Question Quest (33 page)

“Yes, what?” Tittle added.

“The exchange of wives,” Humfrey said. “As agreed.”

Jot and Tittle exchanged one glance. “I think he didn't read the small print,” Jot said.

“Yes, I think he didn't,” Tittle agreed.

“Small print?” the Gorgon asked, her veil twisting in perplexity.

Jot extended his hand, and a big magnifying glass appeared in it. “Use this,” he said.

“Yes, read the small print,” Tittle said.

Humfrey took the glass and held it over the decorative line. The line expanded, and turned out to be two lines of very small print, now legible:

But only in the Changes of Moon On days beginning with Letter N

“ 'But only in the Changes of Moon, on days beginning with Letter N,' ” Lacuna read aloud, getting it right for her own text. “But when does the moon change?”

“And what day of the week begins with the letter N?” the Gorgon asked. She looked at Humfrey. “Dear, this is nonsense.”

“Tough udder,” Jot said smugly.

“You signed,” Tittle said smugly.

Humfrey shrugged. “Did you suppose I got to be the Magician of Information without understanding the concept of small print?” he asked. “It can merely modify, not reverse the contract; that's according to the rules demons follow. We have only to interpret it.”

“Well, go home and interpret it,” Jot said.

“Yes, and stop bothering me,” Tittle added.

Humfrey waggled a finger at them. “Not until I have completed my mission. If I leave beforehand, I will default.” He turned to the Gorgon. “You interpret the Changes of Moon.” Then he turned to Lacuna. “You find the days beginning with N. ”

Lacuna exchanged two glances with the Gorgon. Then both fell to concentrating. Lacuna thought about the days of the week, and found none that began with N. There were two beginning with S, two with T, and one each with F, M and W. There was a month beginning with N, NoRemember, but no day. Yet it seemed that there had to be a day. What could it be?

Then she suffered a blinding inspiration. There were" N days—if the days of the month were numbered alphabetically! The ninth and the nineteenth.

“Lacuna has gotten her notion,” Humfrey remarked, blinking as the flash of light faded.

Then a flashbulb went off just above the Gorgon's head, making Lacuna blink. The other part of it had been solved.

“The moon changes every month, just like a woman,” the Gorgon said. “So it's every month.”

“On the ninth or nineteenth,” Lacuna added.

“And what is today?” Humfrey inquired as if bored.

“The ninth of OctOgre,” Lacuna said.

“Then what in Hell's annex are we waiting for?” Humfrey demanded irritably.

Jot and Tittle exchanged half a glance and half a shrug. It was evident that the Demon's little trick had been found out. He had tried to out wait Humfrey and not succeeded; so he had tried to fool him with the appearance of the little twins, and not succeeded; so he had tried to pose an unanswerable question and not succeeded. This contract was the fourth trick which had failed, thanks to Humfrey's determination and insight. Would there be another trick? If so, what would it be?

Lacuna looked up. The others were looking at her. Oh, no—she had been automatically transcribing her thoughts, and they were-now being printed on the wall. There were no secrets here!

“There will be one more trick,” Humfrey said. “But it will be possible to navigate it, if we are sensible. The Demon can not actually cheat. There must always be a way through, however devious, or he defaults.”

Only one more trick. That was a relief! Lacuna turned away from the wall, preferring not to see her thoughts displayed. Fortunately she was such a dull person that no one else was really interested in her thoughts anyway.

“Right you are,” Humfrey agreed absently.

“Don't mind him, dear,” the Gorgon murmured.

“He only speaks when he's interested, even if only to grump.”

That made Lacuna feel better. But she tried to cut off her thoughts, without much success.

“Well, let's go,” Jot said, walking toward Hell's door.

“Yes, let's make the exchange,” Tittle agreed, pacing him.

And the Demon, she realized: he must have wanted this also. Perhaps because the Gorgon was in her way as great a prize as Rose in her way. Rose could grow flowers in Hell; the Gorgon was now a successful actress. The Demon must want to keep her, but could not unless he made the deal. What a cynical bargain!

The two children paused at the door. As one, they glanced back at Lacuna, knowing her thoughts. So did Humfrey. She felt a chill, not of danger but of understanding. These folk were frighteningly intelligent and cynical. How could any ordinary person compete?

“We don't try, dear,” the Gorgon murmured, walking beside her. Then Lacuna realized that the Gorgon, too, was getting something she wanted: instead of waking and returning to her life as a housewife, she would get to continue her dream career, at least half the time. Hell, it seemed, was not much of a specter to one who was making a career in bad dreams.

The twins pushed open the door. “Come on,” Jot said.

“All of you,” Tittle said.

They walked through the door: the twins, Humfrey, and the Gorgon and Lacuna. The print followed along on the wall and when necessary the floor, recording the scene.

Hell turned out to be a barren, smoky, windy place. Everything was soiled gray: the ground, the walls, the sky. Lacuna coughed as she breathed the bad air, but the Gorgon's thick veil seemed to protect her.

The path led upward. Then abruptly it was too hot and dry, with a blazing sun and withered trees.

They followed the path on around and down into a gulch—and here it was clammy wet, with greasy dirty water forming on the skin.

Farther along, it was cold, with grimy snow on the ground and a storm approaching. But when the storm arrived it was mostly just violence, threatening to blow them off the path.

Lacuna was beginning to understand the nature of Hell: the weather was always wrong.

Then they came to a garden, and there were roses. The air became sweet with their fragrance, and the climate was almost nice. Red, yellow, and blue: the rarest roses known. This had to be the magic of Princess Rose, making even Hell become pleasant in this one limited region.

An there she was, a woman of middle years, kept at the age she had been when brought here in the hand-basket: Rose. Now she was somewhat plump, her hair becoming ash gray, but even so, more attractive than Lacuna herself, because she was interesting rather than dull. She was in work clothes, but these were well tailored and well cared for. She did not see the approaching party, being intent on her work.

“Hey, Rose-hips!" Jot called.

“Someone to see you, petal-ears,” Tittle added.

Rose looked up from the orange-striped rose bush she was tending. Her mouth curved into a rose-petal bow of surprise as she peered past the twins to fix on Humfrey. “My husband! You have come at last!” Then she saddened. “Or did you die?”

“I did not die,” he said, walking up to her. “But I had to compromise. I can free you only part time.”

She brushed herself off and embraced him. “Part time is better than no time. But how is it that you have come now, after ninety years? You don't look ninety years older.”

“I've been using youth elixir. I could not rescue you before, so I took Lethe elixir. When it wore off, I came here. However, there is a complication.”

“There always is,” Rose said wisely.

“I remarried.”

“I know. Sofia is here too.”

“But she was Mundane!”

“Yes, she was surprised to find herself here when she died, but not unduly dismayed. She said it wasn't much worse than Mundania in bad weather. Taiwan is here too, and even MareAnn.”

“MareAnn!” Humfrey echoed.

“Sofia is your wife too,” Jot said.

“And the Maiden Taiwan,” Tittle added.

Lacuna began to see the trap being sprung on Humfrey. He had made a deal to get his wife out for a limited time—but there were three wives here. How could he rescue one and not the others?

“And who are your friends?” Rose inquired, becoming aware of the remaining two women.

“This is Lacuna, who is recording my history,” Humfrey said. “And this is the Gorgon, my fifth wife.”

Rose frowned. It was almost as if she were becoming aware of a problem. But she kept it to herself. “So nice to meet you, Gorgon. Are you alive or dead?”

“I am alive,” the Gorgon said. “I have agreed to take the place of a wife here, so that that wife can return to life for a time.”

Rose smiled, and it was like the blossoming of a new rose. “Then you are generous! I knew my husband would marry only a good woman.”

Surprised, the Gorgon smiled too, under her veil. “Yes, that is true.” Lacuna knew they were complimenting each other, not themselves.

Just then another figure approached. It was a much younger woman, quite shapely in her revealing dress. “Are you collecting wives, Humfrey?” she inquired.

Humfrey looked at her, and was chagrined. “Oh, no!” he muttered.

“And who is this?” the Gorgon asked.

“The Demoness Dana—my first wife,” Humfrey said.

“If you are now dating your wives, I qualify,” Dana said.

“But you left me when you lost your soul!”

“True. But on reflection, I realized that I was happier when I was with you. You must admit that I was a good wife, while it lasted. I can be so again.”

Meanwhile three more women were approaching. “Ah, here are MareAnn, Maiden Taiwan, and Sofia,” Rose said, spying them. “We have all become great friends, having one interest in common.”

Humfrey looked somewhat befuddled. Perhaps he had reason.

All the women were beyond youth, but none was unattractive. There was a circle of greetings. Then the Gorgon asked the obvious question: “How is it that you are here with the wives, MareAnn?”

“Because I always did love Humfrey,” MareAnn said simply. “I would have married him, had I not feared it would cost me my innocence. Now, in Hell, I have had much of my innocence taken from me, so there is no further barrier between us except that of death. I would be happy to marry him now.”

“So which wife are you going to take?” Jot inquired smugly.

“Or will you marry MareAnn and take her?” Tittle asked.

So it was to be a choice among six. No wonder the Demon had decided to compromise; he had of course known that this was coming. Demons of any kind had little care for the affairs of man, but great interest in complications. This was a rare complication! Lacuna did not see how Humfrey was going to find his way out of this one.

“Let's consult,” the Gorgon said in a businesslike manner. “Since I'm the one who is making it possible, I think I should have some say in the decision.”

“Yes, maybe you will change your mind,” Jot said.

“Maybe you won't let any of them out,” Tittle added.

So that Humfrey, having made his compromise, would be denied the benefit of it, Lacuna realized. The Demon X(A/N)th must have seen to it that all of them appeared here, including Dana Demoness. What a great joke, for the demons!

Jot gestured, and a round table appeared with ten chairs. Tittle gestured, and ten place settings appeared. Then Rose fetched a decanter of rose wine and a key lime pie with rose petals decorating each piece; evidently the petals made the pie good despite its origin in Hell. The wine turned out to have rose petals floating in it too.

When they were all served, the discussion began. Jot and Tittle gobbled their pie slices and gulped their wine as if it were milk, in exactly the manner of children. The others sampled theirs more cautiously. Lacuna found both the wine and pie to be very good; Rose evidently had a talent for preparing such things. Probably this was a trait shared by all his wives and girlfriend.

“All five of you wish to share moments of Humfrey's life?” the Gorgon inquired. She was eating especially carefully, lifting her veil aside without uncovering her eyes.

The others nodded. “Perhaps we wish also to experience life again,” Rose said. She glanced at Dana Demoness. “Or to simulate it.” She glanced at MareAnn. “Or to indulge in a manner not possible before.”

“But I can take only one,” Humfrey protested. “And the only one I want is—”

“Is it?” MareAnn inquired.

That evidently set him back. Lacuna knew from his life history that he had loved only three times: MareAnn, Rose, and the Gorgon. The other three had been essentially business relationships, however well they had fulfilled them.

“I have discovered things of interest in the dream realm,” the Gorgon said. “I have no objection to spending more time in it. Suppose we give each wife or love a month, in turn, before I take my turn? In six months the cycle would be complete, and we could start again.”

The women exchanged fifteen glances. Lacuna thought that there should be twenty-five glances as each woman met the eyes of the five others, but some magic made fifteen enough.

“Hey, don't I have any say in the matter?” Humfrey inquired grumpily.

“Of course not,” the Gorgon said, and the others nodded agreement. “It took you ten years to get this far; do you think we want to wait another ten for you to figure it out?”

“What, no big fight?” Jot asked, disappointed.

“No screeching and hair pulling?” Tittle added.

“This may be Hell,” the Gorgon said, “but we aren't hellions. So it seems we are agreed. What should be the order of visitation to Xanth?”

“Alphabetic,” Dana said. That would put her first.

“Age at death,” Sofia said. That would put her first, because three had not died and so couldn't compete, and the other two had evidently died younger. “That's when our assets were frozen, as it were.”

“Chronologic,” MareAnn said. That put her first.

The others considered. They nodded. Chronologic did seem to make sense.

“So it seems we are agreed,” the Gorgon said. “MareAnn will go first. Now if you will excuse me, I have a curtain call by prior appointment.” She glanced at the twins. “You are honoring the deal, I presume.”

Jot grimaced. “I have to.”

Tittle scowled. “More's the pity.”