Fully Ignited (Boston Fire #3) (18 page)

“Jamie.” She heard Scott’s voice and turned to face him, giving him
the look.
It was the look she’d been about to unleash on the guy in the bar before Scott punched him instead. He stopped in his tracks, his eyes widening.

“I gave you an order and you disobeyed it.” She didn’t want to do this in front of both companies, but if he wasn’t going to give her a choice, at least she could steer him toward keeping the conversation about the job.

“For a good reason.”

“The only good reason for you to disregard what I say is if you think I’m unfit for duty or command. You didn’t indicate to me or to anybody else that you believed that to be so.”

“I had personal reasons,” he said, not giving up.

Keenly aware of the fact they had an audience, Jamie made sure her voice was low. “Your personal reasons have no place here.”

She turned to walk away, which, in hindsight, was probably a mistake. Scott grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. In her peripheral vision, she saw the other guys stop trying to pretend they couldn’t hear as they all turned to look. Aidan even took a step forward, but Rick held out his hand to stop him.

“I couldn’t do it,” he said in a hoarse voice. “I couldn’t stand there and do nothing but listen to the radio, praying to hear your voice. I did that with Danny and I knew I couldn’t leave without you. And if you think I was disrespecting your ability to do your job, then I’m sorry. But I love you, Jamie. I fell in love with you and I couldn’t stand by and do nothing.”

His words fell on her like blows. At any other time, in any other place, those words might have made her the happiest woman on the planet. But not here, on an active scene in front of the guys in her command.

She jerked her arm away. “If you loved me—hell, if you really knew anything about me and paid attention—you would never have done this here.”

Without giving him a chance to say anything more, Jamie turned and walked away with her back straight, her eyes dry and her heart splintering into ruin.

* * *

S
COTT
LOOKED
UP
when the swinging doors to the emergency room opened, but the nurse walked to a family sitting across the hallway from them. Since it wasn’t anybody about Grant, he dropped his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling tiles some more.

He’d blown it. His temper and lack of impulse control had gotten him into a lot of trouble over the course of his life, but he’d never sabotaged his own happiness the way he had today.

“Stop beating yourself up.”

Scott wanted to ignore Aidan, but right now he was the only person Scott had to talk to. The others were back at the station, since Jamie had volunteered the two of them to go to the hospital and wait for news on Grant. Or to bring him back if he was released.

He knew she’d just wanted him out of her sight.

“Why the hell did I do that? I mean, I know why I disobeyed her. It was wrong and stupid, but I know what happened. But telling her I did it because I love her in front of everybody? I opened my mouth and it came out.”

“I have to ask. Is it true?”

“That I love her?” He sighed. “Yeah. I do love her. But I also know that wasn’t the time or place to tell her that. And I knew it when I was saying it.”

“I have a theory, but it’s probably best if you figure it out on your own.”

“Really?” Scott swiveled his head so he was looking at his best friend. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means just that. I have a theory, but I think you should figure it out on your own because I might be wrong and then I’d just look like an asshole.”

“You can’t look more like an asshole than I do.”

“That’s pretty much been my life motto since the day we met. I can’t look like more of an asshole than Scotty Kincaid does.”

Scott actually chuckled, which he knew was Aidan’s intention with the insults. But his amusement was short-lived. “Even if you’re wrong, at least you have a theory. I can’t wrap my head around why I would pull a stunt like that. I
knew
she wouldn’t forgive that.”

“Because you’re scared.” Aidan’s voice was very serious now. “You’re scared of taking a chance on Jamie, so you did something you knew would make her walk away and not come back.”

Scott swallowed past the lump in his throat and shrugged.
And not come back.

“Why am I scared?” Deep in his gut, he suspected Aidan’s theory might be right. “We’re great together. We have a good time and we enjoy each other’s company. We laugh and talk. I mean, I love her. I know I do. How can I love her and be scared of being with her?”

“I don’t know. I think if you want to dig deeper into that psyche of yours, you’ll need a professional. Or Lydia.”

“I don’t even want to think about telling Lydia what happened. Don’t tell her.”

“Really?” Aidan shifted in his chair, leaning forward with his elbows propped on his knees. “I knew there would come a time when my loyalty to you would conflict with my loyalty to my wife, but I thought I’d have more than three days.”

The swinging doors opened again and this time Grant walked out. He looked annoyed and slightly chagrined, but whole. “Hey, guys.”

A doctor was with him, and he looked at them over the top of his glasses. “Mr. Cutter here will be fine. He was lucky and escaped with a very minor concussion. He needs to rest for a couple of days, but as long as he remains symptom free and pays attention to any messages his body might send him, there’s no reason he can’t resume his duties on his next shift.”

“Thanks, Doc.” Aidan looked around the waiting room. “Can I take him out in a wheelchair?”

The doctor didn’t even crack a smile. “He can walk. You guys have a good day and be safe.”

They rode back to the station in silence. Grant probably because he had a raging headache. Scott because he was still trying to make sense of his moment of stunning stupidity, and Aidan because nobody else was talking.

Everybody was on the third floor when they got back, except for Cobb and Jamie. He went into the kitchen to make Grant a cup of coffee, which he probably wasn’t supposed to have but really wanted, while the kid shared the diagnosis. Because it was good news, Grant took a ration of shit, which would have made Scott laugh if he wasn’t so focused on Jamie’s absence.

When he saw Rick by himself, Scott walked over to him. “Where’s Jamie? She’ll want to know that Grant’s back.”

Rick gave him a look that could have set a glass of water on fire. “The lieutenant’s in her office, doing paperwork. Not the least of which has to do with the car you hit today. And she already knows Cutter is back.”

Temper at being iced out by a guy who’d known him as long as Rick had flared in Scott, but he shoved it back. This wasn’t personal. Scott hadn’t done what he was told to do. Firefighters doing whatever the hell they wanted put their companies at risk. And anything that put Engine 59 at risk was probably going to put Ladder 37 at risk, too.

“Yes, sir.” It killed him to say it and not try to defend himself, but he didn’t have anything to say that would make it okay.

But as he turned away, he caught a flicker of something on Rick’s face. “Scotty.”

He turned, bracing himself for more censure. “If Jamie wasn’t leaving this week, we’d have a problem.”

“I know. But I’m the root of the problem, not her. What happened today shouldn’t reflect poorly on her at all.”

“Oh, I’ll make sure it doesn’t.” Rick gave him a humorless smile. “Luckily, I think the only guys paying attention were our own, so that issue’s moot. But on a personal level that’s none of my business, you need to make this right. Not only for her sake, but for yours. Even if it’s over, this isn’t the way you want it to end.”

“I don’t want it to end at all,” he said, though his subconscious must have differed for him to so blatantly shoot himself in the foot. “I’ll talk to her. Maybe try to make her understand.”

“You should. But not here and not today. I’ve got a couple of guys coming in. I want you to take Grant home and make sure he has whatever he needs to keep him on the couch for a couple of days. And then you can head home, too.”

“Am I being suspended?”

Rick shook his head. “Not in an official capacity, that I know of. But she doesn’t need you here. And if we have to go on a run, everybody’s going to be distracted and less confident. Go home. Or go see your old man. Have a beer with Tommy and see if he can help you figure this out.”

Scott snorted, not really able to picture his dad giving him advice. “Okay. I guess space is best for everybody.”

“Yeah, but not too much. And not for too long.” Rick slapped him in the shoulder. “I’m rooting for you, you know. Even if you are a dumbass.”

Once Grant was ready to go, Scott followed him down the stairs, but he paused on the second floor. Maybe he should knock on her door and at least apologize briefly. He could test the waters, so to speak, and see how open she would be to seeing him later, when he could really apologize. Leaving without saying anything at all didn’t sit well with him.

But they were still at work. He’d disrespected her once already and there was a good chance she’d see him knocking on her door as more of the same. She didn’t want to talk about their personal lives at work.

With a last glance at Jamie’s office door—which remained firmly closed—Scott shoved his hands into his pockets and followed Grant down the last flight of stairs.

SEVENTEEN

J
AMIE
SAT
WITH
her elbows braced on her desk and the heels of her hands pressed to her eyes, praying like hell the alarm didn’t sound. Red, puffy eyes and a stuffy nose from crying wouldn’t do much to inspire confidence.

He loved her.

Even now, when everything had gone to crap and she’d shut him down before sending him away, her pulse quickened at the thought. She’d known he cared about her more than he let on. She felt it in the way he touched her and the way he looked at her.

And when a woman was in love with a man, she was sensitive to those kinds of things.

He could have told her he loved her when they were tangled up in her sheets, hot and out of breath. He could have told her while they were curled up on the couch watching one of his stupid movies. But not Scott.

Instead he’d pissed her off by defying her orders and then he’d turned what should have been the sweetest words she’d ever hear into professional embarrassment. He knew what that scene would do to her—that he was pushing one of her biggest hot buttons—and he’d done it anyway.

And that made her doubt that what he had said was actually the truth.

And damn, there were more tears again. She rubbed at her eyes and then pressed the wet washcloth she’d grabbed from the bathroom to her face. It wasn’t cold enough to help anymore, but it calmed her a little.

He loved her. He’d told her he loved her and she’d rejected it. Coldly and as publicly as he’d thrown it out there. It was over. Her time at E59-L37 was over and her time with Scott was over.

Rather than give in to more tears, Jamie pushed back from her desk and looked around the office. There were very few personal items in it. Most belonged to Danny, and the stuff that was hers would barely cover the bottom of a box. But she had things in the officer’s bunk room to pack. And she’d have to remember to take the box of tampons from under the bathroom sink so nobody was traumatized by it after she left.

That thought made her smile. She probably wouldn’t feel like laughing any time soon, but she wasn’t going to curl into a ball and weep for hours, either. At least not here.

Too many hours later, she left the awkward silences and too-polite conversations behind her and went home. Her apartment felt emptier than usual. Quieter. And she knew it would feel that way for a while because Scott wouldn’t be filling it with his energy and big personality. She was alone again.

After forcing herself to take a shower, she put on her comfort pajamas—old sweats she’d stolen from a college boyfriend—and crawled into bed. If she slept a few hours, maybe things wouldn’t look so depressing when she woke up.

But life didn’t look any better when she finally decided to roll out of bed and force herself to eat something. Sleep hadn’t been easy, and the nodding off and waking up and trying not to cry had given her a headache.

She was halfway through a bowl of cereal she didn’t want when her phone chimed. She really wanted to ignore it, but there was a good chance if it was a well-meaning friend who knew what had happened, that friend would show up at her door.

It wasn’t, though. It was Scott.
Can we talk for a few minutes? I’m downstairs, but I can keep walking if you want.

It was tempting to tell him to keep moving, but she couldn’t do it.
I’ll be right down.

She took a few seconds to look in the mirror, and then wished she hadn’t. Her hair wasn’t awful, but her face had the look of a brokenhearted woman who’d cried too many tears and not slept enough hours.

There was no help for it, though, so she forced herself to go down the stairs to get some closure. She saw him through the glass door and her heart ached so badly she had to resist the urge to raise her hand to her chest to rub the spot.

At least he looked almost as miserable as she did, but without the red eyes.

She pushed open the door and stepped back to let him in. Once the door swung shut, she leaned against the wall and folded her arms. “I’m not going to invite you upstairs.”

“I understand.” He paused, staring down at the bag in his hands before lifting his gaze to meet hers. “I’m sorry.”

The sincerity came through so strongly, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him close. He looked sad and tired, and she couldn’t help but contrast it to the fire scene, when his expression had burned with intensity as he told her he loved her.

“I’m not sure what else I can say,” he said. “I know that...what I said before wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but—”

“You’re wrong. I did want to hear you say those words to me. I
really
did.”

He was silent for a few seconds, probably realizing what that meant, and then he cleared his throat. “I shouldn’t have said them there or then. And I shouldn’t have used my feelings for you as an excuse for disrespecting you professionally.”

At least he got it. “You had to know I wouldn’t want that in front of everybody.”

“I did.” He shifted his weight, sighing heavily. “I did know that, and I think subconsciously I did it on purpose. Talking about your transfer and everything made me think about the future, but we weren’t really supposed to have a future together. We’re just not on the same page. But I fell in love with you and I was starting to wonder if we could make it work. In the fire, in the structure after Grant got hit, I just... I panicked. I didn’t want you in there and that scared me. And I imagined how that would feel day after day and I guess I sabotaged whatever we had.”

Jamie processed his words, letting them sink in. They made sense to her. He’d lost his mom so young and then had to live with a father who was a firefighter and had survived a heart attack. And Ashley had told her how shaken he’d been by Danny’s accident.

At least it had come from a place he couldn’t quite control, because love and fear weren’t always rational, and that was a comfort. It helped to know he hadn’t simply been acting with blatant disregard for her feelings.

“You proved that you can’t really handle letting me do my job. I’m not the television wife you’re looking for, Scott.”

She watched the impact the words had on him. He paled slightly and his jaw clenched. “You’re the woman I fell in love with.”

Curling her hands into fists so tight her fingernails bit into her palms, Jamie absorbed the blow of the words. “I fell in love with you, too. But I won’t be happy in the box you want to put me in.”

“I don’t want to put you in a goddamned box.”

“You
did
put me in a goddamned box. You already did it. You decided you knew better than I did what was good for me, and even if I
wasn’t
your lieutenant and we weren’t on the job, that’s not something I’m going to accept in
any
part of my life.” She looked up for a few seconds, blinking rapidly to keep the sheen of tears at bay. “Imagine how much stronger that fear would have been if I was also the mother of your children.”

He nodded, so much sorrow in his eyes, she couldn’t stop her own tears from spilling over onto her cheeks. “I love you, Jamie. I respect you. I really do respect the hell out of you. I want you to know that.”

“I know you do. And that makes this so much harder.”

“I didn’t want this.” He blew out a breath and ran a hand over his hair. “I should go. I hope you like being with Ladder 41 and that it all works out for you. I’m sure I’ll run into you at events and stuff. And I, uh, brought you something.”

When he held out the bag, she took it and peered inside. The little tub of chocolate pudding from the market made her breath catch in her chest and the tears kicked it up a notch.

“I only got a single serving,” he said. “So you wouldn’t think I was trying anything. But I thought it might help you feel better later.”

Jamie couldn’t talk, so she just nodded, clutching the bag. After a few seconds, he put his hand on her arm and leaned forward to kiss her cheek. She turned her face into it, the contact lingering for a few seconds.

And then he stepped back. “I’m sorry, Jamie.”

He pushed open the door and walked away. She watched him shove his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt, his shoulders hunched as if to fend off a cold wind. And once he was out of sight, she walked back up the stairs and set the bag on the counter.

It was over. Not just a bump in the road and
maybe we can get through this
over. But a
hey, enjoy your new assignment and I’ll see you around
kind of over. She should throw the pudding in the garbage and forget he ever existed.

She didn’t have the strength to do either, though. Instead she pulled out a spoon and cried her way through the sweetest, most painful parting gift she’d ever gotten.

* * *

S
COTT
SLAPPED
THE
puck and watched it sail between the pipes. Then he slapped the next one. Taking shots on an empty goal wasn’t much of a challenge and barely qualified as exercise, but it was somewhat satisfying when he hit them and they shot like bullets into the net.

The ice was the only place he’d ever been able to work out his feelings without getting himself in trouble. Even then, his temper sometimes got the best of him, but it wasn’t the same as getting into a fight or kicking the crap out of his truck because he was pissed. Times like this, when it was just him on the ice and a line of pucks, were almost like meditation sessions for him. Usually they cleared his mind.

His mind was refusing to clear today, though.

Jamie loved him, too. That’s why he hadn’t slept worth a damn. Why he couldn’t stand the thought of eating. Why half the pucks he shot were bouncing off the pipes and coming back at him. He’d gone over there to try to apologize and try to end things on a more positive note and hearing her say that had driven home just how badly he’d screwed up. He’d thrown everything away.

The click of a blade on ice broke into his thoughts and he turned toward the bench area, expecting to see one of the other guys or maybe the kid who was working that day. But it was Ashley, wearing jeans and a fleece pullover, along with ice skates she’d obviously gotten at the desk.

“Jesus, Ash. What the hell are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re pregnant. You can’t just go flinging yourself around on ice skates.”

She laughed and ignored him, skating toward him. “I don’t really intend to fling myself at anything. And I might not be very good at hockey, but I’m the one who taught you to skate, dumbass.”

“Slow down, at least.”

“I’m barely moving. And the baby is fine. I’ve got plenty of built-in padding for safety.”

He shook his head, knowing it was futile to argue with her. “What are you doing here?”

“I was going by and saw your truck. And I just asked Danny the other day if he’d been on skates yet and he said you guys haven’t planned any ice time, so I figured you were in here alone. Probably brooding.”

“I think better on skates.”

“You always did.” Sighing, she looked at the pile of pucks in and around the net. “Figure out the solution yet?”

“Solution to what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Scotty.”

“There is no solution. Or I guess you could say it already resolved itself. I was an asshole and that’s not a quality she’s looking for in a man.”

“So stop being an asshole.”

He clenched his jaw, wishing he could unleash his temper on a puck, but he wasn’t taking the chance of it taking a weird turn and hitting his sister. “If it was a switch I could turn on and off, I would have done it years ago. Maybe.”

“You can’t let her go because you’re afraid to love her. It’s too late, you know. You
already
love her, so why be miserable?”

“How do I live with that fear every day?” He heard his voice rising, echoing through the rink. “I was so afraid for her that I did something stupid and we’re not even... I hadn’t even told her I loved her yet. We don’t share our lives. There are no kids waiting at home for their mom. How would I handle that?”

She looked at him, her expression slightly sad, but also bemused. “The same way we all do. You’ve seen this your entire life, Scotty. You’re just on the other side of it and you don’t know how to handle it. But you deal with the fear the same way I do and the same way Lydia does and that Mom did and that this baby will. You trust your firefighter will be safe and smart and come home to you.”

“And what if she doesn’t? Come home, I mean.”

“Then you keep going. If Danny had died that day—”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, I
do
get to say that, Scotty, because it’s my reality. That possibility is something I live with every time he walks out the door. And if someday he doesn’t come home, I won’t regret loving him. I won’t regret having his child. The baby and I will keep going. Just like we all did when Mom died, except I won’t do like Dad and tell my kid to suck it up and get on with life. There would be counseling and support, like we should have had.”

“Dad did the best he could,” Scott said, defending the old man out of sheer reflex. “It was never the same after, though.”

“Of course it wasn’t.” She sighed, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something. “I’m not going to give you the speech about how Jamie could get hit by a car or fall down the stairs or be the first victim of the zombie apocalypse. But you need to ask yourself why you wouldn’t think twice about asking a woman to spend the rest of her life taking it on faith you’ll come home from work, but you won’t do the same for her.”

“I don’t know how to stop wanting to take care of her.”

“That’s part of the way you’re wired. You keep people safe.” Ashley sighed again and took his hand. “And you’re supposed to want to take care of her. You take care of each other. But wanting her to be something she’s not isn’t taking care of her.”

“I miss her so much my stomach hurts and it’s only been a day.”

“I know what that feels like,” she said. “After I told Danny we were done, I cried so hard I puked and then cried some more. But we worked through it. And that’s your second mistake. You guys hit a wall and instead of looking for a way over or around it, you said
fuck it
and went home.”