Tough Sh*t: Life Advice From a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good (29 page)
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Authors: Kevin Smith
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Essays, #Biography & Autobiography, #Personal Memoirs
A Little Shit for the Road
S
o here’s the tough shit about
Tough Sh*t
…
This book is not a blueprint: It’s just some funny and bittersweet stuff that happened to me that I feel shaped me into a more well-rounded person—so round, in fact, that a major airline gave me shit about it. But
Tough Sh*t
is not the Necronomicon. It will not raise the dead.
But it might have an effect on the
living
.
If you’re alive, kick into drive. Chase whimsies. See if you can turn dreams into a way to make a living, if not an entire way of life. Sure,
skill
will take you far in this world, but we’re not all blessed with natural ability. I’m proud to be living proof that even if you’re a talentless boob from the Jersey burbs,
will
can take you just as far.
But always remember, kids: I’m as full of shit as the next guy. Not in a maliciously misleading way: I’m just a flawed-ass human being like everyone else, so what do I
know? Take this entire book with a pound of salt: I may write about how my dad died screaming, yet I’m still the asshole that doesn’t call or see his mother nearly enough.
And I may talk about not giving a shit about what critics have to say … but yet, there was one review of my stuff this year that I not only read
multiple
times, the review actually made me cry.
As a Christmas gift, my daughter, Harley, wrote an essay about me—an overview not of
filmmaker
Kevin Smith, but Kevin Smith the
dad
. Considering it’s the best review I’ve ever gotten, I’m including it here, for posterity.
I hope she still feels the same way when she’s a teenager …
Usually a Father is seen as an authority figure that is just there to keep you in line. That’s not how I see my dad at all.
To me my dad is my role model. Without my dad I don’t know what I’d do. A lot of people say we are just a like and I think so as well.
I can’t relate anyone as much as him. No one really understands what I’m feeling sometimes except for my dad. When I’m sad, a lot of people will just tell me to brush it off and get through the day, but my dad will relate to me. He always tells me something that makes me feel better or how to get through my problem. When I am feeling really sensitive he is the only one that can really understand how I’m feeling.
My dad is my role model in so many ways. I see him go through a lot of things sometimes, and he
always knows how to get through them. He doesn’t really care what anyone thinks and he is himself. Like for instance one day he told me about some of the mean stuff people say on Twitter and I didn’t really understand how that couldn’t hurt his feelings and he said that you couldn’t please everyone. I really admire that because sometimes I try to go out of my way to make someone happy by not being my self, but he is always himself and everyone loves him for that. He is very inspiring and always has quotes handy to give when I’m feeling down.My dad helped me find out what I love to do most in life, which is making people laugh. I can’t always get a laugh out of everyone, but when I do it makes me feel really happy and my dad helped me figure that out being the hilarious person that he is. I used to be sad when I made people laugh because I thought they were laughing at me, but now I know that making people laugh is the best feeling in the whole world.
My dad is very kind hearted and always has an open ear for me to talk to him. Sometimes no one really understands my ideas or understands why I like something but he will understand. Without my dad I would not like to write as much as I probably do. A lot of the time when I am either really sad or really happy my dad will tell me to write and put my emotions into the writing and that I can let it all out there. My dad encourages me to write all the time and I really appreciate that because before I found writing as just something I had to do for school, but now I really like writing and I do it for fun.
Whenever I try something new my dad always makes me feel good about it. Like when I did the play I didn’t really know how I was going to do, but then when I did it and my dad saw it he made me feel so good because he went on about how good I did.
My dad is always there for me even when he is miles and miles away I always think of him when I need a little inspiration or a little kick to get me going because I know he loves me and I love him just as much.
My dad is one of the most special people in my life and I do not know where I would be in life if he were any different then he is now.
I love my daddy.
—Harley Quinn Smith
12/25/11
I
couldn’t do any of the fun shit were it not for a steady stream of people who make my life possible.
Thanks to my mom, Grace Smith, for not only making me, but also making me who I am.
Thanks to my second mom, Gail Stanley, who kept my life, house, and family in order for ten years while I did lots of the stuff you read about in this book.
Thanks to Byron for being the finest surrogate dad Harley could ever have, and modestly taking no credit.
Thanks to my brother, Don, who always had cash to give me whenever I was broke, laughs for me when nobody else knew I was funny, and who always puts everyone else first.
Thanks to Reyna, who cleans my clothes, washes my dishes, and sometimes has to pick up the dog crap.
Thanks to Harley for
getting
me—and for never giving me any of that “Cat’s in the Cradle” shit.
Thanks, of course, to the band of believers who help me make my dreams come true every week …
—My right arm, Meghan Quinlan—the tiny tornado.
—My left nut, Jason Mewes—the king of Why Not.
—My Hobson, Carol Hammond.
—My muscle, Jordan Monsanto.
—Meghan’s right arm, Alan Wysocki.
—The penis to my sandwich, Ralph Garman.
—The only guy who could get
Red State
made, Jon Gordon.
—The slot machine that just keeps paying out, Elyse Seiden.
—Ming, who somehow finds time to do everything I ask for online.
—Jeff Hyman and Degy, for telling people I give oral.
—Our
Red State
investors in New York City and in Canada (NVSH).
—The entire S.I.R. and SModCo family.
But when it comes to the biggest thanks, it goes to the truest of believers. There is no better Sancho Panza in this world than my longtime crush and for-all-time partner, Jenny Schwalbach. She not only lets me do whatever I want with her body, she enables me to do whatever I want with my
life
.
And lastly, thanks to
you
guys—the audience. You turned out in droves this year, supporting everything SModCo did—be it movies, podcasts, live shows, or the combination of all three!
What follows is a semicomplete list of all the screenings, live shows, podcasts, and general nonsense you allowed me to do in 2011 by giving me your money and showing up to see or hear us.
Look at what
you
made happen …
___________________
JANUARY
12/31–1/1
Hollywood Babble-On
New Years Fiasco
The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club and Podcast Theater, Universal CityWalk
1/1
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
1/3
Red State of the Union: Kerry Bishe
SModcastle
1/7
8
P.M.
:
Hollywood Babble-On
10
P.M.
:
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
1/10
Red State of the Union: Kyle Gallner
SModcastle
1/12
SModist at Nerdcastle Mash-Up Show
SModcastle
1/14
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
1/15
Hollywood Babble-On
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
1/17
Red State of the Union: Michael Parks
SModcastle
1/18
AOL Late Night promo shoot
AOL, Los Angeles
1/23
Red State
World Premiere
Sundance Film Festival
Park City, Utah
1/28
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
1/29
Hollywood Babble-On
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
1/31
Kev on
Chelsea Lately
,
Los Angeles
___________________
FEBRUARY
2/4
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/5
Hollywood Babble-On
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/7
Opie & Anthony
Sirius/XM, NYC
Gotham book deal for
Tough Sh*t
Penguin Books, NYC
2/8
Imus in the Morning
NYC
Joy Behar Show
HLN, NYC
2/10
Red State
InternationalDistributor Screening
Berlin Film Festival Market, Germany
2/12
Hollywood Babble-On
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/13
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/18
Real Time with Bill Mahr
Los Angeles
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/19
Hollywood Babble-On
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/22
Piers Morgan
CNN, Los Angeles
2/23
Attack of the Show
G4TV, Los Angeles
2/23
Telepictures Meeting with Jim Paratore;
Tonitely
is born
Jen Schwalbach’s House, Los Angeles
2/25
Hollywood Babble-On
The Lovitz, Universal CityWalk
2/26
Jay & Silent Bob Get Old
The Lovitz, UniversalCityWalk
