The Body Language Rules (15 page)

TiPs To sPoT The liAR

I First of all: ask yourself if you really do want to expose their

lies . If you're happier being fooled then you might

collude with the lie and only look for evidence

of honesty .

I Value your gut reaction; it's based on very complex information

processing .

I Remind yourself of your partner's normal, honest body language

behaviors . Invest some time in studying them more

closely to spot patterns of behavior .

I Beware the error Othello made if you do decide to confront

your partner . Being placed under pressure by being

accused can produce shifty-looking body language

signals in the most innocent person .

I Look for changes in normal behavior, like working longer or

different hours, more time spent away at courses or confer-

ences, and so on . 196 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I check for different smells . People having affairs often

wash more or change their perfume or aftershave .

I They also buy new underwear .

I Their vocabulary changes as they pick up new words from their

new love .

I As does their body language--look for new gestures .

I And don't overlook changes in their musical taste--they'll start

to extend their cD collection .

I Don't be fooled if they start looking at you more . You might

take this for affection, but it's more likely they're

evaluating you against their new lover .

I Don't expect nicer behavior . Guilt will often make your

partner more picky and argumentative . They're

finding flaws in you so they don't feel as guilty .

I Look for extended pauses or playing for time if and when you

ask questions .

I Watch for eye movement--it's not set in stone, but eyes going

up to the right can mean imagination or fabrication, to the left

can mean recalled memory .

I Watch for cutoffs at the moment of lie, like dropping their eyes,

looking away, or face covering .

I Watch for signs of increased pressure, which can cause an

adrenalin buzz . This can mean a dry mouth with

extra swallowing or lip licking, shallow breathing,

increased blink rate, and muscle tension of the jaw

and shoulder area . d a ti n g an d Mat i n g 197

red-carPet know-How: reLatIonsHIP Body Language tHe ceLeBrIty way I've been analyzing celebrity body language for TV and magazines for several years and believe there's a lot we can all learn from their red-carpet poses. Celebrity couples are infamously popular, and thus there will always be a strong whiff of professionalism hanging around any celeb pairing, making it easy to be suspicious about the real messages behind the ones we see on display.

By reading a red-carpet couple's performed signals and then looking for their body language leakage you can gain some good insights into the state of some of your own relationships.

BLuff dispLays

I as a general rule of thumb, the more affectionate a celebrity

couple looks in public the nearer they are to a divorce.

Remember Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston

walking arm in arm along that tropical beach just

before he rushed off into the arms of Angelina

Jolie? Or Angelina's overt displays of tonsil

tennis with hubby Billy Bob Thornton? When

a couple tries too hard to show their deep and

enduring love for one another it's a sure bet their

lawyers are busy licking the envelopes of the

divorce papers. 198 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I The hardest emotion to act out is a genuinely shared and very

subtle sense of humor . I'm not talking about those

full-on, mouth-thrown-wide-open smiles that you

get from the likes of Katie Holmes and Britney

Spears, but the knowing smiles that a well-honed

couple will throw one another to share a silent

joke . These subtle and suppressed smiles will say

more about what is positive in a relationship than

any amount of full-on groping .

I Tie-signs are often invisible in photos but you can see them in

action during filmed footage . When Tom Cruise appeared

with Nicole Kidman when they were married he

performed a series of small pats on her back as they

were posing . These were behind-the-scenes pats as

far as the banks of snappers were concerned, but

they showed how closely choreographed the couple

apparently were and who was in charge of that

choreography . Each pat Tom did appeared to be a

signal for movement .

I Proximity is often a valuable clue to genuine red-carpet relation-

ships . If a couple's heads are close there's often some

trust on display . If their eye-gaze points in the same

direction they're probably like-minded or share

similar goals . Arm and hand displays are often

easily performed, so look for hidden hands that

aren't held aloft but are clasped together . Torsos D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 199

will be hugely revealing . If they're congruent--that

is, both angled inward--the couple is probably for

real, especially if there's pelvic closeness, which

will signal a healthy sex life . Often, though, one

person is turned fully toward the camera while the

other is draped over him or her . This is an ego and

status display that can be telling . If it's the bigger

star who's fronting the shots, then you can imagine

some silent resentment from the partner . If it's the

non-star who's fronting the pose while the big star

plays compliant, then you'll know there's trouble

to come . I Some celeb couples manage a status imbalance, but many more

struggle . Look at footage or shots of musician Rod

Stewart and model Penny Lancaster and you'll see

a big star employing submissive body language with

his taller and more camera-friendly partner . At one

stage Rod's response while Penny took over the

interview was to ogle her cleavage to reinstate his

alpha male credentials . I Some celebs appear to struggle with status swings, though .

When Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Lopez, she

was undeniably the bigger name . Instead of rocking

and rolling with this at his movie premiere, though,

Ben worked the crowd while J-Lo stood talking

with what looked like security . It was obviously a 200 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

bid to not upstage her man, but a thousand cameras

were still focused in her direction nevertheless . Ben

had a very naughty habit when kissing Jennifer in

front of the cameras, too, using what's called the

distracted kiss . While kissing one of the world's

most desirable women, he would glance out and

away from her, suggesting she wasn't enough to

hold his attention .

I elton John and David Furnish probably manage the red-carpet

poses better than most . David excels at the perfect

camera smile and they tend to pose as equals, with

Elton marginally more dominant . As they move

away from the cameras their tie-signs intensify

rather than decrease, suggesting genuine affection .

I One big red-carpet moment that every celebrity dreads is the

"smile-you've-just-been-dumped" pose . Whereas normal

mortals get to lock themselves away until the tears

of shame have dried, recently dumped celebs are

forced to grit their teeth and get out in front of the

banks of cameras . Their response is always to perform

what I call the Oscar-loser pose . Remember that

moment during the Oscars when all the nominees'

faces are plastered on screen to see their responses

when they find out who won? The format is always

the same: the winner must look distraught while the

losers grin and laugh as though they've just heard D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 201

some excellent news . When a close couple split

there's no going back as far as their body language

is concerned . All the naturally synchronized chore-

ography ceases and they become less attuned than

total strangers .

key PoinTs: � There are many more cues for attraction than perfect good looks.

evolutionary impulses and positive body language signals can play a

much larger role than beauty . � Your facial expressions and body movements are far more likely to

cause resonance than your outfit or hairdo . � Your eyes will transmit and receive all those complex signals of

attraction in the first few moments of meeting . � A smile can be more seductive than any amount of self-touch or

more overt sexual display .

g wItH

deaLIn

frIen ds and

reL atIves d

ealing with partners and ex-partners can be a cinch

compared with all those other relationships in our lives. Did you ever take time to consider your own body language signals when you're with parents, siblings, other relatives, or friends? We tend to expect a form of uncon- ditional love from most of these people in our lives, often basking in the knowledge that these are the people we can truly "be ourselves" with, letting the social and/or workplace mask slip or drop with an almost audible sigh of relief.

Having relationships with people who know you well and who have seen you grow up, so they have a pretty accurate grasp of most facets of your personality, makes us feel comfortable and secure. However, it can also make us complacent, and complacency can lead to misunder- standings that cause rifts, rows, and conflict.

Although you might save your prime performance moments, in body language terms, for lovers and people 204 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

who have a direct effect on your career or bank balance, it's just as vital to take steps to analyze and maximize your social or home "performances," too . This chapter looks at the complex nature of those relationships and shows you some simple steps to help maintain or improve them .

PosiTive BodyTAlk One of the best things about your body language with your friends is your instinctive tendency to perform postural echo . This is a natural mirroring of movement, mood, and pace that can even have the effect of making friends look like one another . Sometimes it's contrived to send a conscious signal of pack formation and exclusivity to the rest of the world . An example of this is when school kids create their own gestures and language and clothing style that--although not exclusive to their pack and probably copied from others in the first place--will be worn as a kind of badge to denote similarities within their group .

When two close friends greet one another there are usually mirrored rituals, with changes in facial expression and displays of hugging, patting, and even punching or hitting that would never be used between strangers . It's polite to greet friends in this intimate way, but it can be less usual to greet family members with such gusto .

Sadly, the very fact that you feel less pressure to "put your best face forward" with close family members can lead to upset or conflict . As much as we cherish the D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 205

ability to "be ourselves" with family, that nonperforming "self" can be wearing to live with . Any parent who has ever watched their teenage offspring's communications range from open, positive, and friendly with their peers to monosyllabic and negative with them will know the feelings of anger, frustration, bewilderment, and rejection that occur as a result . What should really be flattering-- the fact that the teen has no feelings of pressure to mask their depression and bewilderment at life in general when with their parents--becomes perceived as an insult . The same is true of many close family relationships . Without the perceived need for social masking, a very unpleasant- looking "real" self can emerge .

It's perhaps important to remember that we were all once egocentric children who only saw our own needs and wants and had no thoughts of social performing . This child is still very much alive and well inside ourselves, and we can happily revert to that same state when we're feeling safest and most relaxed .

A colleague's elderly father was recently disabled . Whenever she visited she would sit listening to a catalog of moans and descriptions of the levels of depression he was suffering . Yet when she bumped into the next-door neighbor she was told how bright and upbeat her father was and how well he was braving his disablement, always laughing it off . My colleague quite naturally felt resentment . Why did she get all the moans while everyone 206 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

else got this upbeat performance? The answer is an easy one, but dealing with this incongruence is probably less easy . Do relatives always get the worst of their family members? The answer is probably yes . Family relation- ships can be very selfish because that's the framework they're based on . At one time a parent or older sibling would have had the job of nurturing the younger child and offering it unconditional love . This state is very seductive and it's one we seek to replicate throughout our entire lives . This means being loved in spite of our behavior, not the demanding, exhausting social mask we use on everyone else .

hIeRARchy AnD PeckIng ORDeRS Every family is hierarchical and it can be this strong pecking order that is necessary for peace . Age and wisdom are the most valid reasons for high status within the unit but, like any colony of animals, the question of age dominance is no longer a given once the children get to physical maturity .

There's always an underlying sense of alpha supremacy in a family group, where the status is usually decided by size and strength . Often parents take a short-term view when they establish this . Kids grow very quickly and each generation seems to get bigger and taller, which can lead to the kind of face-offs that you normally only see in a wildlife setting . D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 207

Avoiding sTATus squABBles

I Throughout the early life of your child, try to avoid body

language gestures that emphasize height, size, or power differ-

entials like looming over someone, placing your hands on your

hips, shouting, or blocking their way . These can come

back and bite you .

I Use real signals of intellectual power instead . Keep calm

and use assertive body language like eye contact

(though not hard staring); open, emphatic, but

unswerving gestures; and physical confidence

rather than underlying aggression .

I many if not most family squabbles are prompted by status incon-

gruence . In an animal colony this would be sorted

out by fighting, but, luckily, humans are usually less

willing to gouge, claw, and wrestle to establish the

pecking order . Always remember that no hierarchy

is ever totally stable . People leave home and get

promoted in the workplace, family members age,

and the nurturers and protectors become the ones

needing to be cared for . Status squabbles in families

focus around seating and sleeping arrangements,

space, food, fairness, and tokens of power like the

remote control or car keys .

I Parents often try to succumb to these constant battles by dividing

rather than ruling . If each family member has his or her

own space with their own TV and computer, the 208 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

status battles appear to vanish at one stroke . With

its own remote control and mouse in its hand, a child

can feel in charge of its own destiny . Unfortunately,

destiny isn't all about life on screen . By sidelining

children (and adults!) in this way, they can miss

out on real life and the vital lessons that need to

be learned for survival . Because of the computer,

an entire generation has grown up wielding false

feelings of grandeur and power . Having had their

own space and virtual kingdom for most of their

growing years, but without ever learning the skills

of real status or transactional development, this

generation could end up in trouble . Even bad trans-

actions are better than no transactions at all, as no

communication means no learning .

I In body language transactions among family members or even

close friends, there is often a parent/adult/child ratio that

can cause transactional success or transactional failure . How

many of us have had arguments with our parents for

"still talking to me as though I'm a child"? And how

many parents have felt aggravated when their adult

child fails to treat them with respect any more?

I It's very rare for family members to use the adult-to-adult

behavior and body language that we learn to strive for in

our business relationships . This is where both people

are acting in a way to imply even status and using D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 209

calm and unprejudiced language . In fact, this style

of communication would be almost unnatural

in a family setting, where there will always be a

perception of pecking order .

Emphasized child displays may include:

I Shouting

I Stamping

I clenched fists

I Folded arms to signal rebellion or stubbornness

I Waving someone away

I Shrugging

I cutoffs, like covering the face or shutting the eyes

I crying

I Sticking out of the bottom lip or jutting the jaw

I curling into self, hunching, head down

I Door slamming

I giggling

I Wrestling

I Play fighting

Emphasized parent displays may include:

I Finger pointing or wagging

I Staring

I hands on hips

I Body blocking 210 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I Standing with legs astride

I head shaking or head-baton

I Tutting

I Rolling eyes

I Puffing

I nurturing, for example, stroking, hugging, ruffling hair, wiping

face, grooming gestures, offering food, and so on

CReATing ComPlemenTARy BehAvioRs Much will depend on whether these body displays are complementary or not . Often the problems come when a parent displays parental gestures in front of his or her child's friends or peers, thus lowering a child's status in a pack it needs to survive in . Remember the kids getting a kiss from their moms at school? That kiss is probably sought by the child at home, but spells doom for the child when it's performed in front of peers . Complementary body language transactions are ones that assume compatible roles . For instance, when a parent tells a child to "Clean your room" and uses staring and finger wagging to make a point, the parent is adopting a critical, dominant role, which will seek out a submissive, compliant response . If the child says, "Okay, sorry, Dad," hanging their head, dropping their eyes, and rushing upstairs with a dustpan and brush, the transaction will have been complementary . D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 211

If the child rushes into the family room yelling: "It's nearly Christmas!" waving their arms and smiling, that child is firmly in instinctive, enthusiastic child mode . To make this a complementary transaction the parent would need to respond in kind, for example, "Yay! I can't wait either!" and start running around the room and laughing .

But what happens when the first scenario obtains a noncomplementary response? What if the first kid stares back at his or her parent, juts his or her chin, and says nothing? This will be the child going into stubborn rebel- lious mode, and it means the parent will need to go to stage two . Or what if the second kid gets a response of "Don't interrupt me while I'm reading" and is mock-swatted away with one flick of the hand? Chances are that the child will look disappointed and a chance for building closeness between parent and child will have been missed .

PUShIng The TRAnSAcTIOn Creating complementary body language transactions isn't always useful, though . If your best friend has a habit of raising her status by ordering you around and telling you what to do, you can take a complementary stance by adopting a subservient pose, dropping your posture, and doing what you're told, but--unless you have a predi- lection for servitude--you'll probably feel a building resentment each time you act compliant . 212 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

It's very possible, then, that you will want to make moves to change your friend's behavior . Instead of the compliant, complementary response, you might opt for something less servile that will make her less likely to dominate you . It would be tempting to try an aggressive stance, staring hard and pointing as you accuse her of bossing you around . This is likely to force her even further into the controlling state by getting angry and arguing . Strategic body language plotting means you'd opt for an assertive state, keeping calm and adult as you use enough eye contact to look confident and enough open, emphatic gestures to show you don't want to argue but you mean what you say .

These strategic body language transactions can help with any social or family relationship . Transactional planning is especially useful if you're locked into a trans- actional pattern with one or more relatives--that is, a kind of Groundhog Day scenario when you always argue over the same things . You could have a disagreeable mother-in-law who you feel is always criticizing you when she comes to visit or a sibling who's always getting drunk and acting like a child at weddings or parties . Once you pinpoint their body language state by studying their gestures, posture, and facial expressions, you can analyze if you're going for the complementary response (which could include arguing, paying too much attention to D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 213

them, or getting upset and crying) or if you should try to change your state to persuade them to change theirs .

PRACTiCAl TiPs To Avoid flAshPoinTs wiTh fAmily oR fRiends The next few pages contain some very practical tips for creating empathy and rapport with the people closest to you . They might involve changing some of your tradi- tional patterns of behavior, and they can be read as a "pick and mix," that is, you pick out what you feel fits your own scenarios, but do read them with an open mind, especially if you have traditional flashpoints or trouble spots that you want to overcome .

hOW TO meeT yOUR neW PARTneR'S FAmILy AnD FRIenDS FOR The FIRST TIme Meeting a new partner's loved ones can be daunting, but not always for the reasons everyone imagines . It would be a clich� to suggest you want to make a good first impression, but there should always be limits . Being too ingratiating at first can cause problems later on in this relationship, and although it's fine to lower your own status to a certain degree in order to integrate with your new partner's loved ones, anything more radical may mean you're forced into a low-status role for the rest of your life together . 214 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S