Question Quest (32 page)

Then, ten years after the start of my vigil, you arrived, Lacuna. You brought me news I had overlooked, which complicates my situation: Xanth law no longer allows a man to have two wives. I have mentioned that complication here as a result of your information. But perhaps that plays into my hands.

Now I shall proceed to tell my future history, if the Demon does not come. So put a dash on the end of this sentence, Lacuna, and we shall start the next chapter, which we shall title—

Lacuna looked at the wall, where the final words remained printed: “And we shall start the next chapter, which we shall title—” followed by “ 'Chapter 17: Bargain.' ” Then she looked inquiringly at the Good Magician.

“Keep writing,” he told her. “But make it third person. You're in it too, now, but it would be confusing to have the T switch from me to you.”

“But your story is finished,” she protested. “I mean it's all caught up to the present.”

“And going on into the future, exactly as I said it would. So the Demon will have to come or lose by forfeit.”

“Of course,” she agreed with such doubt that it sounded like a denial. But she kept the print printing on the wall. Already the last words of the prior chapter were disappearing into the ceiling. But they could be recovered at any time; all she had to do was reverse the scroll, scroll.

Oops! In her distraction she had reversed the scroll, and the bottom line had moved down to bump the floor, where it had bounced and duplicated itself. She rereversed the scroll, but it was too late to erase the repeat line; it was stuck as a flaw in the text.

Meanwhile, the Hell-bent handbasket swung into the anteroom, and two children scrambled out. They appeared to be twins, about six years old, a boy and a girl.

“Don't let go of the basket!” Lacuna cried. But she was too late. They landed on the floor, and the hand-basket swung away. Now the children, too, were stranded here.

They looked at the adults, turning shy. “Hi, folks,” the little boy said. He wore blue shorts and an off-white jacket and socks.

“Who're you?” the girl inquired. She wore a pink dress and off-white hair ribbon and socks.

Humfrey shrugged, so Lacuna had to do the introduction. “This is the Good Magician Humfrey, and I am Lacuna. Who are you?”

“I'm Jot,” the boy said.

“I'm Tittle,” the girl said.

“We're twins,” Jot added.

“We're going to Hell,” Tittle added.

Then they both ran to the door to Hell, keeping in step with each other. They stopped before it, side by side, and pounded on the door. “Let me in!” they cried together.

WAIT FOR THE DEMON X(A/N)th the sign on the door printed. It looked like Lacuna's print, but was more authoritative.

“Oh, pooh!” Jot exclaimed, disgusted.

“Oooo, what you said!” Tittle reproved him.

“I didn't say 'poop,’ I said 'pooh,' dummy!” he snapped.

“Well, you shouldn't have!”

Jot tried the doorknob, but it turned in his hand without effect. Tittle tried it next, with no better effect.

Frustrated, they turned to the adults. “Hey, when's the Demon coming?” Jot asked.

“Yeah, when?” Tittle echoed.

“I don't know,” Lacuna said. “The Good Magician's been waiting for him for ten years. But we think he will arrive soon.”

“Well, we can't wait,” Jot said.

“We're too little to wait,” Tittle agreed.

They walked in step away from the door.

“Stay,” Humfrey said suddenly.

Lacuna and the children were startled. “Surely you don't want to keep them here!” Lacuna said. "They should get on home to their mother.”

“I came here to talk to you,” Humfrey said firmly to the children. “And now I shall, Demon X(A/N)th. You can not depart until you have settled with me.”

The two children looked resigned. “You have named me,” Jot said.

“What gave me away?” Tittle asked.

“Two things. First, I knew that you had to appear very soon, if you were going to, so any arrival was suspect. Second, you used a term only a member of the Adult Conspiracy can use. You said the word 'Hell.' ”

“But this is Hell,” Jot protested.

“Its waiting room, anyway,” Tittle added.

“That doesn't matter. Only an adult can use the term. Therefore it was obvious that you were not a child, or children. Not of our culture, anyway, and since you are speaking the human language, you must be pretending to be human.”

“I shall be more careful, next time,” Jot said.

“Well, out with it,” Tittle added. “What do you want?”

“I want to free my wife from Hell,” Humfrey said. “The woman I love. She does not belong there and must be released.”

“You have a wife who is not in Hell,” Jot pointed out.

“And you can only have one wife,” Tittle reminded him.

“I shall have to choose between them,” Humfrey said. “If Prince Dolph was able to choose between his two loves, I can do the same. But first things first: release my wife.”

“I have to listen to your plea,” Jot stated.

“But I don't have to do your bidding,” Tittle finished.

“But you do have to deal with me,” Humfrey said. “You have to satisfy me that you have given my plea fair consideration.”

“Why do I have to do that?” Jot asked.

“Yes, who says I have to?” Tittle added.

“You said it,” Humfrey said. “You laid down the rules of your game, and this is a footnote to those rules.”

Jot sighed. “I said too much.”

“You've done your homework,” Tittle said.

“Well, I am the Magician of Information, and I have had some intercourse with demons. I have a notion of their nature.”

“You can't say a word like that to a child!” Jot cried.

“You have violated the Adult Conspiracy!” Tittle added.

Lacuna kept her mouth shut, but found that she was rather enjoying this dialogue. She knew that the business at hand was deadly serious, but the children were little darlings, even if they weren't what they seemed.

“There are no children here,” Humfrey reminded them. “Only facsimiles. Anyway, that demoness was my wife.”

The twins considered. “I will make you a deal,” Jot said.

“Yes, a fair deal,” Tittle said.

“But if it is not fair, I don't have to make it,” Humfrey said sternly.

“I will complete your Question Quest,” Jot said.

“I will ask you the one Question you can't answer,” Tittle added.

“There is no honest Question I can't answer.”

“If you answer it correctly, you will win,” Jot said.

“And if you don't, you will lose,” Tittle said.

“But it must be a fair Question," Humfrey said.

“It's an easy Question,” Jot said.

“Anybody could answer it,” Tittle agreed.

Lacuna knew that it would be nothing of the sort; Humfrey had explained that at the beginning. How did he plan to handle it?

“Let me be the judge of that,” Humfrey said. “Tell me what the Question will be, should I choose to answer it.”

Lacuna knew that trick wouldn't work. The Demon would require him to agree to answer it before he gave the actual Question. But she was surprised.

Jot said, “It will be this—”

“What is the color of Mela Merwoman's panties?” Tittle asked.

“Objection,” Humfrey said. "If you ask me that one, I will be unable to answer it because she doesn't wear any panties. So that is a Question with no Answer, and therefore unfair.”

“But she will wear panties,” Jot argued.

“When she makes legs to walk on Xanth,” Tittle continued.

“Why would she ever walk on land?” Humfrey demanded. “She prefers to swim in water.”

“In search of a husband,” Jot said.

“In the next volume of the History of Xanth,” Tittle finished.

Humfrey nodded, as if persuaded. “So you will ask me to name the color, when she does don them.”

“Yes,” Jot said.

“When,” Tittle agreed.

“And the correctness of my Answer will determine whether my wife is released from Hell.”

“Right.”

“True.”

Lacuna knew that Humfrey knew that the Demon would see that Mela chose panties of a different color than Humfrey predicted. So how could he possibly win?

“That seems fair,” Humfrey said after a bit. “But it would be tedious to have to wait for her before recovering my wife. It will be a year before she walks on land.”

What was he doing? How could he agree to the fairness of a manifestly unfair Question?

“You will just have to wait,” Jot said.

“Not that it makes any difference,” Tittle added.

Humfrey arched a wrinkled eyebrow. “I was not speaking only of me. I was speaking of you. It will be tedious for you to have to keep this matter in your mind for that year, when it would be preferable to dispose of it immediately.”

“I have demonic patience,” Jot said.

“I can wait forever,” Tittle agreed.

“Unless there is a shift in the fortunes of your game, and you are called away from Xanth in the interim,” Humfrey said. “Then you would not be able to attend the panting.”

Lacuna was perplexed, then realized that he meant the donning of the merwoman's panties. Which meant the Demon could not dictate their color, and Humfrey would win. Of course in that event the magic would be gone from Xanth, because of the absence of the Demon, changing everything. But the Demon still would have lost, which would probably gripe him somewhat.

“You have a point,” Jot said.

“But only one point,” Tittle said.

“I should think you would prefer to avoid both the inconvenience of keeping the matter in mind and the chance of missing the event,” Humfrey said. “Considering that there is an easy way to accomplish that avoidance.”

“What?” Jot said, caught by surprise.

“How?” Tittle asked.

“By plea-bargaining,” Humfrey said. "It is obvious that if I answer the Question, we shall both have to wait a year before verifying its validity, to mutual inconvenience and annoyance, despite knowing the outcome.

But if we compromise now, we can each get part of our desire without further nuisance. We can skip the Question and Answer.”

“You are beginning to make sense,” Jot said.

“For a human being,” Tittle amended.

He was? Lacuna could not quite see how. But she was neither a Magician nor a Demon.

“Let me reside in Hell for a month,” Humfrey said. “Then let Rose out for a month. The average attendance will be the same. Naturally I would rather have Rose out without penalty, and you would rather keep her in, but this may be a feasible alternative.”

“No, you're too smart to live in Hell,” Jot said.

“You would get the denizens all worked up,” Tittle agreed.

“But who else would be willing to fill in, in Hell?” Humfrey asked. “It has to be me.”

"There is another.”

“Yes, another.”

“Who?”

“The Gorgon,” Jot said.

“Your other wife,” Tittle clarified.

“But I wouldn't ask her to do such a thing!” Humfrey protested.

“But I would,” Jot said.

“Yes, I would,” Tittle agreed.

The two of them gestured with their four little hands. Suddenly the Gorgon stood in the chamber, regal in a black dress and veil. “Humfrey!” she exclaimed. “Are you finished here yet?”

“I am plea-bargaining with the Demon X(A/N)th,” he said, “to mitigate the sentence on Rose. I have offered to spend time in Hell equivalent to the time she is released from Hell, but—”

The Gorgon's veiled eyes narrowed. “So you can spend time with her both in and out of Hell?” she asked. “Neither of you much noticing where you are?”

“Yes, that's it,” Jot said.

“He's a cunning one,” Tittle said.

The Gorgon's veiled gaze focused on them. “Children?”

“They are the present form of the Demon,” Lacuna explained.

The Gorgon refocused on Humfrey. “Well, I'll have none of this. I'll visit Hell instead.”

Humfrey looked surprised, but Lacuna was catching on to his ways. He had anticipated this, too, and was maneuvering both the Gorgon and the Demon into agreement with his compromise. “I would not ask you to—”

The Gorgon looked at the children. "If I resided in Hell, would I be allowed to pursue my career in dream pictures?''

“If the Night Stallion asked for you,” Jot said.

“Hell is a bad dream, after all,” Tittle agreed.

“But—” Humfrey said.

“Then I'll do it,” the Gorgon said.

“I agree,” Jot said.

“She can sub for you,” Tittle agreed.

Humfrey looked amazed. “If that is the way you feel-”

“I will make the bargain,” Jot said firmly.

“The Gorgon can sub for your wife in Hell,” Tittle added, nailing it down.

“Then I am constrained to agree,” Humfrey said, spreading his hands as if outflanked.

Lacuna saw that Humfrey's plan had worked. He had avoided the rigged contest and obtained the release of Rose half time, without running afoul of the problem of having two live wives in Xanth at the same time. He had outsmarted the all-powerful Demon.

Jot turned toward her. “I wouldn't say that,” he said.

Tittle also turned toward her. “I would say he just makes sense,” she said.

Lacuna was aghast. The Demon knew what was in their minds! So Humfrey had not prevailed by trickery but by offering the Demon a good compromise.

Jot extended his hand, and a rolled scroll appeared in it. “Here is the Agreement,” he said.

Tittle extended her hand, and a huge feathered quill appeared in it. “Sign it,” she said.

Jot unrolled the scroll and held it against the wall, covering part of Lacuna's ongoing printed narrative. Tittle gave Humfrey the feather.

Lacuna peered over Humfrey's shoulder to read the scroll. It said, in script more elaborate than she could render:

It is hereby Agreed that Good Magician Humfrey shall be allowed to exchange one wife for another in Hell, et cetera and so forth,

There was a decorative line below, separating the text from the space for signature. Humfrey squinted at it through his spectacles, then shrugged and signed.

Then Jot took the quill and signed: Demon

Tittle took it and signed X(A/N)th. Then she handed the quill to Lacuna.

“But I'm not part of this!” Lacuna protested.

“You have to witness it,” the Gorgon explained. “I can't; I'm a relative.”

Oh. Lacuna brought the quill to the paper. But something nagged her. “I'm not sure that—”

“Sign it,” Humfrey said shortly.

So, doubtfully, Lacuna signed it too.

“Well, that's that,” Jot said.

“Yes, that's that,” Tittle agreed.

“So let's get on with the exchange,” Humfrey said.

“What exchange?” Jot asked.