Land of Entrapment (20 page)

“I don’t think I need to tell you this is hot,” the server said as she placed it on the bamboo pad.

“No, but thanks,” I acknowledged. She set everything down and retreated. I reached into the plastic tortilla warmer and took out a tortilla that I slathered with guacamole, sour cream, and pico de gallo before stacking it with grilled peppers, onions, tomatoes, and chicken from the skillet. I tried to close the tortilla to make it more like a burrito but I’d overloaded it.

Melissa laughed. “You always do that. Maybe order a regular-size tortilla next time.”

“If I wanted a burrito...” I started.

She shook her head, smiling. “You would have ordered a burrito.” She took a bite of her enchiladas and chewed, and I caught myself watching her, knowing that she’d lower her fork to her plate and move her garnish around a little before she took another bite. Funny, the things that stayed with me.

We ate and talked about inane things like the people at Melissa’s office and some of the cases she’d been working on. Very superficial but at least I didn’t feel like I was freaking out. We finished and I ordered another margarita when the server cleared our plates.

I glanced at Melissa. It was time. She started.

“Thanks for meeting with me.”

“Sure.” I cleared my throat. “I don’t really know what to say.”

“So ask me something, then.” She regarded me with an expression I recognized, triggering some pleasant memories. I thought about all the people I knew who had sex with their exes and I understood why, in that moment. But for some reason, Sage bounded into my head and my past with Melissa remained in my memories. I took a sip of my drink and remembered driving to Arizona on that awful night three years ago, when I saw Melissa with Hillary.

“Why did you do it?” The words were out of my mouth before I thought about them and she started as if I had physically slapped her. I backpedaled a bit, trying to soften the blow. “I mean, I guess I’ve always wondered. Why didn’t you come to me and tell me you were having thoughts? Or whatever. Maybe we could’ve seen somebody about it.”

Her jaw clenched and her lower lip trembled. “I was weak.”

Sage had said the same thing. I nervously sucked on an ice cube from my margarita glass.

“I felt like I was losing my mind,” Melissa continued. “Megan in rehab, me feeling like I couldn’t keep it together. You struggling not to get caught up in Megan’s shit—rightfully so. I know that. Addiction is so fucked up and I know I was enabling her. It felt like you pulled away and I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know how to talk to you.”

The server came by with my second margarita. She took my empty glass and moved away. I considered Melissa’s words. True, I had shut down to a certain extent. I hadn’t wanted to get caught up in what I knew was an unhealthy cycle that Melissa sometimes got stuck in with Megan. So I’d done what I usually did to avoid contact, to avoid dealing with something.

I worked. Constantly. The revelation hit me like a train. Chris was right.

“And I wasn’t really around.” I said it thoughtfully, analytically. “I wasn’t there.”

Melissa dropped her gaze. She folded her hands on the table in front of her. “It didn’t feel like it.”

“I wish you had said something.”

“I wish I had, too.”

I took a sip from the fresh margarita.

She studied the tabletop. “When I realized what I was losing, I hoped so much that you’d give me another chance, that you’d maybe work with me on things.”

I slowly shook my head. “Think about it from my perspective. You violated a level of trust that I thought we had. I don’t know if I could ever have gotten to that point with you again. I’d always wonder what you were doing if you called and said you were running late. Or if you said you had to go on a business trip. Or anything like that. I was afraid I’d wonder and then I’d feel guilty for not trusting you if you were telling the truth. That’s the kind of damage an affair does.” And maybe I wasn’t really strong enough to do damage control.

She sighed. “I loved you so much. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I wanted so much to rewind time and make different decisions.” She shook her head. “Sometimes I still want that.”

I had my elbows on the table and my lips braced against my hands. I lowered my hands carefully to the table’s surface. “So Hillary offered what you felt you weren’t getting from me.” Attention. A shoulder. Time.

She nodded in response.

“Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you just tell me to pull my head out of my ass and talk to you?”

“I didn’t know how. And you seemed to be working so hard at just staying afloat, given what Megan and I were going through.”

I felt like somebody was sandblasting scar tissue off my heart. “But you knew me. You knew you could talk to me about anything.” I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated.

“I got trapped in my own projections.”

I sighed heavily. “On the other hand, I could’ve asked you how you were doing.”

She managed a small shrug. “You didn’t have the affair.”

At least she owned it. Oddly, that made me feel better. Freer, somehow. “Did you love her?”

Melissa regarded me. I couldn’t read what she was thinking in her eyes. “No.” She leaned forward slightly. Her voice was soft. “I didn’t see her for a good six months after you left.”

That caught me by surprise.

“And then I started dating her, I guess you’d call it. We did have some things in common. A year after that, I moved in with her.”

“So—wait a minute. You’ve only lived with her...”

“A little over a year.”

I didn’t know what to say so I took another drink.

“And no, it’s not working out.” She rubbed the back of her neck with her right hand. “I broke up with her about four months ago.”

I stared at her. “Wait.”

“I know. It’s one of those fucked-up lesbian situations. And I’m feeling guilty about leaving an addict. So I’m still there at the house. And she just drinks more.”

My heart sank. I automatically reached out and covered her right hand with my left. “Melissa, get the hell out of there. Don’t repeat a pattern.”

She moved her hand out from under mine and then took my hand in hers. “I’m waiting to hear from my realtor about another place in the North Valley.

About half the size of Hillary’s. It’s really nice. It’s on Candelaria between Rio Grande and Fourth. One of those old Spanish-style places with an inner courtyard and a wall around the whole thing. I have the down payment and it looks like it’ll be okay. I’m just waiting to hear whether I get approval or not.”

“That’s great,” I said, relieved. “When do you find out?”

“Monday or Tuesday probably.”

“Does Hillary know?”

“Yes. She came home yesterday—as you know—

and told the repairman who was supposed to come by to reschedule. I don’t know. Maybe she wanted to have it out with me. But she gets to drinking and there’s nothing you can say to her.”

“Do you love her now?” I was still holding on to Melissa’s hand and it felt okay. No charge, no spark.

Just warmth.

She looked at me and smiled sadly. “No. I don’t think I ever did. But because I had screwed around with her and hurt you so badly, I guess I thought—

well, I thought here I had made my bed, so I’d better lie in it.”

“You didn’t have to start seeing her after I left.”

“I didn’t have to do a lot of things. I’m still sorting it all out.” Before I knew what she was doing, she had pulled my hand to her lips and kissed my knuckles.

She lowered my hand just as quickly, before I had time to do anything. The gesture surprised me and scared me at the same time.

“Thank you for coming to help me with Megan.”

Whew. It was about Megan and not us.

“And I’ll bet you’re feeling guilty,” she added.

I clenched my jaw. “Yeah. I am.”

“Because you didn’t keep in touch with her?”

I nodded. “I’m sorry,” I said, not sure what else to offer.

“Don’t, K.C.”

I lowered my gaze to the table.

“Don’t do this to yourself. It’s not your fault.”

“I know that here—” I tapped my forehead. “But I don’t feel it here.” I placed my free hand over my heart. “Seeing you now—I’ve been wondering why I was such an asshole to you that last day I saw you. If I had just talked to you...” I trailed off, remembering how the wound between us echoed in Melissa’s eyes and tore through my heart as I shut her out completely. I might have winced, because this time the memory revealed what I refused to see then, revealed the chance I chose not to take.

She bit her lip and a tear coursed down her cheek.

“You had every right to act that way. I know it was coming from a place of pain and I know I caused that.

I don’t blame you, though I do wonder sometimes if we could have made it work.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I’m sorry for the past, and for what I wasn’t strong enough to do.” I knew I was about to cry but I didn’t fight it.

She used a corner of her napkin to wipe her tears.

“I’m sorry, too. I’ve said that to you more times than I can count for the past three years.” She handed me a clean napkin from the stack the server had left with dinner.

I took it and chuckled. “God, you’d think we were breaking up again, from this.” I wiped my face and drew a shaky breath.

“Please, no,” she said, rolling her eyes in an attempt to lighten the mood. “I can’t take that again.”

She smiled at me then. “So what have you been doing since you left?”

I had to laugh. “What do you think? Working my ass off.”

She shook her head, concerned. “Kase, you have got to break that pattern too. It might get in the way of—” She paused. “Future things.” She still held my hand. “So you’re not seeing anyone?”

“Please, Melissa. You came to Texas. You saw what I was doing. Did it look like I was involved with anyone?” I lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “I’ve dated here and there, but nothing serious. I did realize something, though.”

She looked at me expectantly.

“I love my work. I love what I do, as difficult as it can sometimes be. I’m getting better about doing other things, too. Like traveling and outdoor stuff.

Except in the summer. Texas is too damn hot for that,” I joked. “Anyway, I do okay by myself. I do very well, actually. And I’m content with that.”

“Do you think maybe you’re afraid of a relationship?”

“Hell, yes. After what happened between us, I’m scared shitless. I can’t go through that again. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” I squeezed her hand. “I’m not telling you that to make you feel bad. I think you’ve already made yourself feel totally shitty for three years. I’m just being honest.” I regarded her for a moment and continued. “I know I have to deal with it. I’m not blaming you for my own failings. I mean, it’s stupid for me to drag a dead horse around and say shit like ‘oh, woe is me. Melissa dissed me so I’ll never get involved again so I don’t ever have to feel that pain.’ ” I rolled my eyes. “It’s not something I’m looking for right now. I’ll just say that.” She smiled again and I changed the subject. “All right. So you’re going to get yourself out of Hillary’s house, right?

How about out of her life?”

“Yes,” she said emphatically. “I’m so tired of this.

I can’t tell you how tired I am of dealing with addicts.

And now Megan’s pulling all of this shit—”

“Let me just say something about that, okay?”

She waited.

“If I’m able to find her, you need to understand that she might not want to come back to your reality.

And you’re going to have to make some choices for her and for yourself. There’s no reason for you to continue paying rent on her place if she’s not going to use it. There’s no reason for you to lose sleep because she’s hooked up with an asshole. She needs to find her own way and if you constantly bail her out, that won’t happen.” It stung a little to say that because I didn’t want to think of Megan living in the white supremacist underground much longer than she already had, but I also wanted Melissa to think about her role in Megan’s life.

“I know,” she readily agreed. “I just want to see if I can find out where she is and what she’s planning to do so that I can make those decisions.”

I sat with that for a little bit. The vibe I was picking up from Melissa indicated that she was trying to rearrange and move ahead.

“And I’m really glad you came to help,” she continued. “You’ll never know what this means to me.

I just don’t have the words for it.” She pressed the back of my hand to her face, rubbed her cheek against it. I felt an old stirring as my past collided head-on with the present. It would be easy, I thought. So easy to overstep this tenuous rapport, but I knew deep down the right course of action and I had a feeling that she knew, too.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make this up to you.”

I watched her as she held my hand to her cheek. “I think maybe this trip is reward enough,” I said quietly.

“Thank you. Thanks for talking.”

“Thanks for asking.” I paused. Then, “So back to some business now.”

She lowered my hand to the table but she didn’t release it and I didn’t pull away.

“I’m going to try to get in contact with Cody this weekend. I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I’ll also stick close to Megan’s because I want to see if anybody shows up. Chris will have the reports on Cody’s run-ins with the law in Colorado. Maybe we can get him on parole violation or something. She’ll also know more about the fingerprints from the other night. So just hang loose and I’ll keep in touch. Where are you going to be?”

“Packing up.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I can’t stand it anymore. She’s staying away most of the time and this weekend she says she has to be in Los Angeles. I don’t really know and I don’t really care. Isn’t that sad?”

That was pretty sad. “Are you okay by yourself?”

“The existential question. We’ll find out, won’t we?”

“I’m serious.”

She smiled. “Yes, I am. I actually really enjoy it when she’s not around and when I have time and space to myself.”

“Okay, but if you need anything or want to talk or whatever, just call me.” Holy shit. If someone had said a couple of weeks ago that I’d be sitting in Albuquerque with my ex, whom I hadn’t spoken with in three years, telling her to call me, I would’ve thought that person had smoked a bagful of supreme Mexican weed. But here I was. And it felt okay. It felt good, actually.