Drawn to you (28 page)

His room hasn’t changed either. The wooden floor contrasts with the blue walls leaving a cold eerie feel. Pictures of us decorate the shelves.

I look at him and he smiles, walking over to me. He brings his hands to my face, pulling me into him. His lips touch mine but I push him back and he looks at me, confusion furrowing his brow.

“James don’t. That’s not why I’m here.”

His hands drop and a heavy sigh leaves his lips. “I love you. I want you back. I miss you. How did things get so messed up? It’s not right that he took you from me. You’re still my bloody screen saver! You’re mine and he stole that from me.”

He’s shaking his head as he speaks.

“James, I love Finlay. He didn’t steal me away, you pushed me away.”

“I don’t mean him! I know you say you love him but you love me as well, Antonia. I can see it when you look at me.”

He steps closer to me, forcing me to step back. I bring my hands up to stop his from touching me.

“I do love you,” I say. He takes in a sharp breath and exhales on a smile. “But it’s not the same way I love him, James.”

He turns from me and rubs both hands through his hair. “Are you sleeping with him? Did you let him . . . ?”

“James! Don’t! That’s none of your business! You ended us.”

“I was having a hard time dealing, Antonia. My girlfriend was attacked because-”

“Because what?” He’s driving me crazy this is all in the past.

“Because, look at you! Of course he wanted you.” He’s mumbling now and I want to curl up into a ball. He’s blaming me for the attack?

“I was a victim of a violent crime because he was a sick bastard, James. Not for any other reason. He killed my friend and tried to rape me while his still warm blood soaked into my skin. Nothing can make a man do that. He’s just evil!” I spit, swiping the tears streaking my cheeks. I’m sorry you had to find me like you did, but it was you who left me there. In your mind I was still naked and spoiled on that floor. You never looked at me the same again and that hurt more than anything.”

A sob leaves James, making my heart hurt.

“I’m sorry, Toni. I’m so sorry he did that to you. I couldn’t see past you laying there, with him touching you in places meant for me. You were exposed and hurt because he wanted something that wasn’t his. The images haunted my dreams. I saw them when you touched me. I needed time.”

“Time couldn’t put us back to where we were, James. It changed me, and I moved on. It changed you too and it’s time to move on with your life.”

“I’ll never forgive him for this and I’ll never forgive myself for losing you.” He turns to face me and closes the distance between us.

“Well, I forgive you and I forgive myself.”

He brings his hands to cup my face.

“I know you love this Finlay guy and it’s really over for us. I accept it. We needed to talk this out but we shouldn’t have waited this long. Please let me kiss you goodbye.”

Before I can answer, his lips are on mine, caressing them. It’s a sweet, gentle kiss. It’s James’ kiss. I don’t feel the rush, the pull deep within me like I do when it’s Finlay’s kiss. I pull back and offer him a small, tight smile.

“Goodbye, James.” I leave him standing there and bolt from his house. I use the walk home to clear my head.

I spend the rest of the day painting. I’m ready to go back to my new life already. I don’t need to be here anymore. I don’t
want
to be here. I want to be with Finlay.

I take a shower, slip on some yoga pants and a jumper, and head down to talk to my parents. When I reach the bottom step I see a shadow at the front door followed by the bell ringing.

“I’ll get it!” I call out. I open the door and my breath catches. “Finlay.”

“Hey, beautiful! I missed you too much.”

I jump into his arms and he drops his bag. I wrap my legs around his waist and smother him in kisses. His strong hands caress my back and he inhales my scent and nuzzles my neck.

“You missed me too, I take it?” He laughs.

Daddy clears his throat as Finlay lowers me to the ground. “Finlay. Good to see you again.”

“You too, sir.”

“I’ll have your mother make up the guest room.”

“No need. I booked into a hotel, but thank you for the offer.”

He looks at me and I nod my head in understanding. I wouldn’t want to sleep under the same roof as them either. I reach for his arm.

“We’ll be upstairs, Daddy.”

We mount the stairs two at a time and I pull him into my room and shut the door. He’s on me, backing me up against the door, smothering my lips with his own, parting them with his tongue. I gladly give him access and melt into him, offering him the caresses of my own.

After a delicious make out session, we remember we’re not sixteen and pull apart, breathless.

“I needed to see you, to be here for you. I should never have let you come without me.” He closes his eyes and brings his forehead down to rest against mine.

“I’m coming to the hotel with you. We’re pretty lame not being able to handle a couple of days without each other,” I joke.

“I love you. I need to be near you always.”

“Let me go tell my mom. Pack me a few items please. The sooner we’re out of here, the better.” I grin seductively and rush out the door.

I find my Mom pacing the kitchen with Daddy muttering something to her. She notices me and stops.

“Well, that was nice of him to come and support you but a little awkward, don’t you think?” What the hell is her problem?

“What do you mean?”

“I mean with you and James spending time together.” She tuts.

“Mom, you need to hear and understand this. I’m in love with Finlay, we’re a couple and there is never going to be a me and James again.”

She storms past me shouting, “I just want it all to go back to before!”

“Give her time, Antonia. She’s stubborn. For what it’s worth, I see the way that boy looks at you. He loves you and I always felt proud of him for his courage after he lost his father. He is a good man.”

I swipe at a tear. “Daddy, that’s worth everything. Thank you.” I give him a squeeze and a kiss on his cheek. “Is Mom going to be okay? She’s acting kind of . . .”

“Crazy?” He finishes for me. We stare at each other, both knowing this isn’t normal behavior for her. “I’m going to get her some help. She needs to go back into therapy but I don’t want you worrying about any of that. You’re finally moving on and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you.”

“I’m going to stay with Finlay and fly home tomorrow.”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

I race back to my room and Finlay’s sitting on my bed with his shoulders hunched over, and his head hanging.

“Damn it. Did Mom come in here? What did she say?”

He looks up at me, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
What the hell could she have said?
My soul aches seeing him distressed. He stands and strides towards me. I have to step back, the fierceness and anger pouring from him sends chills through my body. His hands grab my arms and shake me a little. “Did you let him touch you, Antonia? Did you enjoy his fucking lips on you?” he asks in disbelief.

The grief in his eyes cripples me. I shake my head. “I don’t understand!”

He thrusts my phone into my hands and pushes me away from the doorway, leaving me stunned. I look down at the text message on the screen.

I can’t believe we finally did that.

After all this time we needed to.

You were right, we needed closure.

I can still taste you on my lips.

It’s something I’ll never forget.

I’ll always love you, thank you

for giving me this.

I’m going to embrace this ache I’ve earned.

Holding on to you is like trying to hold on to a butterfly,

you’re desperate to break free and holding on to you just makes your color fade.

James xxx

I race after him into the street. “Finlay, wait!”

He turns to face me. “Is that why you didn’t want me to come here with you?”

A tear runs down his face and my heart crushes into smithereens. I reach up to wipe the tear from his beautiful face but he grabs my wrist.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

“Finlay, it’s-”

“Don’t, Antonia. Don’t say another thing. I can’t hear another thing from you. I can’t bear to fucking look at you. You’ve broken my heart.” He grabs at his hair, pulling it. “I’m so lost, I don’t understand.”

“Finlay, you need to listen to me,” I beg, dropping to my knees. My heart is dying, disintegrating and the ash suffocating me. I can’t breathe.

“How can you explain it, Antonia? Answer me, yes or no, did you let him touch you? Taste you?”

“Yes, but-”

“NO BUTS!”

I sob, broken on the floor.
This isn’t happening, he doesn’t understand.

“Did you ever really love me?”

“Yes!” I gasp, reaching for him. Anxiety is stealing my fight.
I’m going to pass out. This can’t be happening.

“Just not like I love you, because I could never do this to you. You’ve destroyed me. We’re done.”

I want to call out but I can’t. Darkness is closing in around me.

“What’s going on?” Mom appears. She’s saying something to me but I can’t hear her anymore. The darkness has consumed me and I’m choking in it.

TIME PASSES IN A
distortion of days all rolling into one continuous depressing, sleepless state. I can’t leave my room. Mom keeps bringing me breakfast every day, but I can’t keep it down. Heartbreak is like a sickness. I feel like I’m dying.

Gaby called to tell me Finlay’s back

home. She asked me what happened but I don’t tell her. I can’t. I don’t want to believe something so minor had the power to destroy something I thought impenetrable.

He won’t answer my calls or emails. I sent him a letter but heard nothing back from him.
It’s really over.

It’s been two and half weeks since my heart was ripped from my chest, set on fire and then shoved back in a black hardened shell. I’ve spent most days painting and sketching his image. I’m still struggling to keep food down. I can manage to drink milk without wanting to bolt to the bathroom so I’m living off it like an infant. I drag myself from the comfort of my bed and turn on my laptop to check my emails. There’s lots of junk, a few assignments from the T.A at school, and one from Gaby. I click it open.

Hey Antonia,

I miss you like crazy. When are you coming home? You missed Thanksgiving so there’s no way I’m letting you have Christmas without me. I bought you the perfect gift, hehe!

I have some exciting news I really want to share with you.

Finlay is so down, it’s worse than when dad died. I wish you

would tell me what happened because he is being as stubborn as ever. I still can’t get him to have dinner with Mom.

Everyone misses you. Everyone spends nearly every night here atm. Gavin had a bad flood ☹ Please come home, come sort things with Finlay . . . he misses you

I love you xxxxxx Gabs

My bedroom door opens and James is standing in the doorway. “Hey.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Your mum asked me to come over and see you. She’s worried about you.”

I grit my teeth when he plants his ass on my bed. His cell blinks in his hand but he ignores it.

“What happened?” he asks.

I reach for my cell phone and bring up his text that ruined my life, and hand it to him.

“You happened.”

He reads with a furrowed brow. “He checks your phone?”

“No, James. He just happened to see it. Please go. I need to pack.”

“You’re going back there?”

“Of course I am. I live there, and nothing has changed.”

I start packing straight away; I need to get back, I need to see him and tell him what a stupid ass he’s being. He jumped to conclusions. It was a simple kiss. I pack all the work I’ve done, my pictures of Finlay. I hold my hand out to James for my cell and leave a note for Daddy then take a cab to the airport.