No Time to Cry (Nine While Nine Legacy Book 1) (23 page)

His gaze was fixed on me, intensely.

“And crows, they seem to talk a lot
during that time.” I glanced at the door, the two crows etched there. I
couldn’t tell him about that yet. Any of that. Maybe tomorrow.

“My turn.” Gideon took over, pulling my
eyes from the window with his voice. “Favorite time of year?”

“Easy,” I laughed. “Fall. Well…wait.
Maybe winter. That’s hard. I love them both. Um…” I pondered, tapping my bottom
lip with my fingertip while I did. I noticed his gaze drop to my lips. His eyes
darkened, but not as they did in anger. I liked
this
darkness, it was
tinged with heat. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. “Fall.” I nodded,
affirming my choice to myself. Willing my heart to stop trotting quite so
frantically in my chest. “I love all the colors, the smell of the air, the
feel
of the air, that crispness. I can always feel it coming…clear back into
August. I can see the shift in light. The air changes, the smell carried on
it…ever so subtly. And Halloween! Who doesn’t just love Halloween?” I beam at
him. “Yours?”

“Winter…Snow…A fire in the hearth…heavy
blankets…”

It seemed like he was planning to say
more, he had that look on his face…like trying to find words or decide on them,
but he added nothing. An image flashed through my mind of being locked away in
a lovely Irish cottage with him, wintering with him, nestled closely under a
blanket, the fire crackling…a soft bed…

“What sound do you love?” He broke into
that beguiling vision.

“Autumn leaves crunching under my boots.
You?” I asked, ever-so-slightly breathless from the sight left floating in my
head like a ghost.

“Snow falling. When everything has gone
utterly silent and still, except for the sound of the snow touching the
ground.”

I grinned. It was one of my favorite
sounds.

“What’s the best part of waking up in
the morning?” He asked.

“Wow, we’re going really random here…” I
laughed. “Going back to sleep. No. I’m kidding.”
Finding you in my bedroom.
Of course I didn’t say
that
out loud, instead I said, “Coffee. The smell
of coffee already brewing. You?”

“Coffee.” He chuckled. “Favorite indoor
and outdoor activity?”

“Indoor, reading, and particularly next
to a fire. Outdoor…walking in the woods.” I gestured for him to take his turn,
as I drank.

Were we actually getting along this
well, dare I say, being friends? I was feeling a little tipsy from the
Guinness, and from being this way with him.

“Indoor would be…” he paused. His lips
crooked up at one corner, in a slightly wicked manner, half of a wolf grin.
That same dark look traveled through his eyes again, slightly stormy in a very
sexy way. A dark heat, like a summer thunder storm. I felt myself blush. I felt
a need to fan myself, but didn’t want to draw attention to the fact I was
feeling that need. What
was
his favorite indoor activity? Really? He was
so
male, carnally male looking at the moment as he mused over the
question. Did I really need to wonder?

I took another much needed slug of my
not-nearly-cold-enough Guinness.

“…reading,” he continued, lifting an
eyebrow, “in bed…before falling asleep.”

Was he really referring to reading? The
way he said it, the way his voice rolled out of him, like a tiger’s purr made
me wonder. Was it innuendo?

“Outdoor…exploring new places,” he
finished.

“First kiss, how old were you?” I
couldn’t help asking the question…my brain was stuck on that track now.

“I was eleven. And she was an adorable
ginger that lived up the road. I’d had my eye on her since I was nine.”

“Patient.”

“Very.” He looked at me meaningfully. I
glanced down at my dish, fiddled with my fork.

“I was thirteen. I’d had a crush on him
for over a year. And one day he picked me to hang out with, finally. I went to
his baseball game, then to a small after-game party at his house. I was on top
of the world. It was my first
real
kiss, and he was so sweet,
it
was the sweetest thing.” I lost myself in the memory of David. “But then the
next day I found out he’d only asked me out to make his girlfriend jealous…they
got back together that very next afternoon.” I sighed. “Bittersweet.”

“As most first kisses are.”

“Oh no. Not all. Most aren’t. They’re
amazing, breath thieving, butterfly inducing wonders. I used to have a friend
that collected first kisses.” I smiled. “She said it was because they were the
best ones. I always envied her, that freedom she possessed, never feeling the
need to have more than that. To be able to just have the first one and move on.
There’s never anything quite like that first kiss, that…dizzying feeling…of
losing your breath, of spinning out of control, the anticipation, and then
finally being there…that moment of discovery and satisfaction. Heart
pounding…the chills…the fire…”

“Someday you’re going to meet the right
man—that one man— and every kiss will be the first kiss, a new kiss, the first
touch.”

My mouth went dry, my skin fevered at
his words, and the look in his eyes as they dipped to my mouth.

“One day that man will
kiss
you, and you’ll find that when you are
without
him, is when you can’t breathe at all.

We
continued our little game of Q & A on the walk home to my place.

Always the chivalrous one, he’d insisted
that I not walk alone, even though it was just up the block and around the
corner a short way.

It turned into a quiet walk after a
couple of blocks, a comfortable silence settled between us. Being alone with
him in the dark, under the trees and the moon, with the fall breeze whisking
around us, I found myself wanting to brush my hand against his in hopes he’d
take hold of it.

Ah crap…I was getting besotted. This
couldn’t happen. This was Gideon…even if Uldwynah had said…

He only walked me as far as my garden
gate. For just a split second I dared to dream he’d kiss me good night, instead
he opened the gate and pushed me gently through.

“Sweet dreams, Draghail.”

“When are you going to stop calling me
that?”

“When you no longer are that.”

“Right.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 
~
Chapter Twenty-One ~

But I didn’t.

Instead, when I
passed through my living room, on the way to retrieve a ginormous cup of coffee
to cut through the morning haze, I found a note from Liam stuffed under my
front door.

There wasn’t
much to it, just that we were to meet at Ye Old Curio Cupboard, a shop down at
the waterfront, in the morning. No, ‘hey, are you okay’, or ‘where did you go’,
or ‘I’m sorry I’m such a jackass.’

 I was so
glad I’d made a friend yesterday...and had a nice dinner and face time with
Gideon.

It took some of
the sting from Liam’s coolly toned note.

I met him at the appointed time and place. Michael was
with him again. I was happy about that. I’d done my cull perfectly. With
refined coolness and detachment. With expediency and proficiency. So why the
watch dog again today? Because of Liam. Because Liam just had to stir stuff up
yesterday. It was obviously to keep us in line.

But I had to wonder, again, on a deeper level, if it
was to keep us from fighting or from kissing. I didn’t want to ask. Did it
really matter anymore?

Now I had a new
friend to confide in, and a new book in the works in which I could dump all of
my unresolved feelings.

I’d signed up
for an e-publishing account last night and had started working on the book
before heading to bed. I’d only intended to work for an hour, but once I got to
writing again, I’d found that flow, that groove, that made it so difficult to
stop. I’d written three chapters and proofed them to flawlessness. The words
had flown from my head and through my fingers as I’d typed.

I wished I was
home writing now, instead of at a somewhat seedy bar at 11:00 am.

Liam had taken
care of the first cull, at the Curio shop. Nice tactic to keep an eye on me for
longer. Make me sit through the first cull. Nicklaus had met us there. I still
had refused to watch the death and left the shop to wait outside. Neither Liam
nor Michael had seemed to mind.

I’d overheard
that my cull was to choke on an olive. Seriously.

My cull went very well. It went beyond very well
actually. In fact, somewhere off faintly behind me, I heard Liam utter the
words, ‘beyond perfection’ in a tone that may have suggested a trace of
respect. 

It’s like I hit
a zone and something was suddenly different, even more than the previous day,
and that
something
that I’d been feeling…that energy, that coolness,
that warmth, that
whatever
was suddenly snapping fully into place. It
started sparking and igniting inside me and as it swirled and grew around my
heart and spread to the tips of my fingers and toes, I no longer felt jaded and
resentful. Not about having to cull, and not even about my death.

It all dissolved.

I could feel it
pulling outward, releasing, from the center of me—from my mhésen? And moving
out, spreading from me again like that night at the club, but its purpose
though similar, was for a another intention at this moment. I wanted to be cold
and detached, removed. It had worked so well yesterday. But I couldn’t. It was
a startling sensation, but it felt…right.

When I
approached my cull I seemed to connect with her, she seemed almost mesmerized.
It was gentle and… serene. That warm, glowing that emanated from me—was
me—those brilliant wisps touched her, held her. No words were spoken, there was
no need. No physical touch was made; there was no need for that either. And I
knew, that mysterious
knowing
—that now seemed to fill up so much of my
mind—that seemed to take hold of me so frequently now,
knew
that this
was distinctive, unique. This was how it should be. This was how it would be
now.

Her mhésen left
its skin, with the same air rippling effect as yesterday’s, and was smiling. She
didn’t even look back at her body in sadness. I assured her, that mysterious
stuff that was now an intricate part of me assured her, that all was well, all
would be beyond her wildest imaginings of well. I
knew
it would be. It
was like I was privy to some wonderfully amazing secret, but I didn’t
know
what
it was, not consciously. But I could feel it. I had to tell Gideon about this.

~Tir Na
Óige
~

Should I tell
Gideon about this?

The woman smiled
and waved, as she went through the Ingress. She looked eager. Her eyes were
filled with excitement and awe.

As Liam and
Michael had stood there, speechless, mouths agape, I’d excused myself and told
them, “Until tomorrow guys.” And breezed out of that dingy bar, I had lunch
plans with Serena.

The remainder of the day had flown by quite happily.

I’d left
invigorated, charged. Serena had met me at a pub,
not
Na Sciath Snug,
where we’d fueled ourselves with a couple of ales and a plate of Carne Asada
nachos before heading to her shop up the street, for crazy girl-bonding stuff.
Madcap antics that included: commenting on every cute boy we passed on our walk
to Catastrophia, snacking on frozen yogurt as we walked, playing dress-up from
the new shipment that had arrived that morning, and dancing like fools all around
the shop after she flipped the closed sign—well…okay, some before, but
whatever—to Bow Wow
Wow
, Cheap Trick, Billy Idol, and
a bunch of other cool ‘80s hits. It had only been two days, but I felt like I’d
found a new best friend, one for this new life.

I considered just walking on by, passing him by,
pretending not to see him, but something in my heart just wouldn’t let me.
Sitting on one of the benches beneath a gas lamp in my courtyard, deep in
thought, was Liam.

I sat down
tentatively next him and waited for him to say something. He could start,
obviously he was here to say something and I was tired of skirting issues,
whether it was his disapproval of my culls or berating me for wanting him, it
was time to clear the air.

He sat in absolute
silence for a good five minutes, which dragged by at a snail’s pace, while I
listened to night birds chirping in the tree. I almost wondered if he was
breathing, his silence was so complete.

As my eyes
wandered across the courtyard I spotted a huge cat traipsing through the
garden. It stopped, sat down, and stared at me. It cocked it large head to the
side and seemed to be studying me. It was massive, not a fat cat, but just
immense in size…it was the cat from Na Sciath Snug.

“It’s time to
work this out. We need to talk about everything calmly.”

I’d missed his
voice,
this
voice, the deep gentle one, the one that had talked me
through the long drive here to Seattle. I started to say so, but he stopped me
from speaking.

“I’m sorry for
being such a tosser. I had no right to treat you that way. You didn’t deserve
it. It wasn’t fair to come down on you because Gideon had reprimanded me. It
was my fault you didn’t know Scaoileadh. I was so pissed off at him that…” he
trailed off and looked me over, then stood suddenly and paced a few steps away
from me, purposely putting distance between us.

“I can’t be with
you, and yet I have to stay near you?” He barked a spiteful laugh.

“No
fraternization huh?” I posed forlornly.

“No, it’s not
that…” he paused as if considering his next words. Looked intently at me,
measuring my state of mind perhaps? He took a few more steps away. “I dated
Halah for awhile. He didn’t have a problem with that at all. It’s you.”

He’d dated
Halah? Had she been on his couch? Had
she
made it to his bed? That made
me kind of angry. That was a new twist of the knife. Maybe with a sizable dose
of humiliation tossed in too. Halah? I’d come to a resolve over my feelings for
Liam, put them to rest, burying them down deep, but it didn’t mean that I
wanted to hear about him being with
her
.

 “Why? Why
her, but not me?” Halah was good enough for Liam, but I was not. What the hell?

“I don’t know…I
just don’t.” He shrugged. But I think he did know.

He doesn’t want
you to tell me.” That 
felt 
right. That it

was a decision
made by Gideon.

Liam eyed me
warily. “He won’t let me tell you.”

“Why the secrecy
Liam? Why shouldn’t I get to know why I can’t be with you? Would you tell me if
it was just a matter of you changing your mind?”

“I didn’t change
my mind,” he said huskily.

“Meaning what
then? That I’m not good enough? Is this entire thing about me being so
different?”

“What? Where did
you hear that?”

“I heard you two
talking.”

“When? Where?”

“Doesn’t matter.
Which is it Liam?”

“Neither actually.
Definitely not the first one…you’re more than good enough Iliana.” He searched
my face with his eyes; let them glide over me in that way he could do that made
me melt. So, it wasn’t his choice…I guess that was some sort of solace.

“But obviously Gideon
doesn’t think so.”

“No. No, it’s
not that at all.” His face clouded, his eyes grew as dark as the sky. He looked
away and I think he mumbled, “Far from it.”

“What…?” I began
to ask.

 “He’ll be
the one to tell you.”

“Just defy him
this once, help me out and tell me? Do I not deserve that much? I really liked
you Liam…I thought…” I shrugged, shaking my head sadly. “Those kisses
did
mean
something to me…even if they can’t anymore.”

He began moving
to me, stopped himself short, his hands at his sides, balled into fists. “I’ve
already told you more than I should. He’d rather you think I don’t want you…”
He shut himself down right on the verge of spilling something he wasn’t
supposed to. “I’ve known Gideon all my life Iliana, he’s like my brother. I
will not go against him. His reasons are valid and I will honor his wishes.”
His voice was resolute. End of discussion.

So what was it?
What was the reason? Because I was too much of an anomaly and a lingering
question to be solved? Perhaps because I wouldn’t be around long enough to risk
getting involved with? Could that be it? What else could I do or say?

I moved close to
him, ran my fingers over what had to be three days beard growth, he must be going
for a new look. It worked on him. He closed his eyes, flinching from my touch
so slightly, but then moved into it.

I spoke softly,
barely above a whisper, almost lost on the night’s breeze. “You break my heart,
looking at you breaks my heart. But I get it, he’s basically your brother and I
won’t do anything to get between that, to cause any damage. It’s just so
hard…being around you. I really don’t think we should work together, if we can
help it. It’s too difficult.” I had to pause to fight down the tears that were
threatening my speech. “I really think space would be a good thing to have, if
we really can’t…if we never can…” His eyes were still closed. I looked at his
lips, so perfectly shaped and wanted one last kiss. “And that’s okay. I do
understand. I’ll be fine. But I do need some time.” I held his face in my
palms. “Liam, please, can you look at me while I’m saying goodbye to you?” And
a tear did escape then.

He opened his
eyes and looked at me, searched my face and looked into my eyes. And then I
kissed him, one last time. Lightly, but lingering. Then I nodded and backed
away. I had to get inside before the rest of the tears began to spill.

He ran his hand
thorough his disheveled hair. There was nothing left to be said. He turned
away, started to walk, then turned back to me. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the
car, the couch, the club…I knew better. I knew and should have acted like it,
been responsible.” He shook his head sullenly. “This…” he spread his hands in
front of him, “this isn’t how I wanted it to be, this would not be my choice. I
think it’s important that you know that. It’s not what I wanted and it’s not
easy for me either.” He rubbed his hand across his jaw. “It just is what it
is…” and walked away.