Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8 (20 page)

That’s how Burmese Pythons eat.  Once they catch their prey, they swallow it in one piece.  Their mouth opens REALLY big, and they stretch it over the animals they’re eating.  It takes a while, but somehow they do it!

Boogie’s dad says he’s even heard of them swallowing a whole cow!  He says pythons have this hinge built into their mouth so that they can open it REALLY wide.  The rest of their body is really stretchy too, like an elastic, so that they can stuff their food in there.

Boogie thinks we should try to get some video footage of a python eating something big like a cow or an alligator.  We could do commentary on it and make it into a video for our YouTube show. 

It could be a pretty big hit.  I mean, think about it.  Who wouldn’t want to see a HUGE snake swallowing a whole cow!  Or even an alligator!  Or maybe both!

We could do a whole bunch of different videos of snakes eating different stuff.  It could be a new segment on our show.  We could call it “The Snake Dudes.”

Sunday

I was surfing online today, and I found a whole list of words that sound dirty that aren’t.  They’re actually pretty funny, and even funnier if you say them out loud. 

I’m going to see if I can work them into a homework assignment for English.  Mrs. Fizzerwinch will have a hairy canary, but what will she be able to do?  Remember, these are words that
SOUND
dirty, but
AREN’T
.

Uranus.  It’s one of the planets.  Say it out loud.  Ha, you did it more than once didn’t you!

Bangkok.  It’s a city in Thailand with a population of 4 million people.  I wonder if all 4 million of them say Bangkok everyday and start laughing?

Blowhole.  It’s actually an air or gas vent.  Whales have one.  You’ve probably seen pictures of a whale blowing air and water out its blowhole.  Looks pretty neat.

Balzac.  He was a famous French writer.  Apparently he founded something called the realist school of fiction.  I have no idea what that is, but his name sure sounds funny!

Ramrod.  A cleaning rod used to clean a firearm.  This one actually sounds kinda cool, like something you’d like for your middle name.  Maximus Ramrod Ridgemont. 

Gesticulate.  When you make or use gestures when you’re talking.  My Mom does this all the time, especially when she’s mad.  Next time I see her doing it, I’m going to ask her if she knows she gesticulates a lot. 

Titmouse.  A small songbird.  This one is fun to say, especially if you can work it into an answer for a teacher’s question at school! 

Teacher: “What’s your favorite bird?”

Student: “A titmouse.” 

Just imagine the look on the teacher’s face!

Coccyx.  This is the bottom of your tailbone.  I know because I’ve actually fallen on my butt and bruised mine, and let me tell you, it hurt!  It may sound funny to say, but it sure isn’t funny to fall on!

Dingus.  A name for something you can’t remember the name of.  The dictionary says a synonym for dingus is doodad. 

Doodad.  See above.  They both sound dirty and funny!

There’s a whole lot more too, but these were the ones I thought were the funniest.  Try them out on your parents or your teacher.  Just make sure you use them properly in a sentence. 

If you walk around just saying them over and over, then you’ll probably get in trouble even though they aren’t dirty words.  Parents find a way to do stuff like that. 

Monday

In history class today, we were talking about great inventions.  There’s actually some pretty cool ones I’d never heard of before.

The toilet was one I was obviously aware of, but hadn’t really thought of as a great invention. 

When you think about how you had to go to the bathroom before there were toilets, you realize how GREAT an invention the toilet actually is. 

I also had no idea that toilets have been around for as long as they have.  Apparently the first ones are from like the 26
^th
century B.C. which is a REALLY long time ago.  Thousands and thousand of years ago! 

Some of the other greatest inventions are stuff like plastic, electricity, cars, the printing press, and computers.  I guess it’s easy to forget about things like these because they’ve always been around, at least in our lifetimes. 

Then I started thinking about all the cool, fun stuff that’s been invented like whoopee cushions, also known as a poo-poo cushion or razzberry cushion. 

Wikipedia says a whoopee cushion “is a practical joke device, used in a form of flatulence humor, which produces a noise resembling a raspberry or human flatulence. It is made from two sheets of rubber that are glued together at the edges. There is a small opening with a flap at one end for air to enter and leave the cushion.”

I didn’t even know there was a category for farting humor, but I like it!  Flatulence humor.  That just makes farting sound important and impressive. 

Like, if I do some fart sounds and everybody laughs, and the teacher asks what everybody thinks is so funny, I can say “Flatulence humor.”