Picks & Pucks (3 page)

“Seriously? That was almost a year ago.” Eli sounded surprised.

The truth was, Jack hadn’t talked to me since our mom’s funeral. Two months later, I quit hockey and he came home and freaked out on me, telling me I was a waste of space. How could I deny the gift I had? He would give anything to have the hockey sense and skill I had been granted. I tried to tell him the same thing I told my dad, but they were cut from the same mold. Neither believed figure skating was worth anything. We drifted further apart.

To make matters worse, Jack had come home for a few days before I headed out to compete at my first Junior Nationals. I had no idea he was coming home. I guess he got special permission from his hockey coach to take a few days off as long as he worked out the days he was absent.

Jack had showed up at the arena where I was training, unannounced. The stupid shit walked into the changing room without knocking first. He got an eyeful. Danny Jackson had me pinned to the wall with his tongue down my throat as he cupped my crotch. Jack stared at us and in a very low, judgmental voice, uttered a sentence I will never forget.

“No wonder you quit playing hockey.”

He shook his head and slammed the door. Danny had remained pressed against me with his face buried in my neck, asking me over and over if Jack had recognized him.

Everything in my life went to hell, and two weeks later, I decided to go train in California.

Nothing with Jack had ever been easy. He’d always hated me for my hockey skills. He had to spend hours on the ice, working on his shot and his skating. With me, it all came naturally. The skates and stick seemed to be an extension of my body. But I was used to Jack’s anger over hockey. This was something new and it shook me to the core of my soul. Did Jack hate me more because I was gay?

Eli nudged me, and the memory fell away. “It’s better for both of us to be on different continents. He doesn’t exactly approve of any of my choices.”

“I thought he’d get over it. We’re older now, and he’s still your brother. Mine actually calls me every week. It’s kind of cool.”

“Wow,” I said, because it was a wow. Eli’s brother was as straitlaced as they came. He was the kid who finished high school with top-notch grades, the kid who enrolled in college and sailed through it, completing everything in four years. Right after college he got a great job, found the perfect girl, and got married. The last I’d heard, Connor’s lovely wife was expecting a child, and he was quickly moving up the corporate ladder.

Connor was every parent’s dream child, which made Eli look like he had stepped out of a night terror.

“At least my sister still talks to me,” I said, shrugging.

Eli stood up and grabbed my bag. “Let’s go inside. I’m sure Danny will leave us alone.”

I tried to groan, but it actually sounded like a whine. “I thought we were going to your place.”

“My roommates are probably home, and there’s nothing to eat there. Janae always keeps food in the house.”

“And how do you know this?” I asked.

“Er, she knew you were coming home to train, so there’s going to be food,” he said and looked up at the sky. “It’s already getting cold.”

Eli was being a little weirder than usual, but I was tired and freaked out about this big change, so I decided to cut him some slack and ignore his strange comments. And Janae probably did have food. She liked to cook, and since she seemed to be running a home for wayward guys, I was positive she’d have something in the cupboards.

“Fine,” I mumbled. “Maybe it would be better if you were with me. You can stop me from killing Danny if he says anything stupid to me.”

“Forget about him,” he said. “I’ll protect you from the big bad hockey player.” He ruffled my hair and went into the house. I took a deep breath, knocked a few demons out of my way, and walked through the front door.

I was hopeful the demons wouldn’t be in Janae’s house. They didn’t have any reason to invade her space. They were my demons, not hers. Unfortunately, the little fuckers followed me inside, staying far enough away to not send me into a full panic attack, but close enough to aggravate the shit out of me.

The house was comfortable, inviting. The walls were colorful and bright, filled with pictures that gave it a lived-in feeling. It screamed happy and well-adjusted. I probably deserved to live in a cave. The thought made me shudder. I headed into the kitchen, where I found Eli talking with Danny about some mutual class. What the fuck? The demons fell over each other, laughing and confirming that Danny and Eli were actually friends.

“Your room is upstairs, second door on the right,” Danny said, glancing at me.

“Come on,” I said to Eli, tugging at his sleeve. “Let’s get something to drink and go to my room.”

Danny tossed Eli a bag of chips and grinned at him. I wanted to rip that fucking smile off his face.

“So, are you and Danny friends or something?” I asked.

“We have a class together,” Eli said, jumping on my bed and tearing open his bag of chips.

I hovered in the doorway, forgetting about Danny for a few seconds. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to enter the room. Going inside made everything more real. My suitcases were already next to my bed, which meant Danny had brought them up there. My dad or sister must be paying the guy.

“Shit,” I said as I concentrated on putting one foot into my new room. Eli stood, grabbed my arm, and pulled me over to my bed.

“It’s going to be okay, Justin,” he said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he answered firmly. He looked so positive that I wanted to believe him, but I was scared shitless. He kept talking, telling me all the cool things we’d be able to do now I was back in town. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d probably be on the ice most of the time.

My sister yelling my name interrupted his pep talk.

“We’re upstairs,” Eli shouted. “Grab me something to eat before you come upstairs.”

“Really?” I stared at the empty chip bag at his feet.

“What?” Eli asked. “I’m hungry.”

Eli was always starving. I had no idea how he stayed so thin. If I looked at a greasy burger, I’d gain a pound, and Marina would be shouting at me about my fitness and making me do an extra thirty minutes on the bike.

The second I retired from skating, I was going to eat every piece of candy and all the french fries I could get my hands on, but until then, I had to watch my diet.

We heard Janae say something to Danny, making them both laugh. She thundered up the stairs and appeared in my doorway. “Hi,” she said, tossing another bag of chips in Eli’s face. He tore it open and started munching.

“Hi,” I said.

“You look tired,” she said, circling me like I was on display. “But fit.”

“Oh my God, Janae, knock it off,” I said.

“Hey, I’m in charge of you until Marina gets into town.”

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. “I know why I’m here. I don’t require a babysitter.”

She sat on the floor, brushing her long brown hair away from her face as she talked about her skating students. She asked me questions about my training while Eli happily worked his way through another bag of chips.

All conversation and chewing ceased when we heard the doorbell ring, followed by the front door opening.

“Janae? Danny?” my dad shouted. Naturally, he didn’t include me. Maybe he did forget I was coming today.

“Tell him I changed my mind and I’m going back to California,” I said as I grabbed the handle of my suitcase.

“Give him a chance, Justin,” Janae pleaded.

“Does he even know I’m here?” I snapped.

“Justin,” she said sternly.

“Why should I stay?”

“Because Mom would want it,” she said softly.

I scowled at her because playing the mom card was unfair. The demons perked up, listening closely for my reply. Those stupid demons probably wanted me to run back to California and leave everything as it was, so they could keep taunting and tormenting me.

“Fine,” I grumbled. “I won’t leave, but I’m not going out of my way to talk to him.” I scowled. “And why didn’t anyone tell me I’d be sharing the house with a fucking hockey player?”

Janae rolled her eyes. “I had no clue you would get so upset about him staying here. It’s only temporary, and I thought he’d be gone by the time you got here. Housing is short on campus, and he gave up his room at the end of school last year when he thought he was signing with the pros. He couldn’t stay with Dad because of NCAA restrictions, so Dad asked if I could rent him a room until something opens on campus.”

“I’ll give the little prick money for an apartment.”

“He’s paying to live here,” Janae said. “What is your problem with him? He’s a nice guy.”

“He’s a hockey player,” I shot back.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Janae said, frowning.

I waved her off and glanced at Eli. He was busy fluffing the pillows on my bed and smoothing out the wrinkles on my comforter. “Thanks for all your help.”

“Don’t yell at me. I have no idea why you don’t like hockey players,” Eli said.

A knock sounded at my door, and suddenly, my dad’s wide shoulders filled the doorway. “Can I come in?”

“Ask her?” I mumbled, pointing at Janae.

Janae kicked my foot and gave me an evil look.

“Hi, Dad,” she said cheerfully.

I forced out a tight smile and looked him over. His once dark brown hair was now sprinkled with gray and the lines on his face were etched a little deeper. I was sure some gray came from the pressure of being a Division I coach at a hockey school that expected you to win every year. And maybe some gray hairs came from having a figure skating gay son.

He showed no signs of the middle-age spread so many men seemed to sport when they hit their fifties. Even though he was wearing a suit, I could tell he still worked out. He’d always been proud of maintaining his fitness.

“Hello, Eli. You been too busy to stop by?”

“Hi, Coach. Just getting settled with the new classes,” Eli answered. “How’s the team shaping up for the new season?”

I gaped at Eli. He never made small talk with my father. In fact, I’d never seen them even say hello to each other.

“On paper everything looks great. I’ve got a transfer student showing up in a few weeks who will light up the lamp this year. You should stop by the rink and check the team out.”

“Awesome,” Eli said. “Well, I should get going.”

“Hey, are you coming back for dinner?” Janae asked.

“Wish I could stay for dinner. I’m tired of eating sandwiches and takeout,” Dad told Janae.

“I know,” Janae said. “Once the season starts, things can get back to normal.”

“I’ll see you at six,” Eli replied to Janae. He turned to my dad. “How come you can’t be here?”

“Because there’s a hockey player living here,” I grumbled.

Janae rolled her eyes. “See you later, Eli. I’ll bring leftovers for you, Dad.”

“Appreciate it,” my dad said, smiling at my sister.

“I really have to go,” Eli said. He hugged me and skipped out of the room, leaving me totally confused. My dad followed him, and I heard them talking in the hall.

“They both eat here a lot,” Janae whispered. “We started doing it last year. Eli’s roommates like to party, and he needs a quiet place to study. It’s been hard on him since his parents moved to Arizona. He won’t talk about it, but they had a major falling-out.”

“So he comes here?” My voice squeaked. I felt like I’d stepped into an alternate universe. I half expected my brother to show up and ask me to hang out with him and share a beer or some other weird shit. “No one tells me anything.”

My dad cleared his throat and asked if he could come back inside. “You look exhausted, Justin,” he said. “I have a meeting tonight, but I’ll pick you up in the morning and give you a tour of the rink. Maybe we can have lunch or something too.”

“I don’t really need a tour,” I said.

“Things have changed a little since you last skated here,” my dad said.

He approached me and gave me a stiff hug. I was too stunned to move. He hadn’t hugged me since I was in fifth grade, and that was after I got smashed into the boards during a hockey game. I’d bit my lip and the blood had gushed out, turning the ice bright red. All I could think about was my dad telling me over and over that real hockey players didn’t cry. I’d taken a deep breath and stumbled to the bench, where I asked for a towel. I was back on the ice for my next shift. After the game, my dad had squeezed me so hard I could barely breathe, telling me over and over how proud he was of me.

“It’s good to have you home,” he said, patting my back. He released me, let out a huge breath of air, and walked out of my room.

“What is going on? Have you all lost your minds?” I asked as I collapsed on my bed. “Eli hangs out here because he had a fight with his parents and needs a quiet place to study. Dad just gave me a hug and doesn’t say one word about my hair or my earring or anything. Lunch, Janae, he wants to have lunch with me. And you’re telling me this is normal? What the fuck?” I sounded a bit hysterical.

“I told you, Justin, we’re all trying,” she said. “I’m tired of being angry at the world. It’s not going to bring Mom back.” She sighed. “I have to start dinner before Eli comes back and whines that he’s starving. I love him dearly, but when the boy is hungry, he’s a big baby.”

She shrugged and left me with my mouth hanging wide open. I couldn’t even process the events that had just transpired. I stared at the ceiling, thinking about taking a shower, but that involved moving. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but my demons stationed themselves around the room and tried to get me to remember more shit from my past.

Hiding under my blankets didn’t help. I could hear the demons talking in quiet voices. Eventually, I gave up and decided to go for a run to fully exhaust myself. I snuck downstairs and slipped out of the house.

Although only the beginning of September, already the air had a chill to it that hinted of things to come. The trees in the backyard were dropping their leaves, filling the yard with splashes of red and orange. I shivered and tried not to remember the days when the temperature registered below zero and each breath hung in the air.