Light Switch (17 page)

I went for the first button of his shirt. He didn’t protest or make any effort to stop me. Instead, he untucked his shirt and helped my trembling fingers with the buttons. Without breaking the kiss, we managed to get his shirt unbuttoned and over his shoulders. He put his arms around me and rolled me onto my back, alternately kissing my mouth and neck as his bare skin heated mine to a nearly feverish temperature.

And still it wasn’t enough.

I reached between us to unbuckle his belt. He raised his hips, granting my hands more access. When his belt and zipper were undone, we both pushed his jeans and boxers over his hips. Our bodies came together again, separated this time by nothing but breathtaking heat.

“Tell me what you want.” His voice thrummed against my lips.

“I want…” I lost my train of thought when he bent to kiss my neck.

“Tell me,” he whispered. “This isn’t a game. I’m not your Master.” He kissed just below my ear. “Tell me what you want, because I want to give it to you.”

I moaned, my back arching as his stubble brushed my neck. “I want you,” I finally murmured.

“Then that,” he said, pausing to kiss my mouth, “is what you will have.” He leaned away for a moment, and the rattle of the nightstand drawer made my breath catch. Lying on his back, he tore the wrapper and rolled on the condom.

Once it was in place, we came together once more, kissing and holding each other as he guided me onto my back. My hands trembled as they combed through his hair. He released slow, steady breaths against the side of my face, every exhalation underscoring his complete and total control. He was in control, so I was free to
lose
control.

“Why don’t you get on top?” His lips brushed mine. “The sheets might be too rough on your back right now.”

As one, we rolled over, and I straddled him. I raised my hips and he guided his cock to me. Then he eased me down, and we sighed against each other’s lips as he slipped into me. His hand gently grasped my hair, the other my hip, and he held me closer as I took him deeper. When he was all the way inside me, I stopped. Our mouths moved together, but for an eternity, our bodies were still.

His lips left mine and he gently pulled my head back so he could look up at me. “No matter what,” he said, “no matter how much I command you, or punish you, or push your limits…” He lifted his hips, urging me to rise as he went on. “No matter what, I never want you to be afraid of me.” He looked into my eyes as he guided me back down onto him. “And I will never,
never
hurt you.”

Just before I kissed him, I whispered, “I know.”

We went from unmoving to barely moving to a smooth, fluid rhythm, and the lingering echoes of my earlier panic faded with every gentle stroke. Verbally, he’d tried to soothe my nerves and my worries, but it was this tender, intimate sex that said everything words couldn’t: I’d done nothing wrong. He still wanted me. All was as it needed to be.

We’d never had sex before except when he was my Master. In spite of his assurances that this was no longer a game, I didn’t know if I was permitted to come, if he still demanded that control. Not that it mattered; with the way he moved inside me now, not coming was simply not an option.

I buried my face against his neck. “Oh God, Scott,” I murmured.

“Don’t hold back, baby.” He kissed me and caressed my face. “Let go. I want to feel you come.”

In the instant I surrendered, time slowed down. Each stroke was long and languid, what seemed like hours passing between each shuddering gasp and every thundering heartbeat.

And all the while, he whispered in my ear, “You feel amazing when you come, Kristen, absolutely fucking amazing.” Still steady, still in control, still moving just right to draw out the icy-hot ripples coursing through me like shockwaves in slow motion.

My orgasm peaked and fell, but his deep, fluid strokes kept it from subsiding completely.

Scott exhaled sharply, his breath cooling the side of my face. Something profane slipped off his lips as he closed his eyes, and when his hands trembled on my hips, I knew he was close. I rolled my hips back, biting my lip when he rewarded me with a gasp. He arched his back and whispered something—I thought it was my name, but it could have been anything—and looked up at me one last time before he closed his eyes again, groaned, and came.

We were still for a long time, just holding onto each other while his orgasm came and went. Even as it all subsided, the air was still energized around and between us. I was surprised our skin didn’t sizzle wherever we touched.

When I was sure I could move without collapsing, I lifted myself off him and lay beside him. He got up long enough to take care of the condom, then joined me under the covers again. I rested my head on his shoulder.

As we both caught our breath, something tightened in my gut. The ghost of my earlier panic fluttered to the surface, tingling just beneath my skin as I came down from the heat of the moment.

Something was different.

Something had changed.

As he held me close and trailed his fingers up and down my arm, I couldn’t decide what unsettled me more: my earlier freak-out over being bound, or the fact that Scott and I had just made love.

The usual watering hole was as crowded as it always was on Friday nights. Light and sound throbbed against the base of my skull as my sleep-deprived mind tried to keep up with my overwhelming surroundings. I was vaguely aware of conversations going on around me at the booth I shared with my friends, but the words melted into the cacophony of pulsing music and clinking glasses.

What the hell am I doing here? I should be home sleeping
. I’d spent the last few nights staring at my bedroom ceiling, alone with thoughts I needed to—but was unable to—sort out.

Matt had been out of town all week and would be for a couple more days yet. Pity, because he was just the kind of distraction I needed right now.

I tapped my fingers on the side of my untouched drink. It was my second since I’d arrived an hour or two before. The first hadn’t done a damned bit of good, and now I wondered why I’d bothered ordering the second. Sighing, I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose.

The front door opened for the umpteenth time tonight, and something in the air shifted. An uncomfortable knot twisted in my gut. Even after the door closed, the air remained changed, and I didn’t have to turn around to know who’d just walked in.

Without looking up for confirmation, I slipped out of the booth and into the crowd, clinging to my unwanted drink like a life preserver. I found a couple of girls I hadn’t caught up with in a while over by the pool tables. We chatted for a few minutes, then I bowed out and let myself get lost in the crowd once more. I watched some friends play darts, meandered toward the bar, and more than once considered making an escape to the terrace. Or the exit.

Wherever I went, short of leaving, I figured I could only avoid him for so long. The crowd was thick and the lights were down, but I had no doubt he could home in on me just as I’d homed in on him since the moment he walked through the door.

So it was no surprise when the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end a second before a hand rested on my elbow. Chewing the inside of my cheek, I turned.

“Hey, you.” Scott inclined his head slightly. “You okay?”

I forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

The lift of his eyebrow called my bluff. He pursed his lips. “I could go for some fresh air. How about you?”

I nodded, but said nothing. He led the way, and the knot in my stomach twisted tighter with every step.

Up on the terrace, he leaned against the railing, hooking his thumbs in the pockets of his jeans. “So, what’s up?”

I shrugged as casually as my tense muscles would allow. “It’s…” I looked out at the city. Where to start? I hadn’t even sorted it enough in my head to put it into words, let alone expect him to understand.

The other night had scared me. That much he knew, but he didn’t know how deep my fear ran. It went beyond the claustrophobia and immobility. It was everything that had happened
after
the bindings came off that had left me unnerved and on the verge of panicking.

Had he simply been trying to comfort me with a gentle touch? Was it just to calm me down and reconnect, or did we really make love? Was it a fluke or a natural progression of feelings we weren’t supposed to have?

“Have I done something wrong?” he asked.

My head snapped up. “No, no, you haven’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“No. I mean, yes, I’m sure. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
Maybe I did. Maybe we both did. Maybe it’s not wrong at all. Maybe
—

“Krissy, you haven’t said a word to me since you left the other night, and you’ve been avoiding me since I walked in this evening.” He cocked his head and raised his eyebrows. “If it’s not something I did, then what’s wrong?”

I shifted my gaze back out to the city. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as the words refused to come. I released a frustrated breath. I’d come here tonight hoping to talk to him about this. Then, like I’d done all week, I’d avoided him like the plague because I was afraid to talk to him. And now that he was unavoidably here, I hadn’t the faintest idea what to say to him.

I didn’t realize he’d moved from his place against the railing until he set a tentative hand on my waist from behind. For a moment, he was still, probably waiting to see if I’d recoil. When I didn’t, he put his arms around me and kissed the side of my neck.

“Talk to me, Krissy,” he whispered. “Whatever’s bothering you…”

I sighed, putting my hands over his. “It’s… everything that happened the other night.”
And I do mean
everything.

He slid his hands out from under mine, then gently turned me around. When I tried to drop my gaze, he lifted my chin with his finger.

“You’re not the first sub who’s freaked out, baby.” He paused. “Do you still trust me?”

My heart skipped. Of all the things I’d questioned in the last few days, it had never even occurred to me to question my trust in Scott.

“Yes, absolutely. Probably even more now after the other night.” I chewed the inside of my cheek. “You figured out I was panicking before I even had a chance to drop the whip.”

“So you know I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe and keep you from getting scared.”

I nodded.

“Like I told you the other night, when you push boundaries, sometimes they push back.” He smoothed my hair. “Sometimes they push back hard. But I promise you, as long as you’re my submissive, I will always be ready to catch you if that happens.”

“I know you will.” I stood up on my toes and kissed him lightly. “And it’s nothing you did or didn’t do. I guess I just didn’t realize how much it freaked me out.”

“Maybe bondage just isn’t your thing, then.”

“Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of being into BDSM?”

Scott laughed. “It’s not all or nothing, you know. You obviously enjoy the dominance and submission aspects. If I’m not mistaken, you’re becoming quite the little pain slut.” A cautious smile crinkled the corners of his eyes, and I couldn’t help returning it.

“Okay, you’ve got me there.”

“So, just because being bound isn’t your thing doesn’t mean kink isn’t your thing.”

“Fair enough,” I said quietly.

“There are so many facets of this lifestyle,” he said. “Some people do everything, some people do one or two things.”

“Is there anything you don’t do?” I paused. “I mean, besides choking?”

“I’m not into humiliation,” he said. “Giving or receiving. For some Doms, that’s an effective way to establish and maintain dominance. For some, it’s just what they enjoy. It’s never appealed to me, though. Ditto with puppy play, pony play, things like that.”

My eyebrows jumped. “Something tells me I might regret this, but puppy and pony play?”

He chuckled. “Exactly what it sounds like. The sub is dehumanized, treated like a dog or a horse. It goes beyond just collars, which a lot of subs and slaves wear. Kennels, crawling on hands and knees, butt plug tails—”

“I, um, I think I’ll pass on that part.”

“I’m with you. Degradation and humiliation are fine for those who enjoy it, it’s just not my thing.” He trailed his fingertips down the side of my face. “So, there’s no reason to give up BDSM as a whole if one thing or another isn’t your thing.” He squeezed my hand. “You still enjoy the rest of it, don’t you?”

“Yes, very much so.”

He shrugged. “Then why stop? It’s not like you’ll have your sub card revoked if you don’t let me tie you up and gag you.”

“That’s good to know,” I laughed.

He smiled. “I’m serious, though. If you enjoy other aspects of BDSM, there’s no reason you should feel obligated to do another aspect that you don’t enjoy.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “Bondage aside, are you still interested in continuing with this?”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely.” A few knots loosened. A few, but not all.

He smiled. “Good, because I was really hoping you would.”

I managed a smile in spite of my pounding heart. “Enjoying it, then?”

“Of course I am.” He kissed me lightly. “If you only knew how long I’d been hoping for a chance to have you as a sub.”

“Oh? How long?”

He laughed. “Years.”

Before I could speak, he pulled me into a deep but tender kiss that didn’t do a damned thing to settle my other concerns.

God knew I’d wanted him since the day we met, but I never imagined we’d be doing this. More than that, I never imagined I’d feel this way about him. And what
did
I feel? Was this love? Whatever the hell it was, did I dare let it continue in case it got any deeper than it already was? Even now, as we stood in a gentle embrace after speaking at too intimate a distance for the friends with benefits we were supposed to be, I couldn’t decide if this was right or wrong.

But what about Amy? What about his other subs? What about Matt? I couldn’t fall in love with Scott. Not when they were in the picture. I just couldn’t.

Maybe this wasn’t anything like that at all anyway. We were crossing lines and pushing boundaries together, so was this intimacy just a side effect of being able to trust someone as deeply as I had to trust him as my Dom?

Yes. Yes, that had to be it.

Not love, just intimacy. Trust.

That was all it was.

Scott’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. “Are you still comfortable going to the club tomorrow night?”

My stomach fluttered. I’d forgotten all about that. “That’s, it’s tomorrow night?”

He nodded. “We don’t have to go unless you’re comfortable.”

“I think I am.”

“You think you are?”

“I’m just not sure what to expect, I guess.”

He smiled. “Well, it’s nothing like this place.”

“God, I hope not,” I laughed. “This place doesn’t exactly set the mood, you know?”

“Hey! Need I remind you that we started our sexual shenanigans in this very place?”

“My point exactly.”

“Bitch,” he muttered, but he couldn’t keep from chuckling. Then his laughter faded and he touched my arm. “Are you sure you’re comfortable going? I mean, there will probably be some culture shock.”

“Culture shock? That’s an interesting way to put it.”

He shrugged. “Best way I can think of to describe it. They don’t call this a lifestyle for nothing. Some of the people there live and breathe kink, and while they’re inside the walls of the club, almost everyone lives and breathes it. You’ll see and hear things that are completely alien to you.”

“Sounds like a fun place to people watch, if nothing else.”

He laughed. “Yeah, you could say that. But you’re still gaining confidence with all of this, and so far, you’ve only had me in the room. Tomorrow night, there will be a
lot
of people around.”

I swallowed. The only person who I was concerned about was standing right in front of me. It wasn’t that I distrusted him, or he unnerved me. Quite the opposite.
That
was what unnerved me.

He raised my chin with two fingers. “Krissy?”

“I think I can handle it.”

“I don’t want to drag you there, though,” he said, almost whispering. “If you’re not comfortable—”

“No, I want to go.”

“You sure? It can be a bit overwhelming the first time.”

I shrugged with one shoulder and smiled. “You’ll be there.” Those three words sent my pulse skyrocketing. He’d be there. I couldn’t tell if that thought turned me on or unsettled me.

“Okay, well, if you’re still comfortable with it, we’ll go,” he said. “If you want to leave at any time, though, for any reason, just say so.”

I nodded. “I will.”

His brow furrowed for a second, then his expression relaxed and he leaned forward to kiss my forehead. “I think it’ll be fun. I just don’t want you getting overwhelmed.”

“Can’t promise anything there. Not quite as confident with all of this as you are.”

A breath of laughter cooled my forehead before he met my eyes. Stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb, he said, “No one’s expecting you to be one hundred percent certain about all of this at this point. Everyone has to start somewhere.”

“Let me ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“I know you’ve got years of experience, but you don’t seem to bat an eye at anything. Were you, when you first got involved with all of this…”

“Was I nervous and clueless?”

“Yes, exactly.”

He looked out at the city as he put an arm around my waist. “Oh, Krissy, I could tell you some stories, believe me. I’ve always been curious to a fault, and I did my time as a bumbling idiot.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“Shit, where to begin.” His eyes lost focus for a moment. Then he shook his head and chuckled. “Took me a long, long time to get confident with a flogger. I had a couple of subs who got really annoyed with me because I wouldn’t hit them hard enough.”

“Really?
You
?”