Every Day is Like Doomsday (11 page)

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked
suddenly. “Why are you following me?”
“Because you’re visibly upset and because you pulled
me out of class with you.”
“I did not,” she said, knowing full well that she had
done exactly that.
“Innya,” he said and touched her arm and she
stopped her manic pace for a moment. But she didn’t
want to look at him. He looked too nice, too much like
a friend. “You’re embarrassed and that’s okay. I should
know. I’m used to that kind of embarrassment.”
“I am not embarrassed,” she said. “I cannot be
embarrassed. They just don’t understand what I am trying
to accomplish, what I represent. They have small minds
and small brains and small heads and hands and souls and
they cannot comprehend the awesomeness that is me.”
“Except for Crusher,” said Elliot.
“What?”
“They all have small hands except for Crusher.”
“No, she’s got meaty, freak hands,” Innya spat out.
Elliot blinked and his smile widened. “I agree with
you. You are the most amazing person I have even met.
You’re cruel and self-absorbed and kind of a psycho bitch
but you’re still amazing. I’m totally fascinated by you.”
Innya finally looked up to see his earnest eyes. He
was being honest. She suddenly realized that this was
what it was like to have a friend and he wasn’t sure she
liked it. She had always thought she was more inclined
to have worshippers than friends. Minions might even
be a stretch. But since it was something new and she had
heard that school was all about having new experiences
she thought she’d go along with it for a little while.
She smiled at him and his face lit up like Charlie
Brown’s pathetic little tree. Before, he had looked earnest
and sweet and yet very sure that she was going to punch
him in the face for daring to touch her. The fact that she
didn’t retaliate with physical violence seemed to please
him. She went along with it because she didn’t feel the
need to punch him in the face. And that surprised her. It
also made her want to punch him.
“So what now?” he asked.
“Now I punch you,” she said, and before he could
react she punched him hard on the left side of his chest.
Her knuckles hit something hard that made a hollow
pop. “What’s in your pocket?”
Elliot gasped and hunched over, holding the spot
where her fist had connected. “It’s just a phone.”
“I might have broken it.”
“It doesn’t work anyway.”
“Norms are so weird. Why would you carry around
a broken phone?”
“Sentimental reasons. Forget about it.” He stood
up again, his hand rubbing his chest, “Why would you
punch me in the heart?”
“I’m trying to break it before you get any warm and
fuzzy ideas about some ephemeral future ‘us.’ I can think
of better things to do. Non-fuzzy things.”
“Such as?” Elliot asked.
“Let’s go get ice cream.”
“Ice cream? So villainous.”
“I didn’t say we were going to pay for it.”
“Still…”
“I’d rather break into your old high school and
enslave your old classmates but there’s only so much you
can do while you’re a student here. Until we graduate we
have to find happiness in the small things.”
“Like stealing ice cream?”
“Among other things. I liberated an excellent bottle
of whiskey from a vapid store clerk just the other day so
we can go drink that if that’s more your style.”
Elliot made a face. “I’ll stick to ice cream. Lead
the way.”
“Look at you,ditching classes and being a public nuisance. I do declare you are sounding more Villainous every
second,” Innya said, trying to imitate a southern accent.
“Wow. Please don’t ever try to do that voice again.
It’s scarier than anything I’ve seen at this school so far.”
“Maybe I should try that in Memorable Exits class.”
“Now
that
they would probably understand. It
made me shudder.” Elliot sighed wistfully. “I wish Adam
and Sarah could see me now.”
“Don’t talk about them. In fact, don’t even think
about them. You’re better off without them.”
And that was that. As soon as the words left Innya’s
mouth and entered Elliot’s ears she knew exactly what
would happen. He would realize that she was right, that
he was better off without his old friends, better off only
with her. And though part of his brain would always
know that she was just manipulating him, and maybe
even admire her talent, the rest of him would just relax,
happy to have someone else making decisions for him
for a while. From what she had been told in the past the
clear-headedness was a welcome change.
Innya watched Elliot’s expression relax and then
turned on her heels and stalked off toward the hole in
the fence . Elliot followed behind her in a way that she
already sensed would become a habit.

“You’ll probably like this class. It’s a geek’s wet
dream,” said Innya as she ducked into the opening of the
fence and emerged on the VA campus. She glanced over
her shoulder at Elliot, gave him elevator eyes that made
his whole body tingle, and added, “Or maybe not. You
might be more of a nerd than a geek.”

“Geeks are into technology. Nerds are into comic
books and action figures.”
“Okay, Miss I-know-so-much-about-the-Englishlanguage, tell me this: what’s a dork?”
“A whale cock. Now hurry up. Three doesn’t like it
when we’re late.”
“Three what? Did you just have a stroke?”
“The Weapons teacher calls herself Professor
Haróm, which means ‘three’ in Hungarian, but since that
sounds pretentious and made up I refuse to call her that.”
Elliot shook his head and muttered, “Because you
hate speaking random words in foreign languages.”
“Watch it,” said Innya. She threw him a glance so
sharp it cut. Elliot clamped his lips shut to prevent any
more suicidal remarks from slipping through them.
She led him to a nondescript gray building right
behind the dorms, one Elliot hadn’t really noticed before.
“What’s this place?”
As soon as the words left his mouth one of the side
windows exploded in a flash of white light and purple smoke.
“Pretty,” Innya said and jogged the rest of the way,
opened the door and went inside. Elliot tried and failed
to drag his eyes from Innya’s denim-clad backside. Actually, he never even tried. He reached the metal door just
as it swung shut.
Elliot opened the door, stepped inside the classroom and froze. Everything around him was made of
shiny metal and covered in dazzling lights. Every inch of
wall-space was decorated with swords or knives, firearms
of every shape and size, and then some weapons that
looked like they had come straight out of some crazy sci-fi
movie involving outer space monsters and badass heroes.
Except here Elliot was surrounded by the Villains, not
the heroes. And one of those immense, chrome-plated,
uber sci-fi looking guns was pointed at him. Behind the
sight he saw Ventriloquist, a grin on the only half of her
face he could see.
Elliot heard someone off to his left say, “Bye bye,
New Meat.”
The tip of the gun started to glow a toxic sort of
green. Elliot wanted to move but his body wouldn’t obey
and so he just stood there, staring into that green light
that kept getting brighter and brighter.
“Elliot, move!” shouted Innya as the light became
almost unbearably bright and Elliot finally understood
what it meant to be a deer in headlights. Innya slammed
into him just as the gun spat a glob of glowing, green
gook in his direction. Innya and Elliot hit the floor with
a thud that knocked the air out of his lungs.
The glop hit the bookcase that Elliot had been
standing in front of and enveloped it in what looked
like a net made of glowing slime. A moment later the
entire thing started to fade. Within seconds it was gone
completely.
“What… the hell… just happened?” Elliot managed to whisper past his racing heart. As the fear started
to fade be became aware that he was lying on top of
Innya, pressed up against her ample breasts, and their
bouncy suppleness took the sting out of the realization
that someone had just tried to kill him.
“Get off me!” Innya said. She shoved him away and
sat up.
Elliot stood slowly, arranged his clothes, and wiped
at his face. But Innya jumped gracefully to her feet, ran
to Ventriloquist, and yanked the sci-fi looking gun from
her hands.
“What is your problem?” she yelled,“Have you even
figured out where this thing sends people?”
From behind Ventriloquist’s shoulder Red
shrugged. “Who cares? All I care about is that it gets rid
of the things that I don’t like. If it sends them to Mars
where there is no oxygen and they die a painful death of
asphyxiation all the better.”
“That green net sends people to Mars?” asked
Elliot, feeling a newfound respect mixed with terror for
the giant gun now in Innya’s possession.
“Shut up,” Innya told him.
“I’ll take that.” A brunette woman who looked like
a cross between a supermodel and a hot, evil substitute
teacher stepped up from behind Ventriloquist.
Elliot had a momentary daydream that involved the
teacher removing pins from her hair in slow motion, and
then removing her shirt in that same slow motion,all to the
very classic guitar riffs of Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.”
“What are you staring at, New Meat?” she asked,
totally shattering Elliot’s carefully constructed dream
world. This must be Three, he thought. And she was hot,
hot enough to fuel his fantasies until well into middle age,
but the hardness on her face was born out of pure disdain
and that took a little of the shine off of her incredible
attractiveness.
“Nothing,” Elliot muttered but she had already
turned to Innya and did not hear him.
“Give me the gun,” she said and held out her hand.
Innya hesitated as if she were considering using it on the
teacher but then seemed to think better of it and eventually handed it over.
“Good girl,” Three said and Innya winced. Elliot
winced too, but for the teacher’s sake. She didn’t know it
yet but she had just made a mortal enemy. Then again, she
probably did know it since every one of her students was a
potential archenemy. As Three walked toward the front of
the classroom and shouted at the gawking students to “Get
back to work!” Innya joined Elliot at the edge of the room.
“
Dunette
,” mumbled Innya.
“So why Haróm? It’s not very villainous-sounding.”
“It’s a code name. She used to be a spy or something.”
“But why Three?”
“She’s the third weapons teacher since the school
started.”
“And One and Two…” Elliot let his voice trail off,
the rhetorical question unspoken.
“Dead, of course,” came the answer he expected.
“Ah.” Elliot swallowed. If it was that easy to get
rid of teachers here, he wondered, how was he supposed
to survive? He fought down a wave of panic and bravely
changed the subject. “You hesitated when she asked you
for the gun. What were you thinking of doing?”
Innya shook her head and looked at Elliot as if he
had just appeared beside her, wearing a suit made entirely
of flank steak. Her eyes narrowed and Elliot winced for
himself this time, positive that he was now going to take
the brunt of her irritation with the teacher. Instead she
only hissed, “You don’t know me,” before walking away.
Elliot stood alone for a moment and looked around
the classroom for a place to pass the time. As his eyes
scanned the workstations he became aware of the many
weapons being cleaned or constructed that were nonchalantly being aimed in his direction by not-so-secretly
smiling Villains. Elliot sought out Innya in the mix but
she was sitting on the counter in the corner of the room,
headphones in her ears, hood covering all but the very
front of her silvery hair and the pout on her glossy pink
lips. She had mentally checked out and Elliot wasn’t
about to disturb her pity party and get clobbered for it.
Elliot’s gaze eventually landed on his roommate,
Vlad. Elliot was surprised to see him mixing with the
other students. He’d only seen Vlad twice since he arrived
at the VA and neither of those conversations had gone
the way he’d hoped. Perhaps it was time to change that.
Elliot left his post near the door and the now-vanished bookcase approached Vlad. As he passed by the
other desks he could have sworn he heard a few groans
of disappointment and after a few moments of consideration people stopped trying to turn their weapons in
his direction.
Vlad’s chin was resting on his hands as he stared
hard at another student who was tinkering with a small,
gray, rectangular object that looked a little like a tiny
laptop. But Elliot knew better than to think that it was
something so pedestrian.
“Hi,” said Elliot. Vlad glanced at him, frowned,
and went back to watching his lab partner. So Elliot said,
“Hi,” to the lab partner instead. Then added, “I’m Elliot,
Vlad’s roommate.” He didn’t offer his hand because he
had noticed that Villains were not overly keen to shake
hands. There was an understandable paranoia at play here
that seemed to rule out most of the social niceties.
The lab partner looked up and fixed Elliot with
hard, crystalline blue eyes. His skin was as tan as a surfer’s in the middle of summer and his hair was a golden,
sun-bleached blonde. Though he would never say it out
loud Elliot admitted to himself that this kid was good
looking enough to be homecoming king and football
team captain for a school he didn’t even attend. Elliot
was simultaneously attracted to him for all of the girl
possibilities he could offer and repelled by him because
just standing beside him Elliot felt about 20% uglier. He
was pretty sure there was a mathematic proof in there
somewhere if only he were smart enough to figure it out.
Apparently, Elliot passed some kind of a test
because the icy stare ended and the surfer dude smiled
and held out his hand. “Hi,” he said in a deep, jocular
voice, “I am Brain.”
“Really?” asked Elliot incredulously, although by
now nothing should have surprised him. Elliot shook
the offered hand, doing his best to match the strength
of Brain’s grasp. “Your name is Brain? Not Brian? Not…
Sven?”
“Yes, Brain, that is what he said,” said Vlad darkly.
He folded his arms in front of his chest so tightly his
fingers looked like they were being eaten by his armpits.
“Don’t be rude, Vlad,” Brain said. Then to Elliot,
“He’s just shy. Please, have a seat.”
Elliot pulled up a stool and sat down. Part of his
brain said that it was too easy, that Brain was too nice
for someone who was supposed to be a Villain. But the
rest of him was just so happy to see a smile, to hear kind
words and a kind invitation to take a seat, that he was
willing to suspend disbelief for a little while.
“So what are you working on?” asked Elliot.
“Mind your own business!” snapped Vlad without
looking up.
Brain ignored him and said to Elliot in a quiet
voice, “It’s a mind control machine.”
Elliot’s eyes widened, “Really? How does it work?”
“Well, this little device here is going to operate the
body,or bodies,that we take over with our zombie program.”
“Zombie program!” Elliot was aware that he was
sounding like a parrot or a child just learning to talk but
it was exciting to have someone be so honest about his
evil plot that he couldn’t contain himself. “What’s that?”
“Something we’ve been working on…”
“How does it work?”
Brain smiled disarmingly, “I can’t go giving away
all of our secrets, now can I?” At these words Vlad huffed
and stomped out of the classroom. “If you’ll please excuse
me, I need to speak with my partner.”
Elliot saw Brain catch up with Vlad outside and
craned his neck to watch them through the window. It
looked like they were arguing. Vlad was emphatic about
something but Brain seemed calm and collected. Elliot
turned his attention to the device they had been working
on. It was a palm-sized date planner. They had modified
the keyboard added a few extra switches and wires on the
side and soldered in place. When Elliot moved the green
wire over just a bit to see beyond it the solder popped and
the wire broke free. Elliot dropped the device, jammed his
hands into his lap and whipped around. Brain and Vlad
were no longer visible through the window. He started to
sweat. Oh crap, he had just broken the evil device of evil
Villains. No, not crap.
Shit
. He was so dead.
Just then Brain came back in, trailing Vlad, who
never looked up from his shoes. They wove their way
through the bodies and the desks and the weapons back
to Elliot.
“Sorry about that,” said Brain, “Vlad is shy and
since he doesn’t speak English very well he’s easily overwhelmed. Aren’t you Vlad?” Vlad nodded but did not
look up, although Elliot thought he could see the hint of
a smile on his face.
“No problem,” said Elliot, and he was sincere. He
almost felt like he was back in a normal school again. It
was a nice feeling.
“I hate to be rude but we do need to get back to
work and we really can’t have you hovering over us and
discovering all of our tricks. So I’m going to have to ask
you to leave.”
“Oh,” said Elliot, a little deflated.
But Brain was quick to amend things. “I’m sorry.
We just have to protect ourselves. I’m sure you understand. But hey, we should get a drink sometime.”
“Really?”
“Sure. I mean, you are Vlad’s roommate and I am
his business partner so we may as well get to know each
other, right?”
“Right,”agreed Elliot, excited at the prospect of new
friends. And for an added bonus they were both boys so
they couldn’t hook up and leave him in the lurch like his
last best friends did. Well, they could, but he wouldn’t be
upset about it. “Thanks. So I guess I’ll see you guys later.”
“Great. It was really nice meeting you. Have a great
day, Elliot.”
Elliot left them to their work but class was still in
session. He turned and found Innya staring at him with
a look of shock coupled with disdain that matched the
teacher’s almost perfectly. Maybe it was an expression
that only hot women could make. Elliot advanced upon
her cautiously, like one would approach a Tiger in the
jungle. And like a wild animal stalking its prey, her gaze
never wavered.
“Why are you staring at me?” he asked. A moment
later he added, “Am I too sexy for you to tear your eyes
away?”
“Please. More like my eyes are drawn into the tractor beam of your loser-ness. It’s like watching a train
wreck.”
“They were talking to me.”
“No. Brain was talking to you. Vlad was staring at
the desk and wishing you would go away.”
“Okay. But still, it’s progress. He is my roommate
and I’d like to get along with him. It would make life so
much easier.”
“And in the name of trust and friendship you told
them that you broke their little gadget, right?”
Elliot glanced over his shoulder at them in a panic.
Brain was manipulating something on the device but
Vlad was glaring directly at Elliot from beneath his very
prominent brow. “Um… No?”
“So then why?”
“Why what?”
“Why would it make life easier if you got along?
You never even really see him.”
“In the few days I’ve been here I haven’t really seen
him. But I’m going to be here for a while if I believe Mr.
Woon, so I may as well make friends.”
“Villains don’t have friends. We have minions.”