted to come with me and take care of me. But I learned the hard way—it wasn’t about me. She loved the idea of living the life of a celebrity. She loved the attention she got by being with me at different driver events. She loved standing next to me on the track at the beginning of races so she could be seen, and be in the spotlight. When the spotlight wasn’t bright enough, she tried to find it in other places. I guess that’s why she constantly felt the need to go out and party. I knew things were bad, but I thought I could fix it. For months, I tried to make things work. The harder I tried, the less she seemed to care. When I finally caught her cheating, I was just as shocked to find I didn’t give a shit as I was to see her practically fuckin’ some guy in a parking lot. I was pissed, but I wasn’t nearly as hurt as I should have been.”

He paused. There was no malice in his tone; he was just stating the facts. He kept his eyes on the water, seemingly thinking about the past. I looked at his profile and tried to figure out what this was all about. I knew about Anna. He’d shared some of this with me before.

“When the doctor came to us and not only told us she didn’t survive, but that she had been pregnant—I pretty much lost my mind. A baby. She was out drinkin’ and fuckin’ other guys and she was pregnant. I wasn’t in a good place for a long time thinkin’ I was gonna be a daddy. It got worse when I figured out it was unlikely the child was even mine.” He paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “I was with Anna for years. She was my high school sweetheart. I thought I loved her and wanted to marry her. Imagine my surprise when I realized her betrayal didn’t hurt me as much as it should have. Now fast-forward five years to this stunning and troubled woman who immediately stole my heart the moment she entered my life. She didn’t trust me and it killed me. She not only hurt me more than Anna ever did, she had more of my heart than Anna ever had.”

Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I wished I had the courage I had while he was in the hospital. I wished I could tell him everything again, but I couldn’t. I sat there speechless. What do you say when a man tells you that you stole his heart and broke it in the same breath.

“Julius …” I started, but he cut me off.

“You don’t have to say anything, Toni. That’s not why we’re here. I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”

“I’m so sorry, Julius.” I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms tight around them. Laying my head on my knees, I sobbed. “I wish things could be different, but I don’t know what I can do. I just can’t do it again. I can’t lay it all out again. But I do care for you, more than you know.” I knew he wouldn’t understand what I meant by again. Maybe he’d think that I opened up to someone else and didn’t trust him. Or maybe he’d just assume I meant my therapist. Either way, it didn’t fix anything. I hurt him more than his cheating girlfriend had. How did I end up with so much power? “I’ll go if you want. I’ll just quit and let Axel do what he needs to do.”

“You ain’t quittin’, Antonia. That’s not even an option.”

“Then what can I do to make this easier for you? I’ll do whatever you want me to.” I couldn’t control the tears that continued to fall. I tried to settle myself, but I couldn’t. I was heartbroken. How did I manage to fall for such an amazing man and lose him so quickly?

Chapter Twenty- Five

Julius

I sat there and watched her fall apart. When I tried to comfort her, she moved away.

“Baby, don’t cry,” I said softly. “This ain’t about makin’ you feel bad. But we need to get all this shit out. We have to purge the past so the future ain’t tainted with ugliness. We won’t be able to move on unless we get through this.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Toni admitted. “I care for you so much, but I also don’t know how to get past any of the hurt.”

“Maybe it’s not about getting past it, maybe it’s about embracing it. Our past shapes us Toni; it doesn’t define us. The sooner you understand that, the sooner we can move on from this.”

We sat there in silence as what I just said sank in. I wanted her to know we could move on and hopefully together. I still had to tell her I knew about her past, but I wanted her to see she could talk to me.

After a long silence, she let out a long sigh. “You know,” she said, “I never meant to hide anything from you. For a while, I thought I was over that part of my life. I was openin’ up to you and to Margie. You know you are the first man I’ve gotten close to, other than Jake and Cade, since
him
.” She paused for a moment, and then continued. “The closer we got, the more I thought those old fears and issues were gone. It wasn’t until I saw him that it all came back. I don’t know why I’ve allowed such a monster to haunt my life, but I did for a long time. I’m so sorry.”

“I know, Toni,” I told her. This was what I wanted. She was opening up to me on her own. Maybe she couldn’t tell the whole story again, but she was letting me in. “You know, this is all I ever wanted. I wanted you to let me in because you wanted to, not because you were forced to.”

“I didn’t open up, Jules.”

“Yes, you did. What do you think you just did? You let me in. You told me how you were feeling and what you were thinking.”

“That’s not everything though. There’s so much more but I just can’t go through it again.”

“You don’t have to, Toni.” I waited to see if she would get what I was saying. Then I said, “I already know.” After a moment, she turned and looked at me, surprise written over her face.

“What do you already know?” she whispered with fresh tears in her eyes.

“I know everything, Toni. I know what you went through. I know what he did to you. I know you ain’t weak or pathetic like you think you are. I know none of it was your fault even though you think it was. And I know you opened yourself up to me and told me everything. I remember it all, baby. I was still sleeping, but I heard it all and I remember.”

She sat there stunned, shaking her head. “No, you can’t. You can’t know. Why’re you here then? I’m damaged, Jules. If you know it all, then you know how fucked up I am.”

“You ain’t damaged, and you ain’t fucked up, Toni. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. You’re strong. You managed to get out of a fucked-up situation and build yourself up. You trusted me, even when you didn’t know it. You let me in and let me know the real you. Now I know it all. That’s all I ever wanted.”

“What about Todd?” she asked. “He’s still around. Even after I beat the hell outta him, he’ll still come around.”

“He can’t hurt you anymore, Toni. He doesn’t have that power.” Then her words hit me. “What do you mean you beat the hell outta him?”

She looked down, but I could see the slightest grin cross her face. Whatever she did, she was proud of. “Before I came to your trailer in Charlotte, I ran into him at the park. I left to clear my head after you left the garage. He followed me there and confronted me. I’d had enough. I was heartbroken because I’d hurt you so badly. When he approached me and threatened me, I just kinda lost it. I used what Cade taught me in self-defense classes.”

I took her hand with my good arm and pulled her to me. I was so proud of her for standing up for herself and I wanted her close. Now there was nothing at all between us—no lies and no hidden truths.

“He’s nothin’, and he can’t hurt you anymore, don’t you see that? You took all his power away. You stood up to your nightmare and you won. He may still come around, but you’re no longer his victim.” I leaned in close to her, our noses practically touching. “I’m so proud of you, Toni.” I breathed her in. I gazed at her face, memorizing every freckle and every feature. When my eyes met hers, I was immediately lost in their golden depths. “I wanna kiss you, Toni. I’ve missed you,” I whispered into her lips. 

I held her chin in place, searching her eyes for any sign that she didn’t want me to kiss her. “Toni,” I whispered, having no power over the pull I felt for her. As if in slow motion, I bent toward her, closing my eyes, ready to caress her mouth with mine. When our lips touched, a weak gasp escaped her as she stiffened, but I didn’t relent, I couldn’t. I needed her more than I realized. The taste of her lips was far more intoxicating than the memories I carried. I drew her close to me with a raspy groan. With a fierce hold, I cupped the back of her neck and kissed her deeply, gently, possessively. She was mine and I was going to make sure she never doubted it again. My fingers twined in her hair, desperate to explore, but trying to control my most carnal urges.

And then all at once I felt her relax. Her body melded to mine with an answering groan. I was shocked when her mouth met mine with equal demand and intensity. What little control I had, broke. I pushed her back onto the blanket, my body hovering over hers, leaving no space between us. The curve of her breasts pushed into my chest and her hands slipped around my back, pulling me tight to her as she slid her hand under my shirt. I held myself up with my good arm while the other gently explored her body, caressing the fullness of her breast. We kissed for what seemed like an eternity, our tongues sliding and moving as one as I took all I could from her willing body. Lying back on the blanket, my body hovering over hers, we kissed until we were breathless.

When the desire for her was almost more than I could bear, I pulled away. I slid my hand from her breast and down to her waist, her smooth, soft skin felt perfect under my hands. She arched her back, protesting the loss with the sweetest whimper. But I had to stop, no matter how much I didn’t want to. What I wanted with her wouldn’t and couldn’t happen there, especially when her past was still looming so close. She let out a sigh at the loss, breaking my control once more. I kissed her again to let her know what I wanted and how I felt. To express what I needed and craved, her in my hands, my mouth on hers, and our bodies as one. At that moment, I felt myself fall, deeply and completely in love with her.

~oOo~

Ever since we talked and subsequently made up, I spent every moment I could with Toni. I kissed her when I shouldn’t have. I brushed against her just to have an excuse to touch her and leaned over her when she was working in the garage just so she felt me there. I found working on a car with her could be the most erotic and frustrating task to undertake. She always got so engrossed with her tasks, trying to distract her was both fun and maddening. But I found just the simple task of watching her work turned me on faster than I ever imagined. She would get so annoyed with my flirtations she would order me out of the garage, not that I ever listened. Every night I would leave with her, refusing to let her go home unaccompanied. If Todd was still around, I wasn’t about to leave her alone.

We spent more time than ever together as we traveled for the next couple of weeks. I was only driving in the beginning of the races, so once we switched drivers, I spent the rest of the races in the pit stand with Ky, Toni, and Kev. Through all of the traveling, I’d tried to convince her to stay with me in my trailer and not in the hotel. I said it was because of what happened in Charlotte, but I just wanted her with me. It took some convincing but she finally relented. As much as I wanted to feel her bare flesh against mine again, I was happy just to have her wrapped in my arms, at least for now.

Once she was staying with me at races, I wanted her with me all the time, but convincing her to move in with me proved to be much more difficult. I told her it just made more sense for her to live with me. I told her I needed to know she was safe. After Todd was seen in Charlotte, it didn’t take long for him to be seen in and around Mooresville. There were several occasions where he was seen in town by guys from the team or by one of Toni’s friends. But every time I suggested she move in with me, she refused.

“Come on, Toni. We sleep in the same bed every weekend, I stay at your apartment a couple days a week, and we spend almost every moment possible together. Why not just move in with me?” I asked one day while we were on our way to the airport. It was the beginning of July and we were on our way back to Daytona for the four hundred.

“I just can’t, Jules,” she said almost shyly.

“Baby, what are you afraid of?” I asked, worried that she was afraid of me. I knew she had fears, but I thought she trusted me. I thought I proved that she could trust me.

“I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work out? What if you find out that I’m just not the girl you think I am? What if you realize you don’t want to live with me anymore?” And there it was. Her insecurities rearing their heads once again. She never seemed to know how much she meant to me. She never seemed to know she was enough. She was everything I’d ever wanted but didn’t know it until I met her.

“That’s not possible, Toni. Are you serious? Don’t you know how much I care about you? I thought we figured this out.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her shrug her shoulders as if she didn’t know. I’d told her I loved her, but I hadn’t told her since our fight in Charlotte. I wanted to tell her so many times, but I hadn’t. I didn’t know why I hadn’t told her, but part of me wasn’t sure if I was ready to say it again. I’d told her then lost her, and she never said the words back. As ready as I was to be with her and only her, I was still afraid of the pain I felt when she walked away from me. Then it dawned on me, apparently she wasn’t the only one with fears. I guess I had some of my own.

Immediately a plan formed in my head as I drove us toward the airport. I wasn’t going to let my fears rule my life, but also wasn’t going to tell her how much I loved her in my truck. Daytona was where we had our first date and our first kiss. Tomorrow night I was going to take her back to that beach. I was going to lay it all out for her. She would know for certain that she was it for me.

“I saw Todd on the street again yesterday,” she said quietly. “He was just standing down the street from the gym.”

“Why the hell didn’t you call me?” I asked, frustration seeping from my words. “Dammit, Toni, you can’t just not tell me about stuff like that.”

“Mia was with me and Uncle Bobby was waiting for us with our dinner. It was fine.”

“It wasn’t fine. I wanna know if that asshole’s hangin’ around, Toni. If he’s near the gym then he’s gettin’ too close. What if he’s stalkin’ you, tryin’ to figure out your schedule? What if he gets braver? When we get back home we’re gonna put a restrainin’ order on his sorry ass.”

“It won’t matter, Jules. He won’t care. It’ll probably just make him madder.”

“Fuck him,” I growled. “I’ll fuckin’ kill him if he comes near you again. See this is why you should live with me. If we’re livin’ together I could protect you.”

“I don’t need protection, Jules. I’m fine. I’m not the same girl I was back then.”

“I know that, angel. But I also know I’d never forgive myself if somethin’ happened to you.”

“It’s fine, Jules. It’ll be fine. I beat the hell outta him, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” I snickered, remembering her telling me about how she finally stood up to him and found her strength. “But that don’t mean he won’t come after you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. We’re together now, we’re a team.”

We drove the rest of the way to the airport in a relative silence. Me thinking about all of the ways that I could protect her and what I was going to do to that man if he put one finger on her. I could see by the way she acted, she wasn’t as confident as she appeared. I had no doubt she could protect herself if she had to, the twins trained her to defend herself well. I’d seen their self-defense classes at work over the years, the people who took them walked out stronger and with more self-confidence. I also knew they blamed themselves for not seeing what was happening to Toni back then. They would have done everything in their power to arm her against any kind of further assault. But that wasn’t enough for me. This weekend, not only was I going to tell her how much I love her, I would also attempt to convince her to move in with me.