The Chance: A Novel (50 page)

A shiver came over Ellie, and she wondered if she was getting sick. Maybe she would die from a broken heart. Literally too much pain all at once. Her fingers were cold and stiff, but she managed to open the next letter. The motivation to read another of her mother’s messages was too great.

She pulled out the single piece of paper and read the date. Her mom always included the date. Almost as if, deep within, she knew Ellie wasn’t getting her letters, and that if there ever came a day when she did, that detail would be important. The way it was now.

October 17, 2006.

The date jumped out at Ellie and took her breath. The day before Kinzie was born. Ellie had been alone and in labor until Tina rushed home from beauty school to be with her. At the
same time—the exact same time—somewhere in Savannah, her mother had been writing her a letter. Fresh tears flooded Ellie’s heart and spilled into her eyes. She blinked a few times so she could see the words.

Dear Ellie,

You’re on my heart so much today. I could barely concentrate at work, hardly focus when I was reading John his bedtime story. I have to think that wherever you are, something is wrong. You’re hurting or lonely . . . like it’s a very difficult day for you. I don’t usually feel this way. Call it a mother’s intuition, but I’d give anything to know what’s happening in your life right now. To hear your voice.

Ellie brought the paper to her face and let the tears come, let the sobs shake her body and take the air from her lungs.
Mom . . . I wanted you to be there. You should’ve been there.
She closed her eyes, and she was in the hospital bed again, in the throes of labor. Her body racked with pain and Tina holding her hand. And all Ellie could think, all she could do as Kinzie came into the world, was pretend that the hand she was holding wasn’t Tina’s at all.

But her mother’s.

If you only knew how much I wanted you there . . .

The paper was wet with Ellie’s tears. She set it on the floor. Someday she would show the letters to Kinzie. They were all she had of her mom and the years they’d missed. She couldn’t afford to lose them. Not one of them. Especially not this one.

Her body needed air. She breathed in and fought for clarity, for focus so she could know what to do next. How could her
father have hidden them from her? Letter after letter after letter. More words of love and encouragement and desperation than any mother would usually speak to a daughter in a lifetime.

And not one word, not one page had ever reached her.

It was the most horrific thing her father could have done. He must have hated both of them to keep her mother’s words from her. To deny her the right to know how much her mom loved her. How much she had always loved her. Ellie held her breath, grasping for any sense of normal.

Ellie felt sick. Sicker than she had all day. She stood, and a wave of dizziness slammed against her. She ran to the bathroom and barely made it before losing her breakfast. When her body stopped convulsing she stayed on her knees, her head in her hands. Her mother’s aching tone in the letters and her consistent declarations of love, her undying determination on every page that they would be together again. No wonder she was sick. The truth was that hard to take.

When she was finished, when her stomach ached from the heartbreak and her mouth was sour from the awful reality, she went to the computer and Googled her mother’s name. Caroline Tucker, Savannah, Georgia. No contact information came up. Her mother probably didn’t have means for more than a cell phone.

The letters in the other room called to her again. Never mind how sick she felt, she had to get back to them. She read another one and another one and another one after that. Gradually, the pieces of her mother’s lonely life began to come together. The letters were full of details and apologies and mentions of God and prayer. Never mind that Ellie never wrote back. Not once in any of the letters had she even hinted
at feeling angry with Ellie or bitter or forgotten. She would simply wait a week, take out another piece of paper, another envelope, and try again.

Every week . . . every month . . . for eleven years.

In one of the letters her mom mentioned that she had celebrated her ten-year anniversary working at the new doctor’s office. Which meant that even with the time difference Ellie could make a few phone calls and probably reach her mother today. She worked at a doctor’s office in Savannah. That was the only information she needed.

Something sad occurred to her. She could’ve called doctor’s offices in Savannah their first year in San Diego. Only she’d been fifteen back then. And until this morning, she’d believed that her mother didn’t care about her at all. Why go search for someone who didn’t want her? Until a few hours ago, Ellie’s mom had been dead to her.

Tina came home for lunch, and Ellie brought the box to the kitchen. “Look at this.” She opened the box, and the story poured out. “She wrote all of these.”

“Every week? He hid your mother’s letters to you all those years?” Tina quickly grew angry. She didn’t have a relationship with her own dad, a guy who hadn’t been in her life since she was a baby. “That’s against the law, I’m sure it is. Hiding mail? Seems like he could be arrested.”

Ellie hadn’t considered that. For the most part, she hadn’t thought about him at all. She was better off not to. The image of him weeping as he stood against the brick wall outside Merrilou’s left her torn between hating him and pitying him. What could have possessed her father to hide these letters from her all this time? And what had changed that he would bring the box to her work yesterday?

She pushed the thought from her mind.

Action. That’s what she needed. A plan. Tina had to get back to work. When she was gone, Ellie took the box back to the living room. The letter on the floor called to her, the one damp with her tears. The one her mother had written the day before Kinzie was born. She read it once more and then tucked it into the back pocket of her jeans. With all the pain of missing her mom, with all she’d lost over the years, Ellie couldn’t help but feel a little better. Her mother had been praying for her the day she went into labor.

No time or distance could change the bond between them.

She bundled the other letters she’d read and set them on top of the mass of envelopes in the box. It would go in the hall closet for now. Kinzie was very perceptive and if she saw a collection of hundreds of letters, she would have another full day of questions.

Questions Ellie wasn’t ready to answer.

The box fit on the floor at the back of the closet, where it couldn’t be seen.

That much was done, so what next? She could call around and find the doctor’s office where her mother worked. But the idea felt wrong. Anticlimactic. Her mother had loved her so well for so long, she deserved to hear from Ellie in person. Yes, that was it. She would go to Savannah. A plan took shape quickly and gave her a break from the tears. She hurried to the computer. Her eyes stung, and her head pounded, but she didn’t care.

She would call Merrilou’s tomorrow and tell the owner she needed two weeks. She hadn’t taken more than a couple of days’ vacation since she was hired. Whether they paid her or not, she needed the time. This was a family emergency. She
searched the map once more, planning how far she would get the first day.

She would take the I-8 east to Arizona, and connect with Interstate 10 all the way to Las Cruces, New Mexico, before getting a hotel. A ten-hour drive. That would be easy, knowing what she knew now. The day after she would reach the I-20 and take it to Dallas, and on the third day, she would stop in Birmingham. That would leave seven hours before she reached Savannah.

Before she was home.

She would find her mom easily, because she had her address. None of this stalking her just outside work, the way her father had done. Ellie printed out the directions and closed Google. Her mind was made up.

She would talk to Kinzie tonight while the two of them packed. Very early tomorrow morning they would set out and be halfway to Phoenix before she called to say she wasn’t coming in to work. It would be an adventure. Kinzie would think a road trip was the best thing since going to church. They would pack light—a couple of duffel bags full of clothes, some basic toiletries, and the letter.

The one her mom had written to Ellie the day before Kinzie’s birth.

An hour later, as Tina got off work and picked up the girls, Ellie put together carrot sticks and graham crackers for Kinzie’s afternoon snack and thought about the incredible timing. Her father knew nothing about June first and her promise with Nolan, nothing about the tackle box buried beneath the old oak tree. Yet after all these years, he had given her more than a box of letters. He had given her a reason to go back to Savannah.

Days before her long-ago promise to meet up with Nolan.

He was dating Kari Garrett now, but that didn’t change the facts. If everything went the way she planned it, she would pull in to Savannah on the last day of May.

Twenty-four hours before the time they had promised to meet.

She dismissed the thought. Crazy timing. A coincidence.

How could it be anything more than that?

Chapter
Twenty-one

S
leep wouldn’t come.

Every time Ellie drifted off, the face of her father came to her. She had every reason to hate him. Tina was right—Ellie had checked online, and stealing mail was a federal offense, punishable by time in a penitentiary. Not that she would press charges, but she certainly had a right to be angry.

So why couldn’t she stop thinking of him, standing there and crying? Apologizing to her? Something must’ve happened. Maybe he’d lost his job or someone in his life had died. Or he’d witnessed a tragic car accident. Something. He had mentioned God, so that could be it. Maybe he looked in the mirror one day and recognized the awful darkness of his heart. Or how far removed he was from his supposed faith. Maybe he’d seen how ugly his Christianity had been. The faith he’d tried to control them with.

She flipped onto her other side, but sleep wouldn’t come, and Ellie knew why. Her heart was struggling to hate him. There lay the problem. She could see the pain in his expression, feel the hurt in his eyes when he begged her to forgive him.

She opened her eyes and rolled onto her back. The street lamp shone into her room enough that she could see the ceiling. What did she teach Kinzie about forgiveness? How many times had she come home sad because other little girls on the playground had laughed at her shoes or refused to include her in their games? Inevitably, the next day the same girls would be sorry and want her to be part of their group.

Ellie could hear herself.
Kinzie, if the girls are sorry, you need to forgive them. Forgiveness makes you feel better. As soon as you forgive, you’re free. Hurt people actually hurt people.
How many times had she said that to her little girl? She closed her eyes, but she could feel them fluttering open again.

Like at the zoo, this would’ve been the perfect time to pray. But she didn’t need to talk to God. She had to talk to herself. Her father had done the meanest thing possible. He’d stopped her from having a relationship with her mom for a crazy amount of time. Just trying to grasp all she’d lost was enough to send her back to the bathroom. She should hate him and never talk to him. Ever.

Holding on to her anger and unforgiveness would be completely justified. But she would feel sick all the time, and she certainly wouldn’t be free. With the clock counting down the minutes until their road trip, an idea began to form. Maybe before they hit the highway, they could stop by his house. She could knock on the front door, tell him she forgave him, and then spend the next three days behind the wheel, trying to convince herself it was true.

There. If that’s what she was supposed to do, then sleep should finally come. Instead, the list began to run on repeat through her mind. Every reason she shouldn’t forgive him, the sensible facts that would make her feel like a crazy person for
stopping by his house for any reason. Her father had been cold and unforgiving, holding Ellie and her mother to an impossible standard. His meanness had pushed Ellie away, just like it had pushed her mother away all those years ago.

She wouldn’t stop at his house any more than she would drive to Savannah with four flat tires. Absolutely not. The finality in her decision gradually gave way to sleep. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the next thing she knew, someone was shaking her. Ellie put her hand over the smaller one on her shoulder. “Kinzie?”

“Mommy, wake up!” She sounded worried.

Ellie opened one eye and looked at the alarm. “What?” She shot up. The alarm hadn’t gone off, or she’d forgotten to set it. They were supposed to be on the road by seven o’clock, but already it was ten after eight.

“You have to see this.” Kinzie pointed to her own bed and bounced a little. “Hurry, Mommy.”

“Just a minute.” Ellie rubbed her swollen eyes and looked at Kinzie. She peeled back the covers and eased her feet onto the floor. “We have to hurry. Today’s our—”