The Panty Whisperer: The Complete Series (15 page)

Tommy could've done it easily, but he was never very interested. It's funny because he's the only one who works in the software industry. Not that I would call what he does, working.

Mom walks around the corner with a plate of sandwiches and sets them down on the worn oak coffee table. She smacks Tommy's hand as he reaches for one of them.

"Have we said grace yet? What is wrong with you boys? It's like you've lost your damn minds."

I laugh and Tommy glares at me.

"Herbert doesn't even know who Paul is." His words are in a child's voice.

Mom gasps. I can't tell if she is being serious or playing along. "Excuse me?"

"I know who Paul is. He saw the bright light on the road to Damascus." I shoot Tommy a nice wide 'fuck you' grin as his face turns pink.

Mom smiles. She sees right through all of our bullshit antics. It doesn't stop us.

"So. Tell me Herbert. What exactly happened to Paul on the road to Damascus? What
really
happened that day?"

"W-well—" I stutter and glare at the prick while he leans back and cheeses on the couch.

Mom cuts me off. "You boys quit fooling around. I want to hear about the girl."

"It's nothing, seriously. No big deal."

"Is that right? No big deal? That's why you didn't answer your mother's calls? Had her worried sick about you? No, I want to hear an actual reason you would let me sit here thinking the worst. That's not how you were raised."

"Fine. Okay? There's a girl. It didn't work out."

The corners of their mouths turn up in unison. I hate this shit. They can't get enough. I've never dated a woman more than a few months, and I've certainly never been in love.

"Both of you need to quit. I liked her. It's nothing. I'm over it. Can we please move on?"

Their grins have morphed into huge smiles, and I can see two white sets of teeth.

"Your faces are going to cramp up if you smile any wider, Jesus." I freeze in my seat as Mom's smile turns to ice, sending a shiver up my spine.

Fuck me. People don't say the Lord's name like that in her house. I can't believe I just did that. Tommy was nearly catatonic, and is now covering his mouth, trying not to laugh his ass off.

I hold my hands up and lean back away from her. "I'm sorry. I don't know why that just happened."

She stands and points a finger at both of us as I slink into the couch.

"Probably because you speak that way when you're not in this house. Boy, I will lay your ass out if you ever do that again. Chasing girls around will be the least of your worries. Got me?"

"Yes Ma'am."

Tommy's face is tomato red.

She leans down and smacks him in the chest. It looks like his lungs cave in. I burst with laughter and quickly compose myself when she shoots me a look. She turns back to Tommy and points at him.

"Don't think I don't know you do it too. Sitting there laughing like you're innocent. I will put a whipping on both of you clowns. Turn your asses red as watermelons." She sits and turns to me. "
Now
, Herbert. Tell me about my future daughter-in-law."

Son of a bitch
.

They both erupt in laughter. I sit there and stare in disbelief, shaking my head. "You're both hilarious. You know that?" I get up and walk toward the kitchen to get something to drink. I know what's coming next as I stare at both of them.

"Are you guys registered at the Pottery Barn? I saw they had some nice salad bowls on clearance. I mean, I'm working with a budget here." Tommy tries to keep a straight face while I stare lasers at him, before turning and walking into the kitchen.

When I disappear, I hear them burst into laughter.

I shouldn't be surprised. This is the way it was growing up. I couldn't have asked for a better childhood.

A few hours pass, and it seems like minutes. It's been good to be home. We're about to head out the door, and Tommy walks to the car. Mom grabs me by the hand.

"I just want you to be happy." She puts a hand on my cheek.

"I know."

"Don't give up on her. If you think she's the one. At least try."

"It's complicated. I don't even know her. It doesn't make any sense." I sigh.

"You know her better than you think. Sometimes things just happen and it can't be explained. You just know."

"I'll think about it, okay? I don't think she feels the same way."

"Well, you won't ever know if you don't find out. I love you, Bubs." She gives me a hug.

"Love you too."

She releases me from the death hug, and I walk out to the car.

"I love you too, Thomas. Keep him in line." She stands in the driveway and waves.

"You know I will, Mom. Love you!"

We pull away.

As we cruise down the street, I turn to Tommy. "Thanks."

"You'd do the same." He pauses and looks over at me. "Check out the back seat."

I turn around and there sits the Nintendo with Tecmo Bowl next to it. "Dude, fuck yes! You swiped it from the house?"

"Nah, Mom brought it out to me. She said to make your fat ass exercise before you're allowed to play."

QUINN

I
'
M
SITTING
AT
a table in Starbucks when I nearly shoot piping hot white mocha out of my nose. Tommy ducks in the door wearing a trench coat, sunglasses, and a hat. It has to be 90 degrees outside. His head is on a swivel as he bumps into people on the way to the table.

I whisper under my breath. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"What the fuck, Quinn? You didn't wear a disguise? We talked about this on the phone for fuck's sake." He stands in front of the table, and I worry people are going to think he's robbing the place.

We continue whispering for some reason.

"I thought you were kidding. What the hell? You look like an idiot."

"I can't be seen with you, woman. You know that. Hence, the disguise."

He twirls around like he's a Victoria's Secret model before striking a pose on a fictitious runway. I need to take advantage of this conversation to ask about Joel. It's like a dagger to the stomach when I think about what I did to him, but he needed a reality check.

I halt the whispering and speak at a normal volume. "Seriously? Because of the Joel thing. He hates me that much?"

I hope he doesn't hate me. What the hell is my problem? Why do I feel sorry for him? He's a fucking player. Not worth my time.

"He's pretty shaken up. Gained some weight. Think he might be depressed." Tommy finally sits down.

"Poor guy."

Poor guy?
Get your shit together, Quinn. You sound like a desperate groupie for some celebrity.

"I mean, umm, yeah, that's too bad. Hope he feels better soon." I shrug and look away.

Tommy stares at me, too fucking intelligent for his own good. He takes off the terrible disguise, leans toward me, and props his elbows on the table. "So, you like Joel. Interesting."

"What? Why in the hell would you think that?" My face heats up, and it has to be turning pink.

There's that sarcastic stare of his again. I look up and see Megan. Thank god.

"There's Megan." I smile and wave her over. I promised Tommy I would set him up with someone. My matchmaking skills are superb, because Megan is perfect for him. I look over, and he's sweating bullets.

"Pull yourself together. Since when are you the nervous type?"

"I don't know. I think it's the disguise I'm wearing. You've got my ass all flustered over here. I can't think straight with the clandestine spy operation and that fine specimen of a woman walking this way." He taps his fingers furiously on the table.

I look down at his hand, then back up to him. "Jesus. Well, do me a favor and don't call her a specimen when she gets here, okay?"

He better not fuck this up. I want to look hot in my bridesmaid dress.

"Hey, Megan." I smile.

"Hey, how are you?" she asks.

"Great. This is Tommy. He's my friend I told you about."

Tommy stands up, but not before wiping his sweaty ass palms down his legs.

"Hello, me lady, how art thou this morrow?" His voice is some god awful Olde English accent.

I mouth "what in the fu—" from behind Megan where he can see. He shrugs as if he has no control over his actions. Megan is smiling. It's a good thing Tommy is cute. My face is in the palm of my hand at this point. It's a total disaster.

Please play that shit off as a joke.

"Oh, why hello, good Sir." Megan reciprocates with some kind of awkward curtsy.

She's wearing a black mid-length dress, and her wavy brunette hair is flowing over her shoulders. She has long legs that go for days down to a pair of black pumps. She's gorgeous, but also insanely smart. I don't understand what she's talking about when we talk about work. She's the director of IT at the marketing firm and graduated from Stanford with some degree in smart people computer stuff.

At least her reaction seems to have Tommy at ease. Maybe he will act normal now.

She sits down next to me. They're both silent, and I need to help them break the ice, apparently.

"Tommy works for a firm that specializes in accounting software.
Right, Tommy?"
I shoot a stare in his direction, trying to get him to start a conversation.

"Yeah, I don't really work much. I try to shirk my duties whenever possible."

Goddamn it. Women don't like lazy men, especially those who wear it as a badge of honor. This is going horribly wrong. Megan is ambitious and driven. Tommy tries to skate by with minimal effort. Maybe it was a bad idea.

"Oh yeah? How do you get away with it?" Megan leans in, apparently interested in his ways of laziness.

She must find him attractive. It's the only explanation.

"It's not hard. People are easy to read. I recognize patterns. Our software is a joke. Easy to learn. I show people modules that will be most useful and they love the hell out of me. I just steer them away from those that have the most bugs."

"Interesting. So you're not a programmer?"

"Hell no. I'd blow my brains out writing accounting software."

Megan laughs. What the hell is going on here? I'm cringing with every word. Surely he realizes this woman's life is programming computers and he says he'd blow his brains out?

"So, how do you know it has bugs?" Megan twirls a lock of her hair around her finger.

I convince myself I'm in the Twilight Zone.

"I spotted them when they showed me the source code."

She laughs but has a curious look about her. "You spotted the bugs? Looking at it once? Bullshit."

"Umm. Okay? I didn't spot all the bugs looking at it once." He shrugs.

There's the confident sarcasm I've been waiting for.

Megan appears intrigued. "Okay, seriously? You really spotted them?"

"I can spot an infinite loop a mile away. Especially in Python. Most of those pricks are amateur script kiddies that think they're hackers."

"Is it all written in Python?"

"No. There's one decent coder there who actually listens to me. I told him which parts to write in C. I edited some of it for him. It made the program lightning fast. I really should've leveraged that deal better. I didn't get a damn thing come to think of it."

Megan keeps giggling like a schoolgirl.

I look over at Tommy. I give him a thumbs up when Megan isn't watching.

"Also, if I free up time at work, I can flame all the wannabe George Lucas fanboys on YouTube."

Megan leans toward Tommy. "I know right. This fucker on Facebook tried to make an argument for Jar Jar's existence the other day."

I seriously do not know what in the fuck is going on at this point. But they are both smiling, so I feel like it's going well. I'm also shocked that she said "fuck." I've never heard her talk like that.

"Jar Jar Binks is a fucking abomination who should be tortured Law-Abiding-Citizen-style. Abrams had better bury that fucker or I will troll the balls off his Twitter feed." Tommy beams with pride at his declaration.