Killing Time: The Bonus Collection (16 page)

He swallowed and I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “You have to understand that there is a lot of dubious consent in the community. I mean, you have your pain whores—people who get off on being humiliated and degraded. It is a physical turn on for people to piss and shit on them, abuse them beyond what any…sane person…would think is normal or even acceptable. This woman wasn’t one of those people and there was just a train of men using and abusing her. They were double and triple teaming her and I tried to break in to be of some assistance.

“I won’t go into the whole sordid episode but I was…assaulted multiple times. I honestly don’t know how long it went on because I passed out and my brother found me. I had to go to the hospital and I needed stitches and spent a whole week in the hospital, face down. My bowels were re-routed and attached to a colostomy bag so my ass could heal properly as there was a lot of internal damage. Let’s just say it made it harder to become a true Dom when something like that happens to you because no matter how hard you try to separate yourself from someone, you always wonder how they are feeling, what they are thinking…if they truly enjoy what is happening to them.”

“Is that why you don’t have slaves?”

“I don’t have slaves because I don’t
want
them. I have no wish to break down a person’s mind like Severin has done to Claudette and Hans. It’s a lot of work before and a lot of work after. I just thank what ever is above us he hasn’t gotten bored with them because the transition is going to be very…difficult for them. They’ve basically been living in a dream world for the past couple of years and when their service to him ends, they will be completely free and on their own to make decisions they haven’t had to do in ages.

“He literally tells them when they can use the toilet, take a shower, when they are allowed to feel pain and pleasure. I don’t condone my brother’s lifestyle but I can’t quite condemn him either because he has always been there for me in a way you can’t understand unless you have an identical twin. It’s a very strange relationship we have but…it’s functional and it works. I suppose I am not a true Dom especially if I am dependent on someone else to make me feel safe and that person is Severin, not me.”

I don’t know why I wanted to reach out and touch him at all but I needed the human connection and I could only hope he wouldn’t reject me. I slipped my arm around his waist and leaned against him. He slid his arms around my naked waist and pulled me closer to him. There wasn’t anything sexual to it; truly we were two people who desired skin-to-skin contact if only not to feel alone in a world so big and cold.

“Come on, let’s go get a drink. A little bird told me you aren’t expected back in the city until tonight. So, you can have a glass or two of Cristal with me?”

I don’t know what it was about him but the way he casually suggested I stay longer made me smile before I said, “I sure can.”

It was so strange to me how easily we could transition back to that place of being friends. I could understand why my sister felt safe with him and why she was loathe to leave him despite their rather strange sexual practices. If it made her happy then who was I to judge her?

I was one to think about not so usual sexual practices when I had experienced a double penetration that morning. That was definitely something to leave out telling future generations if I ever decided to spit out a kid or two.

We stood and walked to the kitchen together and it wasn’t until we got there, I realized his left hand was holding my right. When did that happen? When did we become so close it was okay for us to touch each other without it being the least bit sexual?

Rory let go and opened the fridge to take out a bottle of Cristal. As I watched him work, my breath caught in my throat and my heart thundered in my chest with an intensity that frightened the shit out me.

Chapter Nine

YOU FEEL NOTHING FOR THIS
man
, my inner voice warned me.

Could that same rational part of my brain communicate this to my heart? I began to breathe hard until I was wheezing like a goddamn asthmatic and I slowly sank to the floor. The tears came before I could stop them and I had to cover my face out of embarrassment and fear. This wasn’t supposed to happen and I would never forgive myself for this. I promised myself no one would ever touch my heart the way Renaud had and there I was back in a situation so beyond my control, I couldn’t draw breath.

Rory was immediately at my side and all I could do was read his lips because I couldn’t hear his voice above my own heartbeat. I was falling apart in front of a man and I cursed my fucking weaknesses. I was stronger than this. I was a smart, independent woman who didn’t need a man and just like that, I decided I wouldn’t have one.

Slowly, his concerned voice came into focus and my anxiety attack began to wane. I didn’t feel completely out of control anymore and my ragged breath began to fade away.

“Deep breaths, okay? It’ll ease you back down, okay?”

I nodded my head as Severin walked into the kitchen and glared at us though his focus was primarily at me. I could feel his gaze burn over my skin as I allowed Rory to help me up off the floor.

“I didn’t realize you liked bottoming out so much. Looks like my brother dearest has found a replacement for Trésor, his poor dead pain whore.”

I saw red and before Rory could stop me, I stormed at Severin and pushed him so hard he fell on his ass. “You take that back you fucking asshole! My sister is dead and you talk about her like that? You’re just jealous you couldn’t turn her into another Claudette. Is that why you killed her?”

Severin’s aquamarine eyes shined with hatred as he stared me up and down. Even in his subordinate position, he commanded a power and studious demand I bow down to him, I looked away before I did something I regretted.

“Calm down, he didn’t mean what he said. He’s just upset—”

“
What? And I’m not?
” I screamed at him.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Come with me.” Rory grabbed the bottle of Cristal before he slid his arm around my waist.

As we passed, Severin stood and murmured, “
Du gehörst zu mir…nicht vergessen.
”

I didn’t bother to ask what he meant though Rory said something mumbled in German to his brother before we strode to his bedroom and he closed the doors behind us and turned the lock on the door knob.

“What was that about?”

Rory still faced the double doors. “Trouble between my brother and I but nothing for you to worry about.”

I walked toward him but stopped as he turned toward me. “What did he say to you?”

“To paraphrase, ‘I should remember I belong to him’. It can be misinterpreted as it doesn’t mean the way it sounds. I merely replied ‘I don’t belong to anyone but myself’ but that was meant to hurt him. It was stupid…I don’t want to talk about it.”

He looked at the sheets and scrunched his face up in disgust before he strode to the bed and began to strip it. Was this his version of a panic attack? The bottle of champagne had been left on the floor in a precarious position and I grabbed it as he continued to take the linens off the pillowcases.

There was a fireplace that had never been used with a nice mantel and I placed it there before I approached him reluctantly and touched his shoulder. He whipped around to face me and his whole visage was a mask of anger.

At the look of fright on my face, his features softened and he grabbed me possessively before he kissed me long and hard against my mouth. I allowed his tongue to probe my mouth and I surrendered to the sensation because I wanted to do anything it took to calm him down.

We finally separated. “I’m sorry…this is going to be impossible and I can’t do this. I won’t let you go tonight because that arrogant prick doesn’t deserve you. You’re an amazing woman and to think…you are going back to that…phony.”

I chewed on my lip which had started to swell from our bruising kiss. “No, I’m not.”

“What?”

“Who is Gabriel and why should I talk to him?” I wondered out loud, purposely changing the subject.

Rory sat on the stripped bed and ran his hands over his face. “He’s our attorney and financial advisor. I specifically told him not to contact you until after the funeral because…I didn’t want you to be upset or think I was trying to buy you.”

I looked at him though he did not meet my gaze. “What’s going on, Rory?”

“Your sister left her monetary wealth to your parents. It isn’t much but they will have a nice retirement and knowing your parents, they’ll be okay. I didn’t understand her decision nor did I think it was right. I’d always put aside some money for her and when she died, you inherited it. It’s not a fortune but I think it will give you the financial freedom you require,” he explained before his blue-green eyes met mine.

“How much is it?” I inquired.

“Does it matter if you’re not going to accept it? This was before I knew who you were. I only knew she had a sister and I decided you should inherit her money should anything happen to her. I found out later…who you were…your reputation and your dedication to the
truth
.”

Was he mocking my profession?

“You don’t like what I do?”

“What? Journalism? It was one time a very noble profession but now it is chasing down Kim Kardashian and her latest lover or wondering where Snooki is passed out on the Jersey Shore. It isn’t a profession I consider with any conviction or ethics what so ever, that’s for sure,” he replied snidely.

I laughed. “I don’t do the entertainment section and you know it. I do the hard core stories and investigative journalism—”

“Yes, I know. You were one of the first journalists in harm’s way during the whole ‘Arab Spring’ uprisings and you do stories about Tibet and Darfur and Myanmar and Timor. I’m not ignorant in the way of the world. I attended the University of Munich at the age of sixteen and graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration. I received my Masters in Business Admin from Columbia University at the age of twenty-one
and
have a Doctorate in Philosophy from Harvard in Political Economy and Government. I followed the same path as your current President so…you don’t have to try to educate me about the world’s issues. I know them a little bit too well.

“My point is what good does it do to talk about these places and what’s going on there if you have absolutely no fucking clue how to change the course of the situation? The problems are a little more complex than having a fund raiser with George Clooney and throwing money at the ‘issue’ before turning your attention to yet another bleeding heart cause in the world.”

“What would you propose I do?” I questioned. “I will take your fucking money—however much it is—and probably give half of it to these ‘worthless’ causes but it will make me feel better and I know at the end of the day although it’s probably useless…it’s better than doing nothing. I am so scared that what we have lost most is our humanity and our ability to feel. Is that what attracted you to the lifestyle in the first place? Is feeling pain or pleasure better than feeling nothing at all?”

I closed my eyes and before I could open them, I felt him next to me and his hand, so soft and hot, was running down my bare arm. It was the most exquisite and beautiful feeling on earth.

“Yes, the experience of pleasure and pain is better than feeling nothing at all. You want to know why? It is the feeling of being alive instead of subsisting through life as if we are already dead. Do you think you are the only one who walks through life numb, Aurélie? We Germans have turned it into a proper blood sport. To feel dedication and passion for
anything
is to be reminded of our fanatical history so we prefer to feel
nothing
at all. Everything is mechanical and precise and perfect. Alas, perfection does not exist but we hopelessly strive for this fantasy to be fulfilled.”

I sagged against his hard body and slipped my arms around his neck as his hands wandered down to cup my breasts. I could feel the outline of his hard cock against my back and I murmured as he ripped my bikini top and teased my nipples with nimble fingers as he kissed my neck.

“I thought you couldn’t do this?” I questioned breathlessly.

“I can’t and I shouldn’t but you…
du faszinieren und erschrecken mich
.”

“
J'ai peur aussi
,” I whispered, “but I am more afraid of
not
doing this with you than I am of continuing.”