Deceitful Choices (12 page)

“I know,” I said in defeat.

Damn it, I knew that. It didn’t change the fact that I wanted her here. I was selfish; I wanted shit my way. And I knew that was fucked up.

“You need to allow her the chance to make that choice on her own. You could be gone for up to a year, Zack.” I closed my eyes tightly as my stomach tightened.

During my first deployment I didn’t have anything holding me here. I didn’t have a son I would miss out on or a girl who I cared so deeply for it broke me to think of leaving them.

But now I had a sweet little boy I was so fucking in love with it literally ached, and a caring girl who gave me so much hope for a future like the one my parents shared.

Had you asked me a year before if I expected to fall for Lindsay, I would have thought you were nuts. After all, she was the girl who lied to me, and if she wanted to, she could have cost me my future. But instead she gave me one.

“I know I have to tell her, and I will.” I tipped my beer back and drained half the bottle just as Lindsay rounded the corner.

Her hair was piled on top of her head, wisps hanging all around her face. She wore a baggy pair of pajama pants and a fitted t-shirt, appearing completely relaxed.

She’d never looked more beautiful.

I pushed off the counter and her eyes widened when she looked up at me in surprise. I gripped the back of her neck and pulled her close as I placed my lips to hers. She gasped; I was sure because my mother was witnessing this entire display, but I didn’t care. I needed to kiss her; I had to feel her.

When I pulled back, she appeared breathless and shocked.

“I need to tell you something,” I said.

I could tell by the look on her face she was worried. But my mother was right, I had to tell her.

“I’m being deployed,” I whispered. Her eyes instantly filled with tears, and fuck if those tears didn’t make me feel weak. “I leave in three days.”

She was trying to be strong, as she nodded her head in understanding. But the vibration of her lower lip told me that inside she was feeling just as raw as I was.

The visions we both had only moments ago had faded. It would be something we would have to put off for the moment, but I could assure her it was not forever.

When I told her I wanted her to stay, it was selfish of me. I should have told her then about the deployment and after that told her I wanted to have them here. But the fear of them leaving overpowered the other.

Chapter 21

Lindsay

It was impossible to look away. I wanted to observe each expression he made. Zack’s face was only inches from mine as he moved his hips slowly, sliding in and out of me with ease. He was taking his time, enjoying each sensation it caused. Every ounce of pleasure our bodies created together was unreal.

I knew it wasn’t just the way he made love to me, but the emotions we both felt that made this time feel so much different.

In just two days he would be leaving and I would be going back home to Grams.

Our talks would be limited, and it could be a year before we were able to recreate this moment. That broke me.

In such a short time I had grown to truly care about Zack, so deeply. The feelings were different before, because it was all related to the love he showed our son and that in turn made me appreciate Zack. I knew he was an amazing guy.

But now things were different. Everything had shifted between him and me.

I closed my eyes to fight off the tears that had begun to develop.

“Look at me,” he whispered, and immediately I opened my eyes once more. “I need to see you; I want this memory for all the times we’re apart.”

I nodded because I couldn’t speak; I was too afraid I would break.

“We’re gonna be okay,” he assured me.

Leaning in, he kissed my lips and I gripped the back of his neck, holding him close. I needed this moment to get lost in the kiss. I had to gain control of my emotions.

He picked up on my motive immediately, and pulled back from our kiss. “I promise you this changes nothing, baby.”

A tear escaped and I nodded once again.

***

I woke to an empty bed.

Last night after we’d made love, Zack held me. I didn’t cry, but the deep ache inside me felt crippling. I didn’t want to move from that spot, my head resting against his bare chest. I felt safe and for a short time, I could pretend he wasn’t leaving.

But now lying on my back staring up at the ceiling, the reality of it all rushed back.

I had been on my own with Camden; that wasn’t the problem. It was that we both had grown so used to seeing Zack daily; whether it was on Skype or in person, he was there. Now he would be thousands of miles away in horrible conditions, and I’d heard the heartbreaking stories of women and children who had lost loved ones.

I was scared.

We had just gotten him back in our lives, and now I felt like it was ending.

I forced myself from bed and grabbed my clothes that had been discarded the night before. I didn’t even take the time to fix my hair because by now, Zack had seen my bedhead on more than one occasion. He didn’t seem to mind.

As I stepped out of the bedroom, my gaze landed on Camden bouncing away in his Exersaucer activity center. He was banging toys and kicking his legs as Zack continuously shifted around from one to another making them spin, squeak or whatever else they could do.

Zack would laugh that deep throaty laugh each time Camden grew excited, only to once again repeat the entire thing. I tried to remain hidden in the hallway so I could witness the beautiful scene over and over, but the moment Camden saw me it was over.

Zack looked back over his shoulder and smiled. “Good morning,” he said.

What I found absolutely crazy was that those two words made my stomach flip. I knew it was more because of the man speaking the words, because each time he flashed that smile I grew weak in the knees.

He patted the floor at his side. “Come join us, Mommy.”

I no longer hesitated as I moved in their direction.

The closer I got, the more excited Camden grew, which only enhanced Zack’s smile.

I had never in life felt as important as I had in the moment. Zack wrapped his arms around me and we sat side by side, playing with our son.

It was something I had let myself imagine a few times while I was pregnant, and even after he was born. I used to imagine we were a family and that Zack wanted Camden. It was delusional and maybe a little immature, but it got me past some of those bad days when I suffered depression over my life.

Now here I sat with the two guys I adored more than any other man in my life, and I realized I wasn’t delusional. It was happening.

I had the family I’d dreamed of. Zack wanted us. He’d never deserted us; he was here.

“I’m gonna transfer,” I whispered.

“What?” He asked as his hand teased against my lower back.

“I said I am gonna transfer,” I repeated. “I’m not gonna let your deployment affect the plans we made. While you’re gone, I start working on getting everything set up. I can wait until the end of the semester before actually moving to California, but at least I’ll have everything else ready.”

The look Zack was now giving me made my heart race. His eyes were wide and hopeful, a smile tugging at his lips, but it was hesitant, as if he was worried he heard me wrong.

“I want us to be here, waiting for you when you come home. I’ll be able to take online courses and…” I stopped talking when he started shaking his head.

“I don’t want you putting off your plans,” he said. “I want you to live up to your dreams, Linds. It’s important to me.”

“I will,” I assured him. “I promise. But nothing would make me happier than to be right here when you return.”

Chapter 22

Zack

I left tomorrow. It was fucking killing me, but I had to stay focused.

I stood on base, with Lindsay tucked close to my side and Camden held firmly against my chest.

I wanted Lindsay to see what I did, every day. I wanted to take the time to introduce her to a few people in the hope she would feel comfortable about her choice to move here.

Cooper, a fellow SEAL, had invited us all to his place for one last hurrah before we shipped off in the morning.

We had been here less than fifteen minutes, and already Lindsay had been showered with more welcome wishes than I’d imagined. Cooper’s wife had already awed over Camden and how much he looked like me.

I stood proud as I displayed my family to my brothers.

We were a unit, one large family supporting one another and taking care of each other. I wanted Lindsay to feel that unity, because now she was a part of it.

“We need to exchange numbers,” Paulina told Lindsay as she stepped up to her side. Paulina was the newest addition to our family. She and Bruce got married a few months ago.

She was the closest to Lindsay’s age, just shy of twenty-one. They had a baby on the way, and the connection between the two gave me a good feeling. I knew when Lindsay did move here she would have a friend.

They exchanged contact information and made plans to stay in touch throughout the deployment to support one another.

It was then that I sat back and realized I was not the only one missing out on something special. Cooper would miss the birth of his first child. Randy would miss his daughter’s birthday and his son’s graduation from eighth grade. Trevyn would miss the celebration of his first anniversary to his wife and his twin’s first birthday shortly after. We would all be missing out on the celebrations of milestones reached and accomplishments made.

But it was the life we chose to keep those loved ones safe.

“What are you thinking?” Lindsay asked.

I turned toward her sweet whisper and slouched just enough to place a soft kiss against her lips. “I’m thinking how blessed I am,” I said, in a hushed tone only she and I could hear.

Camden had been snatched up by one of the older wives and was now being paraded around the back yard.

“I’ve got a great group of men who would give their lives to keep me safe, and I would do the same for them. But it’s not just that anymore.” I turned to face her completely as I placed my hands on her hips and pulled her body flush against mine. “It had always been enough, all I ever thought I wanted. This life.”

Lindsay watched me with curiosity, waiting patiently for me to continue.

“But now that I have the two of you, I realize just how lonely I truly was without you. And it may seem fast, it may seemed forced, but I can assure that it is neither.” I gripped her face with one hand on each side and stared at her. “During the time it took for me to get to know my son, I fell in love with his mother.”

Her eyes grew wide in surprise, and the look of shock was fucking unbelievably sweet.

“I love you, Lindsay,” I whispered, and tears filled her eyes.

“And I love you.”

To some, it may seem fast and even crazy that she and I were already confessing our love after she was here for only a little over a week. But those people hadn’t gotten to know one another the way she and I had. Most of them hadn’t spent hours upon hours each night with the woman by their side, just talking about everything they could think of.

Lindsay and I had shared secrets and fears that most couples didn’t share until after they had been together for months, years even. I felt there wasn’t much I didn’t know about her. I’d heard the stories of the life she lived growing up. I heard the dreams she’d always had for herself, even though her parents had no hopes. It angered me to know this sweet girl had gone through life feeling as if she wasn’t the amazing woman I knew her to be.

There are so many reasons why I fell in love with her, and the way she cared for my son, the way she loved him and protected him, was what sealed the deal for me. I wanted a woman like that by my side forever.

A woman who was caring and generous, thoughtful and selfless.

I wanted to be the man she needed to make her feel safe and the one to make her laugh and smile. I wanted to take the time to help her realize that she is and would always be loved, without judgment.

I would spend my life giving her and Camden everything I could. And each child thereafter.

***

I stood behind Lindsay as she was arched over the side of the bed. Her hands twisted in the sheets as she pushed back each time I drove inside of her heat.

We had done sweet and slow, we had done hard and fast, and now we were somewhere lost in between.

It was our final night together before I had to fly out and before she left California to go back home. Paulina had volunteered to take her and Camden to the airport for their afternoon departure, and that made me feel a little better. At least she wouldn’t be alone.

I was so fucking lost in the way her body felt as she accepted me over and over, I had forgotten we needed to remain quiet. I groaned out when I felt her tense around me and she, too, let out a cry of pleasure.

Leaning forward to press my chest to her back I buried my face in her neck as I drove into her, riding out her orgasm. “Fuck, you feel amazing.” I said just before biting down on her shoulder gently.

She took what I gave and arched her ass upward giving me just the right angle. I knew I was gone the moment my toes curled in the carpet beneath me and my balls began to tighten.

“Yes,” she whimpered. “Zack.”

My name from her lips was my undoing, and I thrust deep once more before emptying myself within her. My body shivered as I wrapped my arm around her waist, placing my palm against her stomach and held her against me.

I wasn’t ready for this to end. I wasn’t ready to let her go.

I closed my eyes tightly; after a moment she began to sag forward and I knew it was time to allow her to relax.

Reluctantly I pulled out, and her limp body fell forward as she buried her face in the comforter. “I can’t feel my legs,” her voice was muffled by the cover, but I could hear her words. They made me chuckle because my own legs felt weak.

I crawled over her and placed myself on the opposite side, brushing her hair back from her face. Her eyes were closed, but I couldn’t close my own. I just wanted to watch her for a while. I wanted this memory.

Even when the exhaustion of the last few days threatened to consume me, I fought harder. And when I reached the point I could no longer stay awake, I grabbed her and slid as close as possible, kissing her temple.

“I love you, Linds,” I whispered. “I’m gonna miss you and Camden so much.”

I knew she had long ago fallen into a deep sleep, but I still whispered the words. I would repeat them again tomorrow. Tomorrow I would have to remain calm and collected, but for now I could feel raw and torn apart. Tonight I could give into that weakness within me, because I knew if even Lindsay witnessed it, she would never make me feel like less of a man. She would accept my weakness and share her own as well.

It was yet just another reason why I fucking loved her so much.

***

I left at 5:00 a.m. Saying goodbye to Lindsay and Camden was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. She cried as I held our son close and kissed his chubby cheek. I even teared up when he curled his head into the crook of my neck as if he was falling back to sleep.

Oh how I wished I could have crawled into bed and held them both close as we all fell back to sleep together.

But duty called.

We all stood as a unit, waiting for our orders.

As each moment ticked by, I became more restless.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket I opened up the gallery and started looking through the photos of my son and the girl that captured my heart. But I soon found that seeing them only made me miss them more.

So I flipped over to my message screen and sent Lindsay a quick text.

Zack: We’re about to take off, but I wanted to tell you and Camden how much you mean to me. I’ll be counting down the days until I get to hold you both again.

I hit send and pressed the back button, busying myself by scrolling through my phone. I thought of sending a message off to my mother and Quinton, even though I had spoken with the both of them only hours ago. But as I scrolled down, something caught my eye and my throat went instantly dry.

My hands shook as I hovered over Haven’s name and after I took in a deep breath I tapped on her messages.

Multiple messages I had not taken the time to read.

Haven: I’m sorry I lied but I thought I was protecting you.

Haven: We need to talk.

Haven: Please I need you to hear my side.

Haven: Something has happened I need to talk to you.

Haven: You can’t keep ignoring me, there is something you need to know.

Haven: Since you can’t give me even one response I’ll just tell you.

Haven: I didn’t want to do this through a text message.

But it was the last message that made my stomach roll. I felt sick.

Haven: I’m pregnant.

The text was followed by a picture. It was a pregnancy test with two lines.

I leaned forward and within seconds I puked. Everything Lindsay and I had taken the last couple months to build flashed before my eyes. Fear raced through me as I worried we wouldn’t survive this. Even though deep down I had no doubt Linds would stand by my side, I knew it would be hard.

“Damn, dude,” Rigdon said as he clapped his hand against my back. “Get that shit out, because you ain’t puking once we board that plane.”

He walked away chuckling and I looked back at the phone in my hand as it vibrated.

Lindsay: We are both going to miss you so much. We can’t wait until the day we are being held by you once again. You give us both the safety and security we need.

I no longer gave a shit about my weakness. I was a fucking wreck thinking of the news Haven dropped on me. It would threaten my life with Lindsay, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do. I was leaving. I couldn’t be here to deal with this and I couldn’t drop it in Lindsay’s lap. Not here, not like this; it wasn’t fair.

Quickly I began scanning through my phone as my hands shook.

“Five minutes, men,” Nelson hollered out to all of us as he walked alongside Officer Mitchell. “Get ready to move.”

Frustration set in as I scrolled through, looking for the number I needed. I cussed myself for never adding it to my contacts, but I never thought I would need it until now.

When I found the familiar thread in my messages, I hit the phone icon and Taylor’s number popped up as it began to ring.

“You better have a good reason for calling me at 7:00 a.m. on the day I don’t have class until noon.” She sounded irritated but I didn’t have much time.

“I need your help.” My voice shook.

“Are Camden and Lindsay okay?” she asked, sounding even more alert.

“Yeah, but Lindsay won’t be if I don’t get you to help me with this.” I needed Taylor; she was my only hope. “It’ll destroy her and we’ve come so far over the last couple months.”

I knew she understood what was going on between Lindsay and me; the two of them talked daily. I’d overheard some of the details Linds had shared.

“What is it?” she asked.

I spent the next couple minutes giving her the best possible breakdown of Haven’s messages. It was rushed, I knew that, but fuck—I was running out of time.

“Lindsay can’t find out yet, not until I know for sure.” I was beginning to panic as the guys started to pick up their duffel bags and move toward the plane. “You’re all I got for this, Taylor. I can’t let her hurt us anymore. If you can’t do this for me, then do it for Lindsay and Camden. I gotta know if it’s true or just another one of her fucked up games.”

“Text me an email I can use to keep you updated,” she said, and I immediately felt a little less panicked. “There is no way in hell I will ever allow Haven to hurt either of them again. She’s done enough, so I will figure it out.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Okay, stay safe, Zack. They need you,” she added.

“I need them too,” I confessed. “I love them both so much.”

“I know you do,” she said. “Go save the word and be the hero we all know you are.”